Category: Daily update

How inpatient is going.

I’ve been in hospital nearly 3 weeks now.

There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.

Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.

It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.

I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.

I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.

I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!

Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.

My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.

On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.

The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.

So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.

It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.

I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.

Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.

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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

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📱 New care co-ordinator call 📞

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date April 23, 2020
1 Comment on 📱 New care co-ordinator call 📞

My new care co-ordinator called me today.

It’s started ok until I voiced how much I was struggling and what with.

It ended with us discussing discharge from the adult mental health team service.

Which isn’t helpful considering I called them all week asking for some help and support with struggling and because they aren’t sure how to help we end up with discharge being the option.

I’m struggling to accept the concept that I was asking for help and then it end up with discharge.

I guess maybe it’s for the best but then, I received a text from my new care co-ordinator saying

“So sorry that you found our conversation difficult and you need to talk you can contact us.”

I’m so confused!!! I thought I was being discharged, now I contact them if I need them!

Which one is it?

I don’t know what to do next, should I message back asking what is happening is it discharge or can they help or do just leave it as I have been told I’m getting discharged.

I mean I think it might be the best thing they aren’t able to help in the way I’d find helpful, by changing my medication or adding in a prn that helps.

So maybe I’m meant to end my life, this is just another sign it’s the right thing to do. Only problem is I know I can’t die. (My body won’t die) but it’s worth a try right?

Tags amht, Anxiety, diazepam, Emotionally unstable personality disorder, eupd, Medication, Mental health, mental illness, paranoid, Personality disorder, psychosis, Schizophrenia, self harm, suicidal, support., Voices

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👋 Hello Monday, new beginning! 💕

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date April 6, 2020
2 Comments on 👋 Hello Monday, new beginning! 💕

Hi,

It’s Monday again, if you think about it we are lucky to be here it’s a blessing another chance to start over, another chance to make a change and another chance to make a difference!

I hope you all have a fantastic week and stay safe and well!

I’m going to try and remain positive in such an uncertain world. 🌍

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Trying to deal with the memories of trauma!

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date January 31, 2020
No Comments on Trying to deal with the memories of trauma!

⚠️ trigger warning ⚠️

Honestly I’m struggling so much.

Im not really sure how to deal with this, I harmed myself yesterday and feel really poorly today.

I hardly slept.

I’m trying to resist the urges to harm again. Especially as I’m in a car right now as a passenger but we’re moving! I need to control my thoughts and voices!

My heart hurts, my brain hurts, my body hurts! Physically and emotionally!

I’m struggling!

Just taken some prn diazepam. Hoping this will help!

It’s my last hope!

😢

Tags alone, rape, scared, self harm, sexual assault, struggling, trauma, trauma anniversary

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Then she broke.

I thought I could hold on to this positivity.

But

I can’t!

I’m struggling so much, so many thing finally broke me and I don’t feel I can take any more!

I’m sorry for the negative post but I guess that’s mental illness for you.

Anything can happen and so many emotional changes!

Mental illness is a struggle.

Self soothe box it is.

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Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date December 31, 2019
No Comments on Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Not in any order!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,

Got a niece,
Turned 18
Passed my driving test
Was sectioned for the first time, so many times after
Had my first blood transfusion
Was anorexic now obese!
Got my own place
Was raped
Got three cats
Being put on antipsychotics
First alcohol drink
First holiday without parents
Sister got married
Got my first silicone baby, Dylan
Started this blog
Been able to eat in-front of people and public
Got closer to extended family
Been to Ireland
Officially got diagnosed with mental health, -schizophrenia, -emotionally unstable personality disorder, -anxiety, -anorexia, -depression, -ocd,
Had a seizure
Done two dance shows
Became a God mother
Went to Florida with my family
Seen many waterfalls
Seen, p!nk, the script, Ed Sheeran, Jess Glynne,
Got 6 tattoos
Dyed my hair purple

My favourite photos from the last decade…

Cake I made for my sisters 25th birthday.

Had dinner on the beach and watched the sunset!

First ever time being handcuffed, hopefully the last!

It wasn’t an arrest, I had done nothing wrong, it was for my safety and to stop me running away!

Tinker bell my second cat as a kitten!

Tiger my first cat and tinker bell cuddling!

Tiger and a cat I looked after for a bit, called Pepsi!

Tigers first car ride to pets @ home! He was so good!

Feeding alpacas!

One day worth of pills!

Overdose treatment!

Sectioned, unfortunately not the last time!

Taylor my youngest cat, now 4 years old!

Tinker bell thinking of getting in the path with me.

My favourite waterfall!

Tiger and tinker bell cuddling!

Waterfall!

Taylor!

Taylor sleeping on me!

Tinker bell!

All three of my cats together!

Dylan my first silicone baby!

My most recent hospital section a month ago!

So I guess that concludes the end of a decade for me! 2010-2020!

It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs!

Reached times in my life I thought I was going to die! But some how I survived, but this next decade I’m determined too live not just survive!

I know it’s cliche but I will make this year count!

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Mental health update.

So I haven’t done a proper mental health update for a while and as it’s coming to the end of the year I’m going too do an update.

I have been sectioned twice in the last few months. I’m now out of hospital after a pretty traumatic time in there!

Since coming out of hospital I’ve stopped my medication.

I’ve put on three stone since being inpatient and put on medication.

I was eating all the foods I fancied and this made me gain so much weight so quickly as well as basically sat on my bed all day everyday. Also put back on too antipsychotic medication.

So since I’ve came out of hospital I weighed myself and I was so shocked! I’ve started diet pills and my gp referred me to slimming world which I start tomorrow.

I’ve stopped the antipsychotic medication and I’m currently doing ok. I’m going to my meetings, keeping myself active everyday and trying to push though all the bad thoughts and voices!

I went too a private Therapist to start therapy but I’ve decided I want to wait a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about my past and trauma, even though I feel it’s holding me back!

Unfortunately I’ve started drinking too much Alcohol. This is probably not helping with my weight!

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year! I’m trying to make it a brilliant time for my family! I know it’s going to be really tricky and I’m going to get upset with my mums behaviour, but I want to make my family happy so I’m going to try my best to stay strong!

I’m really trying so hard to get along with my Family!

So I guess that’s where I’m up too!

I hope you all have a good Christmas and stay safe!

I’m here for anyone if you want to talk or struggling!