Thinking about my diagnosis= schizophrenia.

I didn’t know much about this and I remember the exact moment I was told I was inpatient at my local mental hospital. And I had just had a ward review with my psychiatrist and I didn’t remember the meeting so asked a nurse checking on me what happened. She said “you was diagnosed with schizophrenia, how do you feel about that”I said “I dont know anything about it,” so she sat and explained it to me. I was terrified but it seemed to fit what I was thinking, seeing and hearing. For a split second I thought it answered everything, but as days went on I had more questions, more medication and didn’t believe it, now a year on I’m still sceptical, on antipsychotic medication. Things only feel a little better I’m still scared of opening my curtains because of them spying on me, I know it’s true I saw the van with Cameras in. I still see the spiders more at the moment, have horrible night mares, which I get confused whether there real or not. I still hear the voices and there growing, there’s 8 one new one which haunts me and an other that is soothing. It’s a change I’ve never had a nice voice. I still believe people can hear what I’m thinking I know this because of there reactions when there around me. I have no interest of washing or changing my clothes, no interest of cooking, I do wish I could leave my flat though. I wish I could be half normal and I can put on a front when I’m scared of people seeing how I really am. I go to most of my appointments and still self harm some days, it’s worse that others but it’s not life threatening like it used to be. I do think about suicide, but it’s not just me it will effect, I love my family and friends that I don’t see but I know my death would effect them. I know I can do better, eg being there for them. 💖

By rosiestar11

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