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Update on the day hospital.

Okay so i left early as usual and was there half an hour early. I was so scared. My cpn walked past me without even saying hello, i was a bit upset about this as i felt as though i had done something wrong. But i did have a hat and head phones on. So maybe I didn’t look like me as much as normal, or maybe she was just busy and didn’t see me,.

I then went in to the day hospital at 1:50, and waited out side the room. I was too scared to knock. The man who was taking the blood walked straight passed me in to get a patient to have there blood done. He didn’t know i was waiting for him. Then a doctor came down from upstairs to do my ecg. Which we spend over half an hour doing but it didn’t work, the doctor was a bit odd, he asked me to take my bra off fully. Which i dont normally do for an ecg. But anyway the machine wouldn’t work. I suggested we could use the results from the 3 day heart monitor. So at the moment im meant to be trying to get hold of my GP which i can do until the 1st as he isn’t in. So this means even longer wait for the higher medication. 

Then he doctor brought in an odd form, it was all the tests that need to be done to be able to go on to the higher dose age of medication. Made me a little worried as they weren’t really use to the form so i started to think they are trying to take my dna. But before i expressed my worries, there was another cpn in the room who i know and we were talking. She said ive lost weight since she last saw me which made me happy, and she told me my psychiatrist has asked for blood tests to check my diet. Which has made me worry a little as i know i don’t always eat what i am supposed too.

Then after three attempts we got the blood we needed, and i left. All went okay. 

As i was leaving i saw my cpn at the door so said hi, and told her what has happened and our next things to do about contacting my doctor about doing another ecg. She seemed a lot happier than when she walked passed me at the beginning. She was pleased i had managed to go to the day hospital by my self. And i said i was pleased to see her back. She is still combing to see me tomorrow at our normal appointment, with my medication. 

Over all i did it, and it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. 

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Day hospital.

Today I’m off to the day hospital at the mental health hospital. This is to have my blood taken and an ecg oh my heart. I’m going so they can put me on the highest dose of quetiapine. 

I’m very anxious as I’m still not fully trusting them to not clone me with my blood, but from my knowledge they would need more than just blood to clone me. I hope that’s right. 

Mental health

Glass jar decorated about 20 years ago by me. 

I decorated this jar about 20 years ago and it’s still on top of my parents bathroom cabinet. 

Mental health

Will you catch me when I fall?

I’m falling deeper and deeper in to this cycle of things getting so much worse. The voices,the thoughts, the sleep, the fatness… it’s all too much.

So first is first, medication. I’ve been taking a lot of different medications to get through the day. I’ve literally been overdosing every day for the last two weeks. But I don’t feel any physical effects from it. But today, so far I’ve only taken the correct medication. I don’t know if this is the right choice, I’m not sure how I’m going to cope, or what I might feel. I’m really scared

I’m meant to be seeing my support worker soon, and I don’t know if I should tell her what’s been going on, or not, she is the only person available from my whole care team. 

Mental health

Do I deserve things to go right? Do I deserve to be happy? 

Things have been changing from the last few weeks. I’m now more positive. I’m getting things done and things seem to be going okay. I don’t know if I feel I deserve this. I almost feel guilt for things going okay. 

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New desk, chair and lamp. 

I’m struggling for money but I went and brought a second hand desk, and a chair and lamp. It’s perfect because I’ve been doing more drawing and loads of painting, I can have it all in one place instead of all over my kitchen. I’m really happy with how it looks and going to add everything I want on it tomorrow. It’s been a really long day. 

Cats Pets

Tinkerbells birthday

Today it’s one of my cats birthdays. She is four, had her since she was 6 weeks old and saw her the day after she was born. I loved her then and I still love her so much. She is amazing. 

Here is Tinkerbell with her birthday card. 

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I feel brighter.

Yesterday I was feeling really bad and wanted to end my life. Luckily I had the contact of my carer and he held, also a duty cpn called me as mine has been off over a week. And she told me about the changes in my medication. 

I’ve been feeling so much anxiety and want to get off benzodiazepines, so the plan is to up my quetiapine to 1000mg, which is over the recommended amount, and also going to go back on promethazine, to help sleep. As well as diazepam and procyldine, and then when we’ve got the permission I will be on pregabline. I’m happy about these changes as I really am struggling at the moment and without this change I do t think I would cope much longer. 

I took only the right medication yesterday, and no alcohol, and managed to do some exercise. I also went over my parents and sorted things out with my family. It was a long time over due. 

Things feel good, since I’ve got up I’m at the gym. I’m happy my weight has gone down by 5 pounds this week, so a massive relief that I’m on the right path again. 

I plan on doing the tidying, I haven’t done all this week and plan to get on top of everything again.  Feeling motivated. 

Hope your all doing okay. Best wishes. 

Mental health

Please help me.

I’m feeling like I can’t do this any more and by this I mean live. It’s all too much. I want to ask for help from the services. But I’m not sure what I’m expecting them to do? 

Mental health


I was trying to get better and recover by doing all the things I should, but what’s the point now. Im nothing. I’m just in the way. I don’t want to put the blame on to you, but if you knew how your actions would make me feel, would you change what you’ve said and done?
It’s killing me.