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Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Not in any order!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,

  • Got a niece,
  • Turned 18
  • Passed my driving test
  • Was sectioned for the first time, so many times after
  • Had my first blood transfusion
  • Was anorexic now obese!
  • Got my own place
  • Was raped
  • Got three cats
  • Being put on antipsychotics
  • First alcohol drink
  • First holiday without parents
  • Sister got married
  • Got my first silicone baby, Dylan
  • Started this blog
  • Been able to eat in-front of people and public
  • Got closer to extended family
  • Been to Ireland
  • Officially got diagnosed with mental health, -schizophrenia, -emotionally unstable personality disorder, -anxiety, -anorexia, -depression, -ocd,
  • Had a seizure
  • Done two dance shows
  • Became a God mother
  • Went to Florida with my family
  • Seen many waterfalls
  • Seen, p!nk, the script, Ed Sheeran, Jess Glynne,
  • Got 6 tattoos
  • Dyed my hair purple

My favourite photos from the last decade…

Cake I made for my sisters 25th birthday.

Had dinner on the beach and watched the sunset!

First ever time being handcuffed, hopefully the last!

It wasn’t an arrest, I had done nothing wrong, it was for my safety and to stop me running away!

Tinker bell my second cat as a kitten!

Tiger my first cat and tinker bell cuddling!

Tiger and a cat I looked after for a bit, called Pepsi!

Tigers first car ride to pets @ home! He was so good!

Feeding alpacas!

One day worth of pills!

Overdose treatment!

Sectioned, unfortunately not the last time!

Taylor my youngest cat, now 4 years old!

Tinker bell thinking of getting in the path with me.

My favourite waterfall!

Tiger and tinker bell cuddling!

Waterfall!

Taylor!

Taylor sleeping on me!

Tinker bell!

All three of my cats together!

Dylan my first silicone baby!

My most recent hospital section a month ago!

So I guess that concludes the end of a decade for me! 2010-2020!

It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs!

Reached times in my life I thought I was going to die! But some how I survived, but this next decade I’m determined too live not just survive!

I know it’s cliche but I will make this year count!

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Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

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Last iron infusion

Trigger warning- old scars and hospital pictures!

I was very anemic. My hb was 6.8 which is very low.

I had my last iron infusion this week and I’m so glad it’s over and done with!

It hardly hurt this time and we got the cannula in first time after drinking 2 litres of water!

My dad very kindly took me and stayed with me!

It’s over.

I did it!

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Help me… help you.

What do you want? How can I help. My personality helps me be the person I want to be and help others, but how can I help if I don’t know what you want and what’s the best thing to do or say.

So tell me how Can i help?

What do I want? I want to be the person I imagine to be. I want to be known as the person who helps everyone no matter what.

Are we brave enough to tell people what we want and how to help especially as we don’t know each other. But it’s a perfect time to meet, be friends or just someone we know we can turn too.

Achieve-able? I hope.

I guess this leaves me to wait, but remember

I’m here for you.

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Celebrating a Year out of hospital nearly landed me a night in hospital

I was celebrating a year out of inpatient hospital stays, by visiting the beach but… I tripped over a wall nearly straight into the sea. My carer saved me by centre meters. But I’ve really hurt my foot. Photo I took of the sea.

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I was brave.

Today I had to go to my local mental health hospital to collect medication. Normally I walk but today I have my car so I was able to drive there.

I did it.

I drove there, parked, got a ticket, walked in all on my own.

I can’t quite believe it.

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I’ve been asked to be my nieces Godmother.

I’m delighted. Of course I said yes.

I haven’t spent much time with her in her 6 months alive, due to my own anxieties and emotional issues.

But I love her so much.

I had kinda guessed from the texts saying the family want to see me. It’s not like them to understand what I’m going through. Although they’ve all been really understanding this time.

Anyway, my nieces christening is in three months, that give me time to spend more time with her and make sure I look how I wanted to when she was born.

I’ve got a special relationship with God, this brings me even closer.

I’m so pleased. 💖

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Don’t judge by clothes or scars

I went in to a subway restaurant while I was away on holiday in the uk. You might ask why is she telling me this… well there was a lady serving us with lots of scars on her arms. I immediately wanted to give her a hug and tell her how brave she is. But why should I treat her any different.

I was judging her they could be scars from something unrelated to mental health.

Moral to me don’t judge people by there cover.

But if you are struggling with mental health issues or self harm, keep fighting I’m proud of you. Your so brave. I’m here for you.

Sending hugs your way. Xxx

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Youngest sisters party and the approvments I’ve made

Yesterday was my youngest sister birthday and party, she turns 10. Feels like she is growing up so much. 

She said to me ther gifts I gave her made her life complete. I’m so glad she liked them I painted a few things and then giant inflatables, and a four leaf clover necklace. She was so pleased and happy. 

Then parents and that went to get things ready for the party. I was with the birthday girl and my sister who is 16, it was nice to spend quality time with them, the birthday girl wanted to play with her toys so I was in charge of opening the boxes, whilst also talking to my sister who is 16. She was really upset, she felt like mum and dad aren’t appreciating the tidying she does and that they are constantly going on at her to help. She also really wanted her boyfriend to come to our sisters party but parents said no. She was crying so we had s group hug.

I’m so glad I was there so she could talk to me and express how she was feeling. Her exams finish this week, understandable she is still very stressed about them.

Then I stayed, normally I would have gone home, I find my parents house to overwhelming with all the bad memories and the intense atmosphere.

It was party time at 3pm, I had been at my parents house since 7:30 am, this is a record breaker for how long I would normally stay there. 

Well the party was really busy and stressful but I think due to the pregabline I was able to stay and take control when mum and dad were busy with other things. It was sad to see the birthday girl left out of everything. She is really quiet and shy (like I was) and she was always left out. I made s big deal of making sure she chose what we were doing and when. I think this helped her feel like it was her party, despite the nasty “friends”. There was two nice ones out of I think 13. I feel sorry for her, I’m also glad I was there to talk to her and help her through it as she was pretty stressed. Our parents aren’t very good at this. 

So yer anyway I left there’s at 10:30pm. I stayed there 15 hours. 

At the end my mum said to me I like your new medication your so much better on it and I’m really proud of you today.  This is HUGE! Mum doesn’t compliment me, and she was proud of me. 

So ending on a high, things are slowing getting better on pregabline. 

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I have now officially hit the 1000th post on my blog!

My blog has been with me through some years and some really tough times. 

I will continue to blog regularly, thank you to all my followers and people that read my posts. Love to you all!

YEY… 1000th post!