Emotions family Mental health

My brothers shelf. 

Here is some beautiful ornaments for my brother. He has a shelf in my front room, I have not included some with his personal details, although they are beautiful. But I want to keep them private. 

I lost my baby brother 13 years ago. It was a miscarriage, I feel responsible for his death, from the stress I caused my mum. 

Sleep peacefully beautiful brother. 💙

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Went to the gym. 

Yesterday morning I went to the gym, I received an email from my gym saying are you finding it difficult to get to the gym if so try 10 minutes. I thought that’s right, so I went I only lasted 15 minutes but it was a good start, got out the flat and tackled a thing that causes massive amounts of anxiety. But I did it. Hopefully going to do it again sometime soon. 

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Quetiapine being upped to 1000mg!! 

My white blood cells have gone down pretty low, but my psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse are still happy to up my antipsychotic medication of quetiapine 1000mg XR, which is above the recommended amount, I need blood tests and ecgs to check I’m not getting to ill. 

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Key safe code. 

I have a key safe, which I was putting keys in, I was pretty certain I had changed the combination to a one I wanted, but it later turns out that I hadn’t. 



Luckily someone I knew had the patience to go through every possible combination, few days later it’s unlocked, i hadn’t set it to the right code. 

So I think I have learnt a lesson with this one try before you lock your keys in a key safe! 

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Weightloss update

It’s nearly the end of the month, half way through this month I posted about my weight. To try and motivate me to loose more. 

It worked

I can happily say I am now, 

  • 9:5 stone,
  • 131.2 lbs
  • 59.5 kg

I was 9:8 stone, which means I’ve lost around 3 lbs in a week and a bit.

I’m very happy and surprised about this. But I know I can do better and that starts today. Getting off my bum and going to work out. 

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The difference I feel that I’ve got a niece and not a nephew? 

I’ve had a lot of upset with baby boys in my life. I think the fact my sister has had a baby girl really impacts on how I feel about the whole situation. 

I haven’t held a baby boy since my brother died. It’s a big thing, it was 13 years ago. I’ve found it very difficult to be around baby boys.

When I heard it was a girl my tears that I was going to cry back tracked in to my body and they joy came out. 

I’m so so happy for her. She is beautiful and hopefully today I get to have a lovely cuddle with her.

If it was a boy I think I would be wanting to harm, probably still crying and not wanting to see the baby later today. 

I hope this doesn’t come across as being rude or ungrateful but it’s just had such an in pact my brother dying. 

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It’s a little girl. 

My sister had a very quick labour, she gave birth around 3pm, I’ve seen pictures and my niece is absolutely beautiful. I’m so proud of my sister. 
I can’t wait to meet my niece. They are hopefully allowed home tomorrow, if everything is okay over night. 

If you ever see this post to my amazing sister, I’m so proud of you. Your going to be a great mum, I’m here day or night. Beautiful addition to the family.

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Sister in labour 

My sister is in labour she has gone to my parents house, and turned her phone on silent. I feel really left out, I want to be there holding her hand but she doesn’t want me there, plus I think something is going to go wrong. 

I feel left out but in reality I need to not think about me. I just feel that my mum is taking control, as she texted me basically telling me to leave them alone. 

I really hope all goes well. 

Fingers crossed. X 

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It fits.

I got in to this top today, when I brought it a year ago about 3 1/2 stone heavier it didn’t fit me. And the top now fits me, its baggy on me. 

I know I’m still fat and huge, I’m working on it. 

My body is my number one project. 
Top says “don’t quit your day dream.” 

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My middle Sister called me. 

She is racing her go kart this weekend, and she never normally replies to my texts, not just at the weekends, just like never. 

But today she was replying then called me to tell me how it’s going. 

I’m finally getting the relationship I want with my family. Love them so much. XxX