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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

Categories
family Food Mental health

Mum brought me dinner over.

My carer isn’t around at the moment, I’m not sure if it’s a break from me or for ever.

But I haven’t been eating well.

My mum made me dinner and brought it over social distancing of course.

Thank you mum. Xx

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Career Carer family Mental health

This is a blog post my carer did for mental health awareness week.

This is a blog post my carer and cousins did about being a career for someone with mental health.

What do you think?

For the past six and half years I’ve been a carer for a family member who has serious mental illnesses. And this is the first time I’ve blogged about it. There are lots of reasons why I’ve never written about it before. It seems unfair to write about my tough times when her’s are so much worse. I never knew how to separate what she was going through from my experience, and it doesn’t seem fair to tell her story, that’s for her to do. But over the past few weeks I’ve become more aware of my feelings about my experiences, and since it’s Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I’d try to put some of those thoughts in writing.

Being a carer is isolating. I’ve never met or even talked to anyone else who cares for someone with mental illness, and I’ve never been able to talk about my experiences. I wonder about how other carers cope, what they have to go through, whether I could ever help them.

Being a carer is inspiring. I’ve seen someone who has experienced the most devastating of life events and the effects of a life-defining, self-destructive, crippling illness and yet never give up. With every victory over a fear she shows me what being brave really means, and with every step she takes towards a better life she shows me what being strong really looks like.

Being a carer is physically and emotionally draining. Nights without sleep, days without eating, hours of holding her in restraints, even more hours of standing between her and the negative consequences of her actions, dealing with police, ambulance, doctors. No breaks, no days off, no holidays. All of it takes its toll. I feel it in the ache of my back and in the heavy slowness of my thoughts.

Being a carer is defining. It made me question the kind of person I want to be and helped me figure out what is truly important to me. When I hear people talk about TV programmes they’ve watched I’m glad I don’t have time for such mundanities. When I see people getting worked up about stuff that doesn’t even affect them I’m glad my stresses are the result of having a positive impact on someone else’s life.

Being a carer comes with lots of responsibilities. Last week was a tough week. Looking back on it I can see how one decision in particular that I made turned out ok. If I had made a different decision the repercussions would have been life threatening. That’s a huge burden to bear, and one that I bear alone because of the isolation.

Being a carer is an adventure. There are so many things I’ve done, places I’ve been and experiences I’ve had (good and bad) that I would never have had if I wasn’t a carer. I’ve never been one to settle for an ordinary life but being a carer took that to an entirely new level.

Being a carer is unappreciated. I never expected any gratitude for being a carer, but I also never expected the negativity, criticism and suspicion about my motives. I guess that’s just people being people and it doesn’t bother me anywhere near as much as it perplexes me.

Being a carer is awesome. Although no one will ever see the work I’ve done or know the things I’ve achieved, I feel like her life is my masterpiece. That probably sounds weird, and I struggle to find the words to communicate what I mean, but when I look back over the last six and a half years I know there is nothing I would have rather done with my life.

There have been lots of tough times, more tough times than easy, and I’m sure more to come. I get through the tough times by being tougher, because it’s the only way I know how. I feel lucky to have been prepared for all of this by my own life experiences, training from jobs I’ve had, and a stoic personality that doesn’t like to quit. Is my approach healthy? Probably not, but I feel a certain amount of self-sacrifice is called for in order to achieve something more important.

Categories
Career Carer family Mental health

This is a blog post my carer did for mental health awareness week.

This is a blog post my carer and cousins did about being a career for someone with mental health.

What do you think?

For the past six and half years I’ve been a carer for a family member who has serious mental illnesses. And this is the first time I’ve blogged about it. There are lots of reasons why I’ve never written about it before. It seems unfair to write about my tough times when her’s are so much worse. I never knew how to separate what she was going through from my experience, and it doesn’t seem fair to tell her story, that’s for her to do. But over the past few weeks I’ve become more aware of my feelings about my experiences, and since it’s Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I’d try to put some of those thoughts in writing.

Being a carer is isolating. I’ve never met or even talked to anyone else who cares for someone with mental illness, and I’ve never been able to talk about my experiences. I wonder about how other carers cope, what they have to go through, whether I could ever help them.

Being a carer is inspiring. I’ve seen someone who has experienced the most devastating of life events and the effects of a life-defining, self-destructive, crippling illness and yet never give up. With every victory over a fear she shows me what being brave really means, and with every step she takes towards a better life she shows me what being strong really looks like.

Being a carer is physically and emotionally draining. Nights without sleep, days without eating, hours of holding her in restraints, even more hours of standing between her and the negative consequences of her actions, dealing with police, ambulance, doctors. No breaks, no days off, no holidays. All of it takes its toll. I feel it in the ache of my back and in the heavy slowness of my thoughts.

Being a carer is defining. It made me question the kind of person I want to be and helped me figure out what is truly important to me. When I hear people talk about TV programmes they’ve watched I’m glad I don’t have time for such mundanities. When I see people getting worked up about stuff that doesn’t even affect them I’m glad my stresses are the result of having a positive impact on someone else’s life.

Being a carer comes with lots of responsibilities. Last week was a tough week. Looking back on it I can see how one decision in particular that I made turned out ok. If I had made a different decision the repercussions would have been life threatening. That’s a huge burden to bear, and one that I bear alone because of the isolation.

