Category: depression

Discharged off my section. But the hard work is still to come.

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date June 27, 2020
4 Comments on Discharged off my section. But the hard work is still to come.

The truth of what’s been going on…

So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.

Things got bad real quick.

I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.

I was then sectioned which was horrible.

I hated every second of it.

I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.

It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.

They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.

Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.

I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.

I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.

I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.

Surely it has to get better from here?

This is what I keep reading at the moment.

The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.

Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!

But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.

I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?

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How inpatient is going.

I’ve been in hospital nearly 3 weeks now.

There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.

Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.

It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.

I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.

I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.

I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!

Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.

My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.

On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.

The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.

So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.

It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.

I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.

Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.

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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

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Making key rings!

I’m keeping busy and making key rings for anyone in the uk struggling. Bringing a bit of positivity to these uncertain times!

I’m going to be giving them away completely for free!

💕 Spreading some love! 💕

Just message me your address and I will send you one. Xx

Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd crisis depression Disappointment Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions Future job Mental health mental health blogger Over weight Overweight Personality disorder self harm Weight weight loss weightloss

Truthful update.

Sorry about lack of post, I’m struggling!

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️

I’m worried about so many things…

I worried I’m not good enough for anyone,
That I will never achieve the life I want,
My weight, being so high.
A guy telling me I’m fat, I know I’m fat but being told it is painful!
About getting the coronavirus,
worried I will never have a family, children,
Worried the job won’t go through, like something go wrong,
That I don’t do good enough for mums 50th or Mother’s Day,
That I should have put more effort in to dads 50th,
That I’m going to relapse in to self harm or alcohol,
That I might crash my car,
That I feel sleepy but don’t feel like I’m getting enough sleep,
About money, I am so lost,
About how I look,
About not finishing my nieces scrap book for her birthday!
I will never be good at life or living!
I’m a failure!!!!!

So if you got to the bottom of all of that you deserve a medal. 🥇

What can I do to help all these worries? I’m so lost! XxX

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I want to help you?

Email me at rosiestar11@yahoo.co.uk

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Then she broke.

I thought I could hold on to this positivity.

But

I can’t!

I’m struggling so much, so many thing finally broke me and I don’t feel I can take any more!

I’m sorry for the negative post but I guess that’s mental illness for you.

Anything can happen and so many emotional changes!

Mental illness is a struggle.

Self soothe box it is.

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At animal therapy!

I’ve cleaned and brushed the horse and the mare!

I’ve put the mare in her stable to have a rest!

I’ve been busy!

Unfortunately I’m not feeling well, I’m fasting again to loose weight mainly! But I feel really dizzy!

I’m too scared to tell anyone! Xx.

This afternoon i nearly fell all the way in to the mud in the field! It was funny though!

I then cleaned another horse and then went and spent time with the goats!

Tags Animals, anomaly’s therapy, Anxiety, Emotionally unstable personality disorder, Mental health, mental illness, Personality disorder, Schizophrenia, support., Therapy

Anxiety borderline personality disorder bpd delusions depression Emotionally unstable personality disorder Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia

Disabled parking badge for invisible illnesses!

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date January 11, 2020
No Comments on Disabled parking badge for invisible illnesses!

If you see some one park in a disabled bay with a badge, don’t judge!

You don’t know what’s going on for them!

Just because you can’t see the illness doesn’t mean it’s not there!

So be kind, don’t judge!

There are thousands of illnesses and disabilities that you can’t always see!

Tags Anxiety, disabled, Emotionally unstable personality disorder, invisible disabilities, invisible illnesses, Mental health, mental illness, Personality disorder, Schizophrenia, support.

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Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date December 31, 2019
No Comments on Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Not in any order!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,

Got a niece,
Turned 18
Passed my driving test
Was sectioned for the first time, so many times after
Had my first blood transfusion
Was anorexic now obese!
Got my own place
Was raped
Got three cats
Being put on antipsychotics
First alcohol drink
First holiday without parents
Sister got married
Got my first silicone baby, Dylan
Started this blog
Been able to eat in-front of people and public
Got closer to extended family
Been to Ireland
Officially got diagnosed with mental health, -schizophrenia, -emotionally unstable personality disorder, -anxiety, -anorexia, -depression, -ocd,
Had a seizure
Done two dance shows
Became a God mother
Went to Florida with my family
Seen many waterfalls
Seen, p!nk, the script, Ed Sheeran, Jess Glynne,
Got 6 tattoos
Dyed my hair purple