I trusted to reach out to help but got no where, I’m nothing. Too much for anyone to handle, someone who isn’t wanted here anymore. It’s a lovely place. But I brought it apon myself.
Month: January 2017
I did it.
I went out, got soaked, got medication and listened to my music as loud as possible. Since getting home I’m taking steps to get to where I want to be. I’m going to do it right this time.
I didn’t show the physical pain I’m going through, I only harmed a tiny bit, but I did take a few too many pills, which I think made me sleepy so I didn’t harm as bad. I’m a failure to myself, no one else.
I feel so many emotions I’m not sure what I should do with them. I feel half normal at the moment and that’s a very hard thing to deal with. I feel I dealt with yesterday better than I thought I would, I kept myself busy and the day went pretty quickly.
I’m convinced the pharmacy gave me the wrong medication and the wrong amount, I did ask them about it, but they were sure they were right.
I still feel as though today is still connected and I’m not sure what to do with that. I really either want to take a lot of tablets again, or get drunk. I want to harm, and some part of me doesn’t want to be here at all. I’m scared. I think I’m going to head out side, I’m not sure where or why, I just can’t sit here and do nothing. I need to escape.
The need to be free.
I don’t feel I deserve to eat, I don’t deserve anything good. I don’t deserve anything positive. I need more medication, I need music, I need fresh air, I need a break. I need to be and feel free.
I can’t do this, when I take all my medication it’s too difficult to deal with life. At least when I don’t take the medication I don’t feel here, reality is horrible. I like being in my own world. I miss the non-existence caring. I hate knowing everything that’s going on, I like feeling out of it. I need that break to survive. I know I had made the decision to take the correct medication but it’s so tough trying to deal and understand life. Help me please, I don’t want to know and worry about everything that’s going on.
I’m checking out.
3 years ago today.
Trigger warning: assault, attempted suicide, police.
3 years ago today I was assaulted, it was too difficult to cope with, so I attempted to put a blade to my neck but I was restrained. Then my carer took me out for a drive to talk and be safe. That’s when the police smashed my front door down thinking I was still inside. When I got back to my flat, the police sectioned me under the 136. I was then taken to my local psychiatric hospital and went inpatient.
2 years ago today I was in the new psychiatric hospital near me. I have moved from where the assault took place, but still don’t feel safe.
1 year ago today I got my driving licence back, for being able to stay out of hospital and have no crisis. I also got a car. I was also 2 stone heavier than I am today, and I was only on 300mg quetiapine and today I’m on 800mg.
And then there’s today, still got my driving licence, and not in hospital, trying to be positive but it feels like just yesterday this all happened. This date effects me so much. I’m trying to keep busy to not think about it, but it’s proving impossible.
Positive for the day, 29.1.17
Well today I’ve achieved a lot, I’ve been to the gym and worked out the most, also went for a long walk in the rain, and right now I’m on the exercise bike. This will help me achieve my goal weight quicker. I can do this. I’ve eaten healthy and drank water. I’m on a roll. I have a long list of things to do tomorrow to keep me busy and my brain busy so hopefully I won’t think about the dates.
Leaving the past behind
I know the past means it’s gone, but how do you leave the past behind and move on when so much of it is holding you back?
The thoughts, nightmares and flashbacks, all creeping up on you when you least expect it and when you finally think you are getting over it.
Why is it that dates that traumatic events happened bring everything to the front of your mind? Just when you think your learning to cope with it, and then it takes over your whole mind.
I’m trying not to let it bother me but I think everyone can tell it’s killing me inside. It’s the dates soon of something bad that happened to me and getting me down so much, it’s effecting all my thoughts and actions. I don’t think I will ever be able to explain how it’s eating me up.
No one will ever know the pain I went through and still going through.
Much to my suprise my local psychiatric hospital are starting a new project, called the recovery college.
I was surprised to see some friends on Facebook had liked some of there posts. I didn’t even know they had a Facebook page. But it’s brilliant, it targets more of an audience. And the posts which are being posted are really good. Here is one of the posts. I feel this is a massive step in order to help more people and get mental health talked about.
Also a celebrity attended the opening last week. Which I think is great for publication.