Being a carer is an adventure. There are so many things I’ve done, places I’ve been and experiences I’ve had (good and bad) that I would never have had if I wasn’t a carer. I’ve never been one to settle for an ordinary life but being a carer took that to an entirely new level.

Being a carer is unappreciated. I never expected any gratitude for being a carer, but I also never expected the negativity, criticism and suspicion about my motives. I guess that’s just people being people and it doesn’t bother me anywhere near as much as it perplexes me.

Being a carer is awesome. Although no one will ever see the work I’ve done or know the things I’ve achieved, I feel like her life is my masterpiece. That probably sounds weird, and I struggle to find the words to communicate what I mean, but when I look back over the last six and a half years I know there is nothing I would have rather done with my life.

There have been lots of tough times, more tough times than easy, and I’m sure more to come. I get through the tough times by being tougher, because it’s the only way I know how. I feel lucky to have been prepared for all of this by my own life experiences, training from jobs I’ve had, and a stoic personality that doesn’t like to quit. Is my approach healthy? Probably not, but I feel a certain amount of self-sacrifice is called for in order to achieve something more important.

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Alcohol Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd coronavirus Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family Food Future God hallucinations Health Medication Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia self harm Support worker Voices weight loss yoga

Is this good for my mental health living back at my family home.

I’ve moved to my family home for a while while the lock down is on.

I feel lonely at my flat, I was struggling with my mental health and to keep myself safe but, at my parents I feel just as bad but sometimes worse sometimes better. But either way right now there is no good choice.

I’m struggling so much with

  • disorder eating thoughts,
  • anxiety,
  • ocd thoughts,
  • the voices, although Gods talking to me is reassuring,
  • Suicidal thoughts,
  • self harm.

I’m struggling with a lot.

I’m not sure what to do to help.

I’ve tried…

  • Sticking to healthy eating,
  • Drinking less alcohol, although I find sometimes drinking alcohol helps,
  • Using things in my self soothe box,
  • Calling the mental health team,
  • Using the prn I was given,
  • Using cbd oil,
  • Relaxation playlist on Spotify,
  • Podcasts on relaxation and breathing,
  • Yoga

Is there anything else I can try, I’m seriously struggling and and help would be appreciated?

What I need to do while I’m at my parents is…

  • Ignore the negative comments,
  • Ignore the negative behaviour,
  • Ignore the sarcastic comments and faces,
  • Ignore the attention seeking behaviour from others around me.

Things will be tough while I’m here but it’s ok, it won’t be forever, I need to remember that.

I can survive this rough patch.

I need to breathe.
Categories
craft family Mental health

🦙Alpaca with finger ink from my 12 year old sister💕

My sister was so kind to me this nearly made me cry, that she spent the time to make this for me.

She is so clever!

I’m so happy. Thank you to my gorgeous sister.

🦙

Categories
anorexia Anxiety family Mental health mental health blogger

I’ve moved in with my parents.

Ok so an overdue update…

I’ve moved back in to the family home in my 20’s this feels like a major set but but it’s not, I’m doing this as it’s best for me and my mental health.

I’m taking responsibility.

It’s going ok. I’m hoping to get some craft things finished and spend time with my family.

My cats haven’t moved in because their dog would eat/hurt them so I’m going back every day to spend time with them and feed them of course.

It’s going ok, it’s only been one full day but I think it’s ok, I struggle at night with wanting to go home but it’s ok I know I can if I want too and it’s a few minutes away in the car.

This is the best for my mental health. While I get myself back on track.

I’m finding old things difficult again though my eating is changing, I used to have anorexia and a few things have brought back those negative feelings. And there is a lot of stress at the moment but I’m dealing with these by trying to eat even though I don’t want too and I’m listening to mindfulness podcasts on Spotify.

I’m finding these really helpful the positives are my drinking alcohol has decreased and my mood has increased.

I’m determined to loose some weight while I’m here and I think I can, but I think I need to remember that I’m trying to do it to be healthy and not anorexic again.

How are you all? Xx

Categories
family Mental health mental health blogger Past

No wonder I can’t trust.

All my life I’ve been betrayed. When I was younger my parents used to look through my diary without my permission, that’s the one place. I used to feel able too express how I was feeling until that got taken away from me then it was my phone behind my back then used as a punishment, then my school work. I only found out about some of these because there are photo copies of my diary and school work in my mental health records when I requested them. I now have photo copies of everything my parents did behind my back. No wonder I don’t feel I can be honest or open up to anyone.

I can not trust anyone. Every time I think I can, I find out I can’t.

Then when I had my own place my cousin would go through my phone. I only found out one night because Siri accidentally went off. I mean how wrong is that. I thought I could trust him.

I did a poll on my Instagram and 54 people said it’s not ok! I think that says it all.

So next time someone says why can’t you trust anyone! Here is why.

I hate that it will effect me for the rest of my life.

I know I need to get past the anger and move on but HOW?

I don’t know how to. I’ve been betrayed my whole life and now I have to live in fear of my privacy always being taken away from me.

Any ideas of how to get feelings and emotions out when you have no privacy?

By the way yes I’m an adult and it still happens!

Categories
family Mental health

My Mother’s Day daffodils and card from my niece as I’m her God mother.

So grateful, this means so much too me. I love my niece/ God daughter,

Categories
craft family

My sister made this with battleships

How nice. X

❤️