Month: October 2015

Every time my bell rings im so anxious it’s the jehovers witness which is terrible as they wanna speak to me.  But I’m so scared of them, I missed the postman today because of them!!!! :,( help me, I wanna move cos of them! :,( 

I need some anxiety medication that will work! I’m struggling without it, it’s making everything worse. I can’t cope, help me! 

I saw them I was very sneaky and saw the camera scenes there using its an energy company! I looked in there van and they had loads of computer screens with video footage. I couldn’t see from my room what was in them but i know they are putting cameras in my flat. I told my support worker and she kept coming up with other solutions but I know it’s spying on me. I’m scared to be in my flat because of the cameras and terrified to leave my flat alone. So I’m stuck!!! 

My room is covered in mould. My clothes are also covered in it. I’m trying to keep on top of the washing to try and get it all cleaned. I’m so scared it’s going in to my lungs as I keep coughing. I called the council and there’s nothing they will do. Which leaves it up to me which is really hard when I have no motivation and scared of the spores going in my lungs. I’m going to try and finish the wardrobe today and get that sorted as its discussing. 

If I have an appointment at home I wait around for hours waiting for my bell to ring or looking out windows to keep an eye on who’s visiting me. It’s s really anxious time. And it makes it even worse when I’ve been waiting round all day for the bell to ring and the appointment gets cancelled last minute. I have been waiting all day pacing waiting for the bell to ring and then no one turns up. This causes so much anxiety and stress. 😦 especially as I’ve been struggling the last few weeks with no/ little support. Feeling not cared abouts to supported! 

I’ve had stuff to harm myself for about a week now but I haven’t used them, I’m really tempted to today as I’m so anxious and alone, but I’ve been trying so hard not to harm I don’t want to break that. I’ve now been out of a psych ward for 4 months which is really good for me, as I only normally last a few months or weeks. I think the medication quetiapine is doing an okay job but not great, as I’m still hearing negative voices and scared about being spied on. I can’t tell if it’s true or my illness taking over again? I guess time will tell. 

Yesterday was the first day in days that I actually got dressed it was only for about two hours but I still did it. I haven’t had a bath in a week or so or a wash so I need to try to get the energy to do this. I’m trying to be normal but I just can’t find the motivation or a reason to look after my self, some times I think I would be better off not here! 

I’m a little bit happy about this as for weeks I’ve had really bad nightmares and been waking up so scared I can’t move but last night for the first time in weeks I didn’t have a nightmare. And nearly slept the whole night. Yey! 🙂 

Recently I haven’t weighed myself out of fear what the scales may say. I look and feel like I’ve put on weight but this could be due to my medication, and diet. I’m hoping when my new medication starts and I’m settled on it that it may help me  to feel more comfortable to maybe leave the house alone to go for a walk. Etc. 

She knows when I need some cuddles and a little extra support. I have good cats they are all really thoughtful and helpful.