i brought some new songs and I feel good, the voices are being good too by singing it’s a mess in my flat and all we’re doing is singing. We’re happy! We are not at war, we are getting on. He is here to the man and he doesn’t like these songs but he is tolerating it! I’m scared people are still after me because that’s what he says so loud music blocks all that out! Xxxxx
I’ve been feeling physically ill for a few days but it seems the more physically ill I feel the more mentally ill I feel. I’m so cold. And I can’t leave my bed. I want and need to tidy but I can’t find the motivation at all. I feel useless the voices and physically unwell are stopping me doing something or anything! Help me find some motivation my flat is a massive mess! Xxx I’m feeling a little better about what happen I’ve decided the route I want to take. I want you in my life and I won’t geperdise that. I’m ready to start trying. Hopefully no more harming! Xxxx
no blades for me, i got rid of them and boy do i miss them, i wish i hadn’t got rid of them. But on one hand they ruin my life and the other they are saving me from torture.
Im really anxious every time i see police i think they are going to bang my door down again and im scared of them. I saw a police car and now my brain is going over drive. help me. i might do a bit of colouring to calm down as i actually managed to leave bed today as i had a Tesco delivery and i cleaned the bathroom hoovered and cat litter, i did well but im exhausted now. so i might just cuddle Joshua.
The voices are really bad, and he is here, the man i mean, I feel like im loosing control to them and they will win, they want me to cut deeper and more serious places. I dont want to and im fighting it so much, i feel so alone although he is here and im sat here with my cats it hate leaving things how they are with you. Im lonely, and scared your not going to come back, and i will be with out you forever, and i will be stuck with the man, the medication obliviously isnt working and my support worker is off ill again so no outing this week which im struggling with and i know im stuck in my flat alone. I sometimes wish the medication would take this all away and i can be a normal girl in her 20’s with out these complications. Im doomed. ive got some music on blocking them out, but its not working as well as it use too. im thinking of calling increase support but they always make me feel worse, all i need is you, and to be alone with you. you make me a better person and i need you. please dont leave me.
A friend i didnt think i was going to see again has asked me round for some drinks sometime next week which will be awesome i will get out of the flat and see my friend. but then again am i doing the right thing, will i feel rubbish again for doing something i think is the right thing. I dont want a repeat of yesterday, i hated it and my self. and i still do that hasnt changed, but will me doing something i think i will enjoy be the right thing. Im being controlled by the thoughts in my head. I cant deside the best way i think i can deside is to ask you to be straight with me about what im allowed to do without hurting your feelings, and making things horrible between us.
I was trying to hard to miss the trees i fell of and hurt my shoulder, i was going about 15 mph and landed straight on my arm which really hurt, i cried and its not very often i cry, i was in a lot of pain. its not going to stop me trying, i need the exercise from the weight i have put on with the medication and alcohol.
I did something that upset you and im not sure how to make it up to you, i stuck to my word and told you everything i havent kept any secrets from you and i still feel im in the wrong. You can looking through my phone if that makes you happy, ive got nothing to hide, i dont agree with it but if it helps to get over your feelings about what happened then please go a head. no secrets. Im sorry i did it in the first place i should have thought about how you would feel and how it would effect you. Im not happy now, i feel like i need to be punished to make you happy. Im sorry i did what i thought was what i wanted but it turns out its not what i wanted and ive hurt the one person who is always there for me. Im a failure.
My sleep has been very on and off. i get to sleep about 4 hours after ive taken my medication and then wake up with really bad night mares. I have noticed only yesterday its only when i take zopiclone that i have the nightmares. so im going to try and start weaning my self off it and hope i can still get a good night sleep and not have any nightmares. i have a few trazadone left if i really cant sleep so i will try them and then try and record which ones work best and have no night mares.