Category: Future

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Is this good for my mental health living back at my family home.

I’ve moved to my family home for a while while the lock down is on.

I feel lonely at my flat, I was struggling with my mental health and to keep myself safe but, at my parents I feel just as bad but sometimes worse sometimes better. But either way right now there is no good choice.

I’m struggling so much with

  • disorder eating thoughts,
  • anxiety,
  • ocd thoughts,
  • the voices, although Gods talking to me is reassuring,
  • Suicidal thoughts,
  • self harm.

I’m struggling with a lot.

I’m not sure what to do to help.

I’ve tried…

  • Sticking to healthy eating,
  • Drinking less alcohol, although I find sometimes drinking alcohol helps,
  • Using things in my self soothe box,
  • Calling the mental health team,
  • Using the prn I was given,
  • Using cbd oil,
  • Relaxation playlist on Spotify,
  • Podcasts on relaxation and breathing,
  • Yoga

Is there anything else I can try, I’m seriously struggling and and help would be appreciated?

What I need to do while I’m at my parents is…

  • Ignore the negative comments,
  • Ignore the negative behaviour,
  • Ignore the sarcastic comments and faces,
  • Ignore the attention seeking behaviour from others around me.

Things will be tough while I’m here but it’s ok, it won’t be forever, I need to remember that.

I can survive this rough patch.

I need to breathe.
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👋 Hello Monday, new beginning! 💕

Hi,

It’s Monday again, if you think about it we are lucky to be here it’s a blessing another chance to start over, another chance to make a change and another chance to make a difference!

I hope you all have a fantastic week and stay safe and well!

I’m going to try and remain positive in such an uncertain world. 🌍

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Truthful update.

Sorry about lack of post, I’m struggling!

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️

I’m worried about so many things…

  • I worried I’m not good enough for anyone,
  • That I will never achieve the life I want,
  • My weight, being so high.
  • A guy telling me I’m fat, I know I’m fat but being told it is painful!
  • About getting the coronavirus,
  • worried I will never have a family, children,
  • Worried the job won’t go through, like something go wrong,
  • That I don’t do good enough for mums 50th or Mother’s Day,
  • That I should have put more effort in to dads 50th,
  • That I’m going to relapse in to self harm or alcohol,
  • That I might crash my car,
  • That I feel sleepy but don’t feel like I’m getting enough sleep,
  • About money, I am so lost,
  • About how I look,
  • About not finishing my nieces scrap book for her birthday!
  • I will never be good at life or living!
  • I’m a failure!!!!!

So if you got to the bottom of all of that you deserve a medal. 🥇

What can I do to help all these worries? I’m so lost! XxX

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Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Not in any order!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,

  • Got a niece,
  • Turned 18
  • Passed my driving test
  • Was sectioned for the first time, so many times after
  • Had my first blood transfusion
  • Was anorexic now obese!
  • Got my own place
  • Was raped
  • Got three cats
  • Being put on antipsychotics
  • First alcohol drink
  • First holiday without parents
  • Sister got married
  • Got my first silicone baby, Dylan
  • Started this blog
  • Been able to eat in-front of people and public
  • Got closer to extended family
  • Been to Ireland
  • Officially got diagnosed with mental health, -schizophrenia, -emotionally unstable personality disorder, -anxiety, -anorexia, -depression, -ocd,
  • Had a seizure
  • Done two dance shows
  • Became a God mother
  • Went to Florida with my family
  • Seen many waterfalls
  • Seen, p!nk, the script, Ed Sheeran, Jess Glynne,
  • Got 6 tattoos
  • Dyed my hair purple

My favourite photos from the last decade…

Cake I made for my sisters 25th birthday.

Had dinner on the beach and watched the sunset!

First ever time being handcuffed, hopefully the last!

It wasn’t an arrest, I had done nothing wrong, it was for my safety and to stop me running away!

Tinker bell my second cat as a kitten!

Tiger my first cat and tinker bell cuddling!

Tiger and a cat I looked after for a bit, called Pepsi!

Tigers first car ride to pets @ home! He was so good!

Feeding alpacas!

One day worth of pills!

Overdose treatment!

Sectioned, unfortunately not the last time!

Taylor my youngest cat, now 4 years old!

Tinker bell thinking of getting in the path with me.

My favourite waterfall!

Tiger and tinker bell cuddling!

Waterfall!

Taylor!

Taylor sleeping on me!

Tinker bell!

All three of my cats together!

Dylan my first silicone baby!

My most recent hospital section a month ago!

So I guess that concludes the end of a decade for me! 2010-2020!

It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs!

Reached times in my life I thought I was going to die! But some how I survived, but this next decade I’m determined too live not just survive!

I know it’s cliche but I will make this year count!

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Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

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Celebrating a Year out of hospital nearly landed me a night in hospital

I was celebrating a year out of inpatient hospital stays, by visiting the beach but… I tripped over a wall nearly straight into the sea. My carer saved me by centre meters. But I’ve really hurt my foot. Photo I took of the sea.

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Christmas lights?

My family always put up Christmas lights out side the house, we all love seeing them so why don’t we help dad put them up?

There’s enough of us to help him get it done really quick and then, dad won’t be out in the cold for hours.

I think dad is feeling the same this year, because they have just been left up from last year.

We don’t support or help him enough,

I’m sure they will look as good next year, just as they did last year.

Christmas lights,🎅🏼❄️☃️🛷

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TRIGGER WARNING-scars

I’ve self harmed for years, every scar has a story and meaning. They are evidence of surviving and my life. I had this tattoo designed by scratch, the flame symbolising my brother who’s not here, and all three of my sisters chose a flower. So my arm has been changed from showing my scars and story to the love of my family

Tattoo covering my scars up.

First pic my scars… second the design…the finished tattoo.

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Medication to survive.

I hate the fact that I have to take medication to be sane.

Would I rather be who I really am with no medication or this fake medicated self.

Maybe I want the voices, maybe I want to not know what’s real, may be I want to feel free and feel I have no responsibilities.

I wish I was free.

No medication.

No rules.

Just me!

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Fed up of these weekly blood tests.

Clozapine has given me my life back.

I feel things have improved so much since being on it, but the weekly blood tests and trying to remember to take it twice a day make it so difficult to look just at the positives.

I will admit. Clozapine is the best antipsychotic I’ve been on and trust me I’ve nearly tried them all.