Mental health

Set back!

I’m struggling once again.

I need more alcohol before things get any worse.


I don’t have any more!

I’m going insane,

I can feel it in my veins.

Please lord give me a break,

I can’t handle anymore, for goodness sake!

🐠I want to swim with the fish 🐟

So what now, I really don’t know but if I don’t find something that will help I have no idea what will happen.

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Wish it was that easy for a fresh start… 😢

But it’s not too late for a fresh view on life!

I can’t do this,,, I can do this, I mean, I have to do this! There is no going back!

I’m scared, I’m anxious and I’m all honest I want to end it, but I have to keep going right, but for what, or who?

It’s all so far away all the things I was looking forward too, what can I look forward too that is in the near future?

💡Any ideas ? 💡

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What I gained from loosing my anorexia!

Trigger warning- anorexia! ⚠️

I gained so much from recovering from my anorexia.

Although I’d say I’m weight restored but I still worry about food and weight so much.

I wish I had my anorexic weight back just so I could feel valid having all the anorexia thoughts.

But I’m the short term I’ve gained that I can actually eat in-front if people, I can eat some full fat foods, I enjoy foods including pasta so much,


This all comes with guilt, and worry.

I hate how I look but I’ve never liked how I look. Never!

I want to look nice and thin but will it will it be enough.

I want these thoughts to go away.

I’m not longer diagnosed with anorexia although I think I may have atypical anorexia as my weight is restored but I have so many anorexic traits still to this day, will they ever go?

Will it ever be valid enough?

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Weight loss plan.

So I need to loose weight and quickly. For me. Not for anything specific.

I’m not really too bothered about healthy WeightLoss, just need a lot and quick

I’m already taking 2 types of diet pills.

I’ve started drinking water a lot about 2 litres of water a day, is that enough?

My usual day is all charted on MyFitnessPal or fit bit apps. But I aim for 1,200 kcal. Is that too much?

I drink about 2 litres of Pepsi max or Diet Pepsi everyday.

I don’t have a plan for meal but I eat lunch and dinner with a late night snack. Should I change this?

I really need some guidance, since moving back in with my parents I’m finding it difficult with food and drinking too much fluid but I’m hoping this can help me get to my weight loss target, which is a loss of 73lbs. I have smaller targets in between but that’s my ultimate goal.

Exercise wise I’m making sure I walk as much as I can inside with out looking suspicious or the opposite lazy.

I weigh myself everyday when I go home.

Mental health

I’m proud of myself… wait, what?!

I drove from my house to my parents on my own, overtaking 4 bikes, a person on a zebra crossing, overtaking a lorry and an ambulance on blue lights. I got home safely!

So proud it’s been a long time since ive felt brave enough to drive on my own let alone take over all the bikes and deal with the obstacles!

So proud! Yey!!!!

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I’ve moved in with my parents.

Ok so an overdue update…

I’ve moved back in to the family home in my 20’s this feels like a major set but but it’s not, I’m doing this as it’s best for me and my mental health.

I’m taking responsibility.

It’s going ok. I’m hoping to get some craft things finished and spend time with my family.

My cats haven’t moved in because their dog would eat/hurt them so I’m going back every day to spend time with them and feed them of course.

It’s going ok, it’s only been one full day but I think it’s ok, I struggle at night with wanting to go home but it’s ok I know I can if I want too and it’s a few minutes away in the car.

This is the best for my mental health. While I get myself back on track.

I’m finding old things difficult again though my eating is changing, I used to have anorexia and a few things have brought back those negative feelings. And there is a lot of stress at the moment but I’m dealing with these by trying to eat even though I don’t want too and I’m listening to mindfulness podcasts on Spotify.

I’m finding these really helpful the positives are my drinking alcohol has decreased and my mood has increased.

I’m determined to loose some weight while I’m here and I think I can, but I think I need to remember that I’m trying to do it to be healthy and not anorexic again.

How are you all? Xx

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DBT booklet arrived.

I’ve been very lucky over the years to have received NHS and private therapy.

But I’ve never tried DBT, I’ve heard it’s good especially for people with EUPD and BPD.

I have EUPD and I’m hoping I can work through this booklet and teach myself.

I really want to have a positive life and I feel this is taking the next step as well as being in control of my own safety.

Have you tried it?

Do you think I could do it on my own by going through the booklet?

I had a first look and it looks like it might be really helpful but it looked complicated, and for someone who did well in GCSE I thought I could understand it but it’s harder than I thought.

I can do this, can’t i?

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Crisis team!

I finally got somewhere today.

I’ve been struggling and they agreed to give me some prn so I can try and control the panic attacks and anxiety.

I’m getting myself in to such a state!

I need to get control of this.

I took some 💊 diazepam this evening and that helped.

I’m trying to plan things to do over the next 3 weeks on lock down!

I’m going to try to accomplish things I’ve half started!

I’m going to embrace this time in my life to achieve things.

So extra diazepam has helped so far tonight. I just need to try and keep myself safe for a bit longer.

I think I’m starting to make good decisions, I called the crisis team for help, I took prn and I’m going to keep busy!

At the moment I’ve got this, things can only get better, right?

Hope your all keeping well and looking after yourself.

💕I’m here for you all💕

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🦠April 2020! 🦠

Just so I NEVER forget!

Diesel price at Morrison’s was £1.10
School cancelled
GCSEs cancelled
A-Levels cancelled
Self-distancing measures on the rise.
Tape on the floors at shops to help distance shoppers (2m) from each other.
Limited number of people inside shops, therefore, lineups outside the doors.
Non-essential shops and businesses mandated closed.
Pubs, theatres, restaurants are closed.
Entire sports seasons cancelled.
Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events – cancelled.
Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings – cancelled.
Churches are closed. Graveyards are shut.
Don’t socialise with anyone outside of your home.
Children’s outdoor play parks are closed.
We are to distance from each other.
Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.
Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.
Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitiser.
Bread, pasta, flour, eggs, chicken and chopped tomatoes are sold out everywhere
Shelves are bare.
Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitiser and PPE.
All non-essential travel banned.
Fines are established for breaking the rules. Police patrolling the streets.
Arenas open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.
Press conferences daily from the government.
The government throws money at businesses to try to keep the economy from imploding. Grants and loans. The government to pay 80% of employees wages where businesses cannot continue to do so.
Daily updates on new cases and deaths.
The dead are denied wakes or funerals and barely anyone is allowed at the graveside.
Barely anyone on the roads.
People wearing masks and gloves outside.
Essential key workers are terrified to go to work.
Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this status?

One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other – love one another – support everyone.

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What am I grateful for today?

Ive been feeling a little low over the last few days, but it won’t last things will get better!

I’m grateful for…

  • My cats, they always cheer me up,
  • That my bathroom light came, I can finally have light at night,
  • And I received a sheet from what would have been the Easter spiritual service, and received the beautiful cross in the picture.

I’m adjusting to life and having to have a good think about what I want for life!

I know that I’d like to be happy, I’m looking forward to my job starting so excited, I’m excited about meeting this guy I’ve been talking too when the lock down is over, and I’m looking forward to seeing my family altogether!

Received in the post today from my chaplain.

Tough times don’t last but tough people do!