Categories
anorexia Anxiety Carer delusions depression Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis scared Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Voices

Blood transfusion under a section 2 mental health act.

I’ve had a few blood transfusions now but the first one was so terrifying and I was so scared. 

I had been sectioned and taken to a acute psychiatric ward, but they soon realised my hb (heamaglobin) levels were too low. They wouldn’t let me move any where with out a few staff members because I was so ill I was at high risk of dying. 

I remember the night I was admitted I looked to the sky and saw three shooting stars. I had never seen one before I was so excited I want to tell someone but no one was around as it was 3am. 

Any way the next morning the staff came in and told me I’m being transferred to a medical hospital. My heamaglobin was so low they were amazed I was still alive. 

I was checked over and immediately admitted and told I needed a blood transfusion. I refused. They explained if I wouldn’t accept it and let them give me it they would do it with out my permission as I was still sectioned under section 2. This meant that because it was in my best interest I couldn’t say no to the transfusion. I tried all sorts of things to get out of it, messing around with the canulas i had in. Thinking if I took them out they couldn’t give me blood, saying it’s against my religion, and all kind of things.

It took hours and hours of my carer trying to convince me to let them do it, I was also constantly supervised by a member of staff from the psychiatric unit as I was still on suicide watch.

Anyway hours later I agreed to it. Kind of. I said yes but then when they brought the blood in the bag in, I freaked out a bit, my carer had to hold my arm down so they could connect the blood, as I saw it going on to my veins I was so scared. 

This was some one else’s blood going inside me, I also felt I didn’t deserve the blood as my blood levels were so low because of my self harm. I think people who give blood should mean the blood goes to some one worthy of it and I didn’t feel that was me. 

After the first 15 minutes they came to do the checks to see if your having a reaction to it, and I was my temperature had gone up so they stopped the blood going in and game me some medication to bring down my temperature. They then checked on me again and as my temperature had gone down restarted the blood. Which was really scary again. I had to have four units of blood. 

I didn’t learn my lesson though since then I’ve had more blood transfusions, but I haven’t had one for a year (I think). So that’s progress. 

Categories
Mental health

Positive note. 

Categories
anorexia Anxiety exercise Food Health healthy Mental health Over weight Overweight Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

Weight update, 26.3.17

I’ve gained. But I think it’s only because of the time of the month (ladies problems) if that makes sense. I’m hoping it’s that, because I’ve been burning more than I’m eating so I can’t be that. Good news is I normally put on about 5lbs but I’ve only put on 2lbs.

I’m not going to give up, I’m going to get up and fight another day to get closer to the goal weight. I can do it, I’m the only person standing in my way, so I say move and get a move on. 

So now instead of sat here writing this, in going to start my day. 

Have a lovely day, and happy Mother’s Day to all the mother out there! 

Categories
anorexia Anxiety Emotionally unstable personality disorder exercise Food Health healthy Mental health Over weight Overweight Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

Weight loss update

Tomorrow is weigh in day. 

I don’t think I’ve lost much weight but I really have been trying to get rid of it. I’m not going to give up. If the scales say I’ve put on weight I will just try extra hard to loose more for next week, also if I have lost weight then I will be happy but still try just as hard to loose more weight. Let’s see if I can loose 1/2 a stone in a personal record time.

Need to be more careful about what I choose to eat and how much. I’m in control not the food, I can say no. My body doesn’t need as many calories as I think. I need to keep moving. 

Get up earlier is going to be this weeks challenge. I will have more time to exercise which will lead to more weight loss. I can’t do this.

I’m at my lowest weight from the last two years. That’s a great achievement. 

Categories
anorexia Anxiety delusions depression Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act Nhs Past Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Therapy Voices

Years ago when I was sectioned, not enough beds! 

I have been sectioned many times in my life so far, but there is one particular time that has stayed in my head. I had been in the acute secure psychiatric ward for a few weeks under a section 2. 

 I was allowed some leave during the day, but I was moved to a rehabilitation unit for older people, I was about 20/21 years old and the people at this unit was about 50 and above years of age. I was moved here because it was the only NHS placement while I was still under a section. This shouldn’t have happened. I was moved because they needed the bed at the ward I was on but they didn’t feel I was safe enough to go home. 

