Anxiety brother Mental health Miscarriage Pregnancy

How can you miss someone you never met?

I never got the pleasure of meeting my brother. He died in a miss carriage.

I often wonder what he would look like.

I visit your grave often, but it doesn’t stop me wishing you were here.

I wish I’d never had that sleep over, you might still be here.

When I meet you in heaven I’ve got things I want to say to you, my main word would be sorry. And give you a massive hug.

I look forward to the day I’m finally reunited with you. 💙💫

Mental health

No one.

I know me needing help put alot of pressure on my carer, and I’m grateful he stayed this long, but it’s time to let him break free.

I haven’t heard from any member of my family for a week. So it’s safe to say they couldn’t care less. A text would take seconds, but I’m just not that important to them.

Where as my carer has given up his entire life to look after me, he said that’s enough because I’m alive, but I think I’m the one who gets to choose that.

I was going to text a member of my family but i don’t want to burden anyone else.

I was going to call the mental health team, but what can they do for me. I don’t want to be stopped.

You know when you have that gut feeling that you need to do something, it’s kinda that!

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I know bugs spy on me but I just went to have a bath and it flew directly out the window.

Flies normally can’t find the window so it’s very strange?!

Plus the mental health team seem keen to collect my medication but I think it’s all a set up, so I’m trying to plan it so that they aren’t prepared to take me or put me in hospital.

Plus a guy has been pacing outside the block of flats where I live, they really are after me! They are coming from all directions. I’m scared.

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Thank you for giving blood, you saved mine and my sisters life.

Giving blood is so important to saving lives, you never know when you or a relative is going to need it to save lives.

Your a hero if you give blood, it’s live saving. That makes you a hero in my eyes.

At 2 my sister was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. (Cancer.) and a blood transfusion saved her many times. So a massive thank you to you!

I’ve also needed a few blood transfusions and without them I wouldn’t be here right now writing this blog post. I thank you from my heart for saving my life.

Even though at times I’ve wanted to die, I’m still 100% grateful for you saving my life. I only had my first blood transfusion under a section, and really resisted it, but it made a massive impact to how I physically felt and then my mental health got better.

I had one a few days ago, and this has made me think about all the hero’s out there. I know I can’t give blood myself but I’m motivated to fundraise for charities and help others in any other way I can.

Im hoping that, that’s my last blood transfusion and I can help others in any possible way.

Don’t worry if you can’t give blood you can still be a hero, there are many other ways to save life’s, fundraising, donating to charity, volunteers, working on research or working for charity’s that fund research.

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When did I get fat?

It feels like yesterday I felt thin and was at my lowest weight this year, the next thing I know I’m back into the overweight category.

I hate myself. I see all or nothing.

What I see in the mirror changes everything time even if I saw it seconds ago, it will be different a second later.

I need to get back down to that weight, it means so much to me to try and loose the weight and feel good about myself.

I’m fat, what I see in the mirror is fat, devil, and distorted. It’s scary.

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Reached in to overweight!

I hate myself so much.

I’m so fat and no one can tell me otherwise, I know my weight.

I need to make changes but I really would like support, if your going through weight loss please me.

I’m disgusting, I need to keep moving, I don’t want to be lazy.

I don’t deserve anything nice.

Help me!

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Goodbye alcohol

It’s time for me to say goodbye to alcohol.

It’s not helping me while I’m trying to loose weight, it’s making me less motivated, and it’s making me unhealthy.

I need to stop self medicating with alcohol.

Ok one last one,

Mental health

Is it too early to start watching elf?

Too late I’ve already put it on.

It only feels like Christmas is over but it’s coming round again really soon.

I love elf, it’s the best Christmas film.

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You’d be 14 today.

Hey beautiful brother,

You’d be 14 today, in secondary school and no doubt racing with the youngest two sisters.

My heart hurts for you each day, there isn’t a day that goes but that I don’t think of you, and that moment I found out you had died.

You will always be my brother, I’m so sorry.

Today I will visit your grave as always, this year I will light s candle, put this years bracelet on to remind me of you and making you proud, and I will make a wish when I blow the candle out, I will leave you a new plaque and card.

I will make you proud. I will be the kindness in the world that wasn’t there when you were taken away.

Sleep tight little one.

I love you so much baby brother. 💙

Mental health

Flower from my birthday.

Birthday flowers are beautiful, especially the rose, it connects to my name. Xx