Category: Emotions

Categories
Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd crisis Daily update delusions depression Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family hallucinations Health healthy hospital Mental health Mental health act mental health blogger Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis recovery Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Therapy update Voices weight loss weightloss

Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

Categories
Alcohol Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd coronavirus Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family Food Future God hallucinations Health Medication Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia self harm Support worker Voices weight loss yoga

Is this good for my mental health living back at my family home.

I’ve moved to my family home for a while while the lock down is on.

I feel lonely at my flat, I was struggling with my mental health and to keep myself safe but, at my parents I feel just as bad but sometimes worse sometimes better. But either way right now there is no good choice.

I’m struggling so much with

  • disorder eating thoughts,
  • anxiety,
  • ocd thoughts,
  • the voices, although Gods talking to me is reassuring,
  • Suicidal thoughts,
  • self harm.

I’m struggling with a lot.

I’m not sure what to do to help.

I’ve tried…

  • Sticking to healthy eating,
  • Drinking less alcohol, although I find sometimes drinking alcohol helps,
  • Using things in my self soothe box,
  • Calling the mental health team,
  • Using the prn I was given,
  • Using cbd oil,
  • Relaxation playlist on Spotify,
  • Podcasts on relaxation and breathing,
  • Yoga

Is there anything else I can try, I’m seriously struggling and and help would be appreciated?

What I need to do while I’m at my parents is…

  • Ignore the negative comments,
  • Ignore the negative behaviour,
  • Ignore the sarcastic comments and faces,
  • Ignore the attention seeking behaviour from others around me.

Things will be tough while I’m here but it’s ok, it won’t be forever, I need to remember that.

I can survive this rough patch.

I need to breathe.
Categories
Anxiety borderline personality disorder bpd delusions eating disorder Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions Health Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia self harm Therapy

DBT booklet arrived.

I’ve been very lucky over the years to have received NHS and private therapy.

But I’ve never tried DBT, I’ve heard it’s good especially for people with EUPD and BPD.

I have EUPD and I’m hoping I can work through this booklet and teach myself.

I really want to have a positive life and I feel this is taking the next step as well as being in control of my own safety.

Have you tried it?

Do you think I could do it on my own by going through the booklet?

I had a first look and it looks like it might be really helpful but it looked complicated, and for someone who did well in GCSE I thought I could understand it but it’s harder than I thought.

I can do this, can’t i?

Categories
Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd crisis depression Disappointment Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions Future job Mental health mental health blogger Over weight Overweight Personality disorder self harm Weight weight loss weightloss

Truthful update.

Sorry about lack of post, I’m struggling!

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️

I’m worried about so many things…

  • I worried I’m not good enough for anyone,
  • That I will never achieve the life I want,
  • My weight, being so high.
  • A guy telling me I’m fat, I know I’m fat but being told it is painful!
  • About getting the coronavirus,
  • worried I will never have a family, children,
  • Worried the job won’t go through, like something go wrong,
  • That I don’t do good enough for mums 50th or Mother’s Day,
  • That I should have put more effort in to dads 50th,
  • That I’m going to relapse in to self harm or alcohol,
  • That I might crash my car,
  • That I feel sleepy but don’t feel like I’m getting enough sleep,
  • About money, I am so lost,
  • About how I look,
  • About not finishing my nieces scrap book for her birthday!
  • I will never be good at life or living!
  • I’m a failure!!!!!

So if you got to the bottom of all of that you deserve a medal. 🥇

What can I do to help all these worries? I’m so lost! XxX

Categories
Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd crisis Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions hobby i did it Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia self harm Therapy

Finished!!!!!

Ive finished my self soothe box.

What do you think of it? All done by me!

Self soothe box done by me!

What else can I add too it?

It’s my alternative to harming, or when I am in crisis.

I’m not sure what else I can add?

Categories
anorexia Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd Cpn delusions depression Disappointment Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions hallucinations Happy Health Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychosis scared Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Voices

I want to help you?

Email me at rosiestar11@yahoo.co.uk

Categories
Emotions Mental health Past

Anniversary of a traumatic event in 5 days!

I’m seriously scared,

Does anyone have any tips on how to survive a traumatic anniversary?

Any suggestions will be helpful.

I usually end up harming or doing something dangerous just to try and cope with the memories/flash backs!

But I need to get a grip on this, there are so many things that trigger the memories of it or flash backs.

I’m constantly having nightmares.

I had a panic attack last night due to it all becoming too overwhelming!

Help please?

Categories
Alcohol Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd Cpn Dad Daily update delusions diet Disappointment Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family hallucinations Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act mental health blogger Mum Nhs Over weight Overweight Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Sisters Support worker Therapy Voices Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

Mental health update.

So I haven’t done a proper mental health update for a while and as it’s coming to the end of the year I’m going too do an update.

I have been sectioned twice in the last few months. I’m now out of hospital after a pretty traumatic time in there!

Since coming out of hospital I’ve stopped my medication.

I’ve put on three stone since being inpatient and put on medication.

I was eating all the foods I fancied and this made me gain so much weight so quickly as well as basically sat on my bed all day everyday. Also put back on too antipsychotic medication.

So since I’ve came out of hospital I weighed myself and I was so shocked! I’ve started diet pills and my gp referred me to slimming world which I start tomorrow.

I’ve stopped the antipsychotic medication and I’m currently doing ok. I’m going to my meetings, keeping myself active everyday and trying to push though all the bad thoughts and voices!

I went too a private Therapist to start therapy but I’ve decided I want to wait a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about my past and trauma, even though I feel it’s holding me back!

Unfortunately I’ve started drinking too much Alcohol. This is probably not helping with my weight!

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year! I’m trying to make it a brilliant time for my family! I know it’s going to be really tricky and I’m going to get upset with my mums behaviour, but I want to make my family happy so I’m going to try my best to stay strong!

I’m really trying so hard to get along with my Family!

So I guess that’s where I’m up too!

I hope you all have a good Christmas and stay safe!

I’m here for anyone if you want to talk or struggling!

Categories
anorexia Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder cancer Career Carer Cpn Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions exercise family Future Glad Happy Health healthy i did it Medication Mental health mental health blogger Now Over weight Overweight Past Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis scared Schizophrenia self harm Support worker Therapy Voices Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

Categories
beach blogger Daily update diet Emotions Health healthy i did it Mental health mental health blogger self harm Therapy Weight weight loss weightloss

Goal this year.

I’m now 27, time to get my life on track.

These are goals I want to achieve this year!

I want to work on my Weight, get down to 9 stone minimum, by eating healthy and going on walks!

I’m going to try to get out the flat every day.

I want to get a Job at animal antics, but first go there to volunteer.

I want to work on get driving again.

Family. I want to work on seeing my family more. I want to make the effort to spend time with them!

Be more responsible for my own life and care. Try to make meals for myself. Try to take care of my own medication.

Make friends. I want to go out and make friends. I want to have a good support network.

fit and healthy, is a good thing for my life! I need to be able to go places and see the world. (At least England)

No self harm- one whole year. (nothing!) i can do this!

Save money.

Move to the beach

Get a tattoo designed by my favourite cousin.

I think that is a lot to work on but I can do it.