I think this was discraseful. I was terrified and anxious. I hated it. They dragged one of the old men down the stairs because he wanted to go and have a nap and the rules where you weren’t allowed in your bedroom until 9pm. 

The first day I was there, I managed to convince them to let me have leave, I was only allowed a few hours but I rebelled, and cane back when I was ready. 

Also at the first psychiatric unit my bag was searched and everything that could possibly cause harm to myself was removed. When I was moved to the elderly rehabilitation unit, they didn’t check my bag and I was allowed all the things that were previously removed from me. I was still harming and they had no idea, or even cared. 

Then after a few days my consaltant from the first ward came to see me at the rehabilitation unit, and we both agreed it was making things worse and I was allowed home. Although I fainted twice the day before, due to my blood levels being too low, but I was still released in to the community. 

I would like to say this happened once and they learnt from, but no few months later I was in the same situation. 

Thankfully I haven’t been sectioned in a while. 

Categories
Anxiety Cpn Daily update Diary Disappointment Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions Health hospital Lonely Medication Mental health Personality disorder psychiatrist Schizophrenia self harm Support worker Therapy

I’m falling apart. 

I can feel myself going down the hill and it’s getting quicker with every little trigger. I’m soon going to hit the bottom and then I don’t know what is going to happen.

The difference is normally when this happens I go to the doctors or speak to my mental health team. Not this time. I’m not going to tell them anything. 

This gives me the power and control to keep rolling down this hill. Of course I would love to hit a barrier and that give me a little more time to figure out what I want in life and what I want for my future. 

I don’t know why I’m doing this. I can’t stop myself, I’ve started rolling and I don’t know how to stop. 

Help me. 

Categories
Mental health

Yesterday!

Yesterday was a very draining day, found out that I’m going to be alone Saturday, had a therapy session which I just wanted to break down and cry, and then at my family’s house no one even talked to me. Mum did later text me a nice text but it doesn’t stop all those horrible feelings. 

I’m still wanting to harm, and I will just see what happens. 

Categories
Mental health

I’m drowning in my own tears. 

I can’t stop crying. 

I’m no one. Nothing, worthless piece of space. 

I will never fit in. I was trying my best to spend time and love with my family but why keep trying if all that happens is you get pushed away and ignored by the ones who are meant to love you unconditionally, your family! I’m dead to them, and hopefully will be dead to the world soon. 

I can’t take much more. 

Categories
Anxiety Mental health

There’s some strange things going on today. 

First the care taker from my building was crouching down by my door as I was watching him through the spy whole. There was also drilling going on. Which makes me suspicious about them putting cameras up, watching me. 

Then I’ve had someone coming to do an electric test, I always say to myself I won’t answer my bell but I get so anxious about not answering it. But today was one of the days I majorly regret answering my bell. He has come in. And I feel so awkward and scared. He is trying to be friendly and talk but I just want him to leave. Will I never learn to not answer my bell.

Do not answer the bell!!!!! It will only cause you more anxiety!!!!! Learn from your mistakes!!!!!!

Categories
Anxiety family Happy Health healthy hospital Maternity Mental health Pregnancy Pregnant Sisters

Today I’m trying something new. 

I don’t normally take any pride in my appearance. But today I’m going to try to put some clean clothes on and make up.

This is a new thing for me. The motivation to do it is im hoping to have a photo with my sister who is pregnant today. I haven’t got a photo of us with the bump. I would like it for my own memories and she said she hasn’t got many photos with the bump and wants some. 

It’s starting to feel really real, there is going to be a new addition in to the family really soon, which will throw everything up in the air and I’m hoping we can land all together and it be the best thing that’s happened to us. I hope it brings us all closer together. I hope and pray that everything goes okay. I really love them so much and I hope everything goes as well as it can. 

I don’t usually see my family often, but I’m hoping this will give me a reason and opportunity to be part of the family. Although the likelihood is that I will be pushed out either further.