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I felt you kick.

I remember back 14 years ago feeling you kick from inside out mums womb.

I never had any idea you would die soon after.

I feel very responsible it your death, just if I hadn’t cause mum the stress you may be here with us, getting ready for Christmas.

After mum having four girls we were so excited to have you as our brother.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.

Sleep tight little one.

I wish I had held you, given you a great big hug, so you knew how loved you are.

I visit your resting place often, and I always want to come and join you in heaven.

I remember the day you were born, seeing my mum crouched in the corner, shouting that I had killed you, her son.

I love you. I’m sorry,


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My picture semicolon project.

Took this picture over the weekend. 

Your story isn’t over, key fighting! 

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The difference I feel that I’ve got a niece and not a nephew? 

I’ve had a lot of upset with baby boys in my life. I think the fact my sister has had a baby girl really impacts on how I feel about the whole situation. 

I haven’t held a baby boy since my brother died. It’s a big thing, it was 13 years ago. I’ve found it very difficult to be around baby boys.

When I heard it was a girl my tears that I was going to cry back tracked in to my body and they joy came out. 

I’m so so happy for her. She is beautiful and hopefully today I get to have a lovely cuddle with her.

If it was a boy I think I would be wanting to harm, probably still crying and not wanting to see the baby later today. 

I hope this doesn’t come across as being rude or ungrateful but it’s just had such an in pact my brother dying. 

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It’s a little girl. 

My sister had a very quick labour, she gave birth around 3pm, I’ve seen pictures and my niece is absolutely beautiful. I’m so proud of my sister. 
I can’t wait to meet my niece. They are hopefully allowed home tomorrow, if everything is okay over night. 

If you ever see this post to my amazing sister, I’m so proud of you. Your going to be a great mum, I’m here day or night. Beautiful addition to the family.

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Had an exhausting day.

Got up and didn’t weigh myself, but since then weighed myself with clothes and trainers on and I weighed what I did the other day, so in my head that means I’ve lost weight. Will weigh myself tomorrow morning and update. I’ve got 20lbs to loose till I get to my goal weight. Not too far off now, really need to put the extra effort in. 

I did a bit of cleaning and tidying. And spent time brushing the cats, I try and do it every week and they love it. Bless them. Had a move around in the front room and it looks better now. Definitely cleaner. 

Received a parcel and really pleased with it, it’s for my sister who’s about to give birth it’s a bag with some essentials in for the birth, hope she likes it, haven’t managed to give it her yet. Also done a list of everything she could need, hopefully it helps. 

Also harmed again. And actually got a feeling from it this time, I feel satisfied with what I’ve done. 

I tried to tip my vodka down the sink but I couldn’t. So it’s still in my cupboard but going to try not to drink it. 

Done a fair bit of exercise, and toning. I really want to start to love my body. Found a dress I want for my goal weight. 

Looking forward to bed, I’m looking forward to sleep. 

Hope you’ve all had a lovely day. XxX 

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Today I’m trying something new. 

I don’t normally take any pride in my appearance. But today I’m going to try to put some clean clothes on and make up.

This is a new thing for me. The motivation to do it is im hoping to have a photo with my sister who is pregnant today. I haven’t got a photo of us with the bump. I would like it for my own memories and she said she hasn’t got many photos with the bump and wants some. 

It’s starting to feel really real, there is going to be a new addition in to the family really soon, which will throw everything up in the air and I’m hoping we can land all together and it be the best thing that’s happened to us. I hope it brings us all closer together. I hope and pray that everything goes okay. I really love them so much and I hope everything goes as well as it can. 

I don’t usually see my family often, but I’m hoping this will give me a reason and opportunity to be part of the family. Although the likelihood is that I will be pushed out either further. 

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I know off my usual topics… what goes in a maternity bag for giving birth? 

I don’t really know what is needed in a bag to take in to hospital when you go in to labour. I’ve seen lots of on line pages, but want your opinion… what is a definite need? And what will be in the way? 

I’m not pregnant myself but I’m doing this for my sister, who is due in 35 days but has not packed a bag. So I’m helping her out. 

Thanks in advance. Happy for you to email me on

Best wishes. XxX