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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

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Mental health update.

So I haven’t done a proper mental health update for a while and as it’s coming to the end of the year I’m going too do an update.

I have been sectioned twice in the last few months. I’m now out of hospital after a pretty traumatic time in there!

Since coming out of hospital I’ve stopped my medication.

I’ve put on three stone since being inpatient and put on medication.

I was eating all the foods I fancied and this made me gain so much weight so quickly as well as basically sat on my bed all day everyday. Also put back on too antipsychotic medication.

So since I’ve came out of hospital I weighed myself and I was so shocked! I’ve started diet pills and my gp referred me to slimming world which I start tomorrow.

I’ve stopped the antipsychotic medication and I’m currently doing ok. I’m going to my meetings, keeping myself active everyday and trying to push though all the bad thoughts and voices!

I went too a private Therapist to start therapy but I’ve decided I want to wait a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about my past and trauma, even though I feel it’s holding me back!

Unfortunately I’ve started drinking too much Alcohol. This is probably not helping with my weight!

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year! I’m trying to make it a brilliant time for my family! I know it’s going to be really tricky and I’m going to get upset with my mums behaviour, but I want to make my family happy so I’m going to try my best to stay strong!

I’m really trying so hard to get along with my Family!

So I guess that’s where I’m up too!

I hope you all have a good Christmas and stay safe!

I’m here for anyone if you want to talk or struggling!

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Breast cancer clinic.

I went to the breast cancer clinic a few weeks ago.

I was terrified.

I went with my carer and mum, but I went in alone!

First I went for a scan, they were all really nice. It was really embarrassing laying there with my top off, but they made it easier by being so nice.

I then had to wait to see the consultant, who looked at my scans and then examined me. Again I went in on my own!

They don’t think it’s breast cancer which is good, the lump was still there and he did explain what it was but it’s not cancer.

My mum was really quiet on the way back and I think it’s because she didn’t get to come in with me.

She has been really off with me since it, in my head I think it’s because she is disappointed that I don’t have something life threatening and there is no drama left for her!

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Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

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I was sectioned!

They came to my place. We had a chat I was drunk, I listened to the voices and their plan worked.

They let me stay at home!

But I got told I would be assessed again because I’m so unwell from my cousin!

I believed him so I tried to jump out of my window! So that I can damage myself and run away so I can’t be tortured.

The police came they said she wasn’t sectioned she has capacity and left.

The mental health team were then called back and said an ambulance in on its way and she is now sectioned.

They showed up and I tried to do a runner but got caught both times. But one was before I got to hospital and one walking in.

I got restrained, and put in seclusion. I was stripped naked with everyone watching.

Given a dress and blanket both rip proof.

And left there for 7 and a half hours on my own in a locked room!

Then they agreed if I took the meds I could leave the room.Olanzapine, zopicone and pregabline.

I didn’t want to take olanzapine the antipsychotic but they said the would inject me and I would stay in the cell all night.

So I agreed and went to my room and swiftly threw up!

I now have no olanzapine in me and I’m out of the room!

They said I was aggressive and abusive and possibly hurt someone!

I don’t remember I don’t even remember my cousin leaving! I miss him so much but it must have been horrible to see what they did!

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Psychiatrist appointment

I went to my psychiatrist appointment. It went well.

I’m changing back to quetiapine not amisulpride, which is good and what I wanted!

He attempted to try to assess a diagnosis for Asperger, but it was clear I don’t have that!

I’ve apparently got a New care co ordinator not that I know who or when I will see them.

Accepted to have physical health check, which is a big deal because they will then have my blood!

He also gave me something to help me sleep. Which is good! I need a good sleep!

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20 days out of psychiatric hospital!

Yey,

It’s been 20 days out of the psychiatric hospital!

I was in section two for a relapse in my mental state!

I suffer from emotionally unstable personality disorder, schizophrenia and anxiety!

I thought the mental health team were after my dna so I took steps to make sure that didn’t happen, and I ended up needing hospital treatment and then I was sectioned from there!

I’m home now and so glad to be. It’s a luxury compared to being in hospital.

I do miss it sometimes, I miss the contact and the support, I miss there always being someone there to help!

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Last iron infusion

Trigger warning- old scars and hospital pictures!

I was very anemic. My hb was 6.8 which is very low.

I had my last iron infusion this week and I’m so glad it’s over and done with!

It hardly hurt this time and we got the cannula in first time after drinking 2 litres of water!

My dad very kindly took me and stayed with me!

It’s over.

I did it!

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Sectioned

This was my room in the mental health hospital.

I was sectioned!

I’m home now!

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Traumatic week

This past week has been very traumatic, I’ve had to have a Blood transfusion which was done being held down, under the mental health capacity act! I refused it! They also sedated me after the transfusion.

I’ve now been Sectioned under section 2 mental health act!

Miles away from home

but today I feel I’m Getting settled.

And I’m Back on my medication!