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Mental health

Why am I such a bother?

It’s amazing what you can hear when your not put on hold, and they talk about you.

Why do I bother.

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Mental health

I wanted to skip my birthday this year but I’m going to celebrate it!

I hate Birthdays especially mine, I find it too emotional. it always goes bad when it comes up to September. But after talking it through I think I’m going to celebrate it. I’m going to be 25, I think that’s a big birthday. Like really admit to myself I’m an adult. 😂

I usually try and hide away from it, or pretend I’m not there. But after talking it through I’m going to have a party with my family at their house. With foods from when I was a child. Hot tub, DVD. And most of all an ice cream station. It’s pretty amazing. It’s basically ice cream with loads of treats to add to it. It’s all fun.

I’m going to be 25, and celebrate it with the family I love. ❤️

Categories
Mental health

I’m the one in control.

I’m not going to have the test.

Let’s see how that plans out.

No one seems to care anymore, so why should I?

I feel so alone and scared.

I hope it’s peaceful, I’m not going to stop until I’m gone.

Categories
Mental health

Hang in there.

Categories
Mental health

I’m fighting with myself today.

I’ve woke up hating myself and body.

I hate the way I look, I hate the voices I hear, I hate the things I see. Why is it so difficult to love yourself?

I’m fat,

I hate the scars all over my body,

I hate the voices,

I hate being told I have mental illness,

I hate taking medication.

Where’s the good?

There’s not one thing I like about myself.

Categories
Mental health

I can’t stop writing.

I write everything down, my thoughts, the voices, the voices thoughts, what I see, what’s going on.

It’s mainly becoming about God and Jesus.

If I write it then I don’t have to have it constantly going round and round. If I didn’t write it down it would eventually bring me to my knees in a big pile of mess.

I’m running out of paper, I’ve resulted to writing on wrapping paper.

Categories
Mental health

I’m not ill, am I?

Why am I taking medication?

Why am I under the mental health team?

When will I get the letter?

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When will I be better? Conversation with my cpn.

As you may be aware I’m currently diagnosed with anxiety, emotionally unstable personality disorder, and schizophrenia.

These effect my daily life greatly, I can’t go out alone, I’m caught up in self harming, and I hear voices. I’ve been told these are part of my illnesses.

Previously my community psychiatric nurse (cpn) has said that I’m ill, which I think I’m finding it difficult to fully admit to myself. So I thought I’d ask her when will I be better?

She replied, when I can have a fulfilling life, achieve what I want too, and do things with out be terrified.

I agree with her, and it’s got me thinking I want to have plans and achieve things with my life.

  • Be able to go out alone,
  • Get fitter and loose weight,
  • Go to Iceland,
  • Help people,
  • Help out in a charity shop,
  • Go shopping alone,
  • Write a book,
  • Get a job working with children with special needs,
  • Skydive,
  • Run a marathon.

So there just a few things I want to achieve. I want to feel alive.

Categories
Mental health

Watching the news… why is it just for me.

I’m so anxious watching the news on tv, it is all aimed at me, am I the only person left on earth?

Categories
Mental health

Alive but dead.

Im alive,I can feel the carpet under my feet, it’s rough and is uneven.

But

I’m being consumed by my brain, my brain is eating my body from the inside out.

So I am dead.