Category: Now

Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

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Celebrating a Year out of hospital nearly landed me a night in hospital

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date July 14, 2018
1 Comment on Celebrating a Year out of hospital nearly landed me a night in hospital

I was celebrating a year out of inpatient hospital stays, by visiting the beach but… I tripped over a wall nearly straight into the sea. My carer saved me by centre meters. But I’ve really hurt my foot. Photo I took of the sea.

Tags beach, beauty, brave, celebrating, God, help, hospital, hurt, i did it, love, Mental health, Mental health act, mental hospital, motivation, nature, photo, positive, protection, sea, seaside, Sectioned, support., thoughts, uk, waves

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I was brave.

Today I had to go to my local mental health hospital to collect medication. Normally I walk but today I have my car so I was able to drive there.

I did it.

I drove there, parked, got a ticket, walked in all on my own.

I can’t quite believe it.

Tags antipsychotic, antipsychotic medication, clozapine, clozaril, Emotionally unstable personality disorder, hospital, Medication, Mental health, mental hospital, mental illness, mentally ill, Personality disorder, pregabline, psychosis, psychotic, Schizophrenia

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Save me from this struggle.

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date February 26, 2018
No Comments on Save me from this struggle.

I’ve been struggling really bad the last few days. I’m not 100% sure why.

It could be because I stopped my diazepam cold turkey. I was only on 2mg and had been gradually going do any it was the last move with my medication.

The voices are taking control, I’m self harming more in a way to deal with them. I feel suicidal, and want to hide myself away. I’m hating who I . Im getting lack of sleep. Im very restless. And most of all I’m so anxious it’s stopping me from getting on with my day to day life.

I’ve called my community psychiatric nurse this morning but she was unable to talk so I’m waiting for a call back.

I don’t know what the solution is other than, come off the diazepam slower, or introduce another medication to help with the anxiety or voices.

Meds I’m currently on…

400 mg clozapine,
1.25 bisoprlol,
600mg pregabline.

Any advice from my lovely followers would be helpful. Xx

Stay safe and well, Rosie.

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Comfort food, why?

Why is it when I’m not looking forward to something or that, it all goes down to me eating too much sugar and fatty, take away foods.

Why? I’m trying to loose weight, why am I craving so much sugar?

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How I think my parents sees me being in the psychiatric hospital?

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date July 6, 2017
3 Comments on How I think my parents sees me being in the psychiatric hospital?

Today I’ve been in an acute psychiatric hospital for a week. I’ve been in this hospital and some others many times, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially when your parents don’t support you.

Today my dad sent me a text saying that all he wants for his birthday is for me to be out of hospital. Switch it round for a second if I had cancer like my sister did he wouldn’t want to rush me out of the hospital. So why is it so different in a mental hospital.

I’m in a psychiatric hospital not a prison and it’s not a punishment, I’m here to get better because I became more unwell. Where do you go when you feel unwell, to the doctors or hospital, that’s what’s happened to me.

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Day 4 of being sectioned.

Post author By rosiestar11
Post date July 3, 2017
No Comments on Day 4 of being sectioned.

My first few days started off okay was a few blips, but I felt with it okay.

On day two at night things came to much it all built up so much with the thoughts going around and around and the voices taking control that I could no longer control it. I harmed and the alarms were pulled, I did it four times, they had to literally drag me away from the wall. I hate myself for that choice. Since I’ve been put back on level 3 which is where you have no privacy and your followed everywhere, always a member of staff with you one to one.

Yesterday I spoke to my main nurse she was great and had a brilliant idea of when you get worked up go in to the garden and listen to music, shower etc, some good points which I had not thought about. I have no thoughts of harming I just want my medication to be better and then to get out. I want to do a skydive when I get out to make a statement that I want to live my life to the fullest.

I had my first shower last night, it felt amazing. I’m in clean clothes and I’m sat writing this post hoping they will get a doctor so my observations can be re thought about, I would like some privacy.

I need my medication to be sorted, there’s no point being here if they won’t even put me on the correct medication. I’m hoping by getting an advocate this will really help. My point just doesn’t seem to get listen too. Feeling a bit confused at what the point of me being here is if they don’t up my medication.
I miss my cats.

Tags Alcohol, alone, ana, anorexia, antipsychotic, antipsychotic medication, Anxiety, anxious, blood test, bmi, brave, calories, cat, Cats, Cpn, death, delusions, devil, diazepam, doctor, Doctors, eating disorder, Emotionally unstable personality disorder, eupd, exercise, exercize, family, fat, fitness, flashbacks, Food, goal weight, goals, God, gp, gym, hallucinations, Health, healthy, help, hospital, love, Medication, memories, mental, Mental health, Mental health act, mental hospital, mental illness, mentally ill, motivation, Nhs, nightmare, nightmares, Over weight, overdose, Overweight, panic, paranoid, Personality disorder, police, positive, pregabline, protection, psychiatrist, psychosis, psychotic, quetiapine, religion, safety, scared, scars, Schizophrenia, section 2, Sectioned, self harm, sleep, spying, suicidal, support., Therapy, thoughts, trigger warning, Voices, Weight, weight gain, weight loss, weightloss

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Cpn today’s appointment.

My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital.

I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.

Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control.

I’m not really sure what my plan is from here.

The voices have been so bad, I can control them.

I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?!