Had a really great day, apart from I forgot medication today. I went up town with one of my sister which I have t done in years. So proud, I ate in public and went in shops. Went out for a tiny walk with Joshua. And a longer walk with a family member after they finished walk. Altogether 15,000 steps.
Today I actually got out of bed and sat with cats, I did a lot of looking through old photos, videos and suicide notes. Things have changed in some ways. I dealt with a tesco shop alone.
My tourniquet haven’t used in a while, it’s a pleasure to meet you again. 💖 
The waterfalls.
I didn’t know much about this and I remember the exact moment I was told I was inpatient at my local mental hospital. And I had just had a ward review with my psychiatrist and I didn’t remember the meeting so asked a nurse checking on me what happened. She said “you was diagnosed with schizophrenia, how do you feel about that”I said “I dont know anything about it,” so she sat and explained it to me. I was terrified but it seemed to fit what I was thinking, seeing and hearing. For a split second I thought it answered everything, but as days went on I had more questions, more medication and didn’t believe it, now a year on I’m still sceptical, on antipsychotic medication. Things only feel a little better I’m still scared of opening my curtains because of them spying on me, I know it’s true I saw the van with Cameras in. I still see the spiders more at the moment, have horrible night mares, which I get confused whether there real or not. I still hear the voices and there growing, there’s 8 one new one which haunts me and an other that is soothing. It’s a change I’ve never had a nice voice. I still believe people can hear what I’m thinking I know this because of there reactions when there around me. I have no interest of washing or changing my clothes, no interest of cooking, I do wish I could leave my flat though. I wish I could be half normal and I can put on a front when I’m scared of people seeing how I really am. I go to most of my appointments and still self harm some days, it’s worse that others but it’s not life threatening like it used to be. I do think about suicide, but it’s not just me it will effect, I love my family and friends that I don’t see but I know my death would effect them. I know I can do better, eg being there for them. 💖
Im a failure, always have been always will be!
I can’t do things right like everyone else I always seem to find a way to reck everything.
I can’t even get in a bath with out feeling horrible, I then get out and where the same clothes I’ve worn for the last week in the day and night. I have no motivation to wash or wash my hair which I haven’t done in weeks. A simple task for most yet I can’t seem to get to grips with it.
I get out of bed put socks on stand up and then collapse back in to bed. I see no reason to get up or move. I do nothing just sit staring at the wall wondering when did this all change. There’s so much I could do and need to do but that doesn’t even cross my mind.
I’m useless, I can’t do anything right. Im slowly killing myself, and I feel nothing. I wish I felt something, like I have a purpose to be here, like I’m wanted, like I do things right, but that’s no longer me. I’m nothing!
I don’t deserve anyone to care or listen, I’m just recking everyone else life, I’m better off dead.
But there’s a part of me writing this wishing I could be with my family or go and see my brothers grave, why don’t I you ask, well I can’t leave the house, I can’t even open my curtains how am I supposed to go out and socialise. I’m lonely. And I will probably die lonely.
I saw my CPN went okay I couldn’t really say all the stuff I wanted to something was stopping me. Then I went back to bed was too anxious to do anything else. Didn’t leave the flat. I hate anxiety!
Was raining one minute sunny the next. Went for a few drive rounds to stay calm. Had a nice lay in was worried about on of my cats because she wasn’t eating. Watched walle while going to sleep.
Stayed in bed most of the day I went for a little drive, watched some films. I got a really cute lamb from someone and I’ve called it ed.
Very tired slept a lot. Still on antibiotics finish them Tuesday morning.
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 