I’m holding on at the moment, it’s taking a lot of motivation to do what I want too, I think what I’ve done is crap no were near as good enough. I’m hating most things right now! I’m giving up. Please hold my hand while I go through this really tough patch.
I’m struggling so much, I’m not sure what I should do. It should have been me. I can’t cope this much, there’s too much going on. I feel like I’m giving up each minute that goes by. I’m really debating on my next course of action, I know it will be the best thing. I’ve told them how I’m feeling but it’s not going to stop me. I’m scared, anxious and fed up of the voices. I don’t feel safe very often at all, it’s terrifying.
Trying to tick things off my to do chart. Bit stressed about getting things sorted.
Been an okay morning, although my left ear has gone deaf. Hoping to go to the gym tonight once I’ve been shopping.
Managed to speak to a doctor because of my dizzyness, she said I’m malnutrited. And need to drink more. Went to a local craft shop and brought these advent calendars I’m going to paint, I also went to see a therapist just to meet her to see what she was like, and I really didn’t like her. I’m so glad I went to see her before just booking the therapy.
Went to the gym but didn’t last long. Went for a drive and got my table fixed.
Went to see a therapist in the morning and she was nice, I could see my self working with her. Then went shopping but it was so busy and was very anxious.
Didn’t do much in the morning. But got a call saying my sister is ill so I’ve gone to look after her. It’s actually quite nice spending time with her. I’m still very dizzy, and not sure how to stop it. My blood sugar is okay, and my blood pressure is a little low and pulse a little high. I think I will call doctors tomorrow, see if they can help.
God, is special.
Been a terrible morning, there was someone hanging on the doors in my block if flats, at 6:55 am and then again a few hours later. Really annoying as I didn’t get to sleep till early morning. Haven’t lost any weight overnight, but did pop to see my family yesterday and download some films. I haven’t really left the bed yet, other than to take my medication. I’m really concerned about the bug in my brain, it’s making me so anxious. I’ve made an appointment for my doctor to call me although it’s not for another couple of weeks. I’m not sure what I should do about seeing my psychiatric team. I got a text from support worker saying about meeting tomorrow but I don’t think I can trust them.
Today I told my cpn what happened last night, the bug that went in my ear which is now in my brain. I can feel it moving around and I know it’s collecting my DNA, what I don’t know is where it’s going to come out and when. So there is a high chance they will get the DNA that the bug was sent to return. I’m terrified as this is going a lot quicker than I thought and I’m not sure how to stop it. I’m terrified. God is helping slightly by giving me ideas on what I can and can’t say. His voice is so calming and over powers the others. My cpn didn’t believe me but I was expecting her to say that as she isn’t going to admit to this. It would ruin there plans. But she now knows that I know.