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I’ve self harmed for years, every scar has a story and meaning. They are evidence of surviving and my life. I had this tattoo designed by scratch, the flame symbolising my brother who’s not here, and all three of my sisters chose a flower. So my arm has been changed from showing my scars and story to the love of my family

Tattoo covering my scars up.

First pic my scars… second the design…the finished tattoo.

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I felt you kick.

I remember back 14 years ago feeling you kick from inside out mums womb.

I never had any idea you would die soon after.

I feel very responsible it your death, just if I hadn’t cause mum the stress you may be here with us, getting ready for Christmas.

After mum having four girls we were so excited to have you as our brother.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.

Sleep tight little one.

I wish I had held you, given you a great big hug, so you knew how loved you are.

I visit your resting place often, and I always want to come and join you in heaven.

I remember the day you were born, seeing my mum crouched in the corner, shouting that I had killed you, her son.

I love you. I’m sorry,


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How can you miss someone you never met?

I never got the pleasure of meeting my brother. He died in a miss carriage.

I often wonder what he would look like.

I visit your grave often, but it doesn’t stop me wishing you were here.

I wish I’d never had that sleep over, you might still be here.

When I meet you in heaven I’ve got things I want to say to you, my main word would be sorry. And give you a massive hug.

I look forward to the day I’m finally reunited with you. 💙💫

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The difference I feel that I’ve got a niece and not a nephew? 

I’ve had a lot of upset with baby boys in my life. I think the fact my sister has had a baby girl really impacts on how I feel about the whole situation. 

I haven’t held a baby boy since my brother died. It’s a big thing, it was 13 years ago. I’ve found it very difficult to be around baby boys.

When I heard it was a girl my tears that I was going to cry back tracked in to my body and they joy came out. 

I’m so so happy for her. She is beautiful and hopefully today I get to have a lovely cuddle with her.

If it was a boy I think I would be wanting to harm, probably still crying and not wanting to see the baby later today. 

I hope this doesn’t come across as being rude or ungrateful but it’s just had such an in pact my brother dying. 

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It’s a little girl. 

My sister had a very quick labour, she gave birth around 3pm, I’ve seen pictures and my niece is absolutely beautiful. I’m so proud of my sister. 
I can’t wait to meet my niece. They are hopefully allowed home tomorrow, if everything is okay over night. 

If you ever see this post to my amazing sister, I’m so proud of you. Your going to be a great mum, I’m here day or night. Beautiful addition to the family.

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Sister in labour 

My sister is in labour she has gone to my parents house, and turned her phone on silent. I feel really left out, I want to be there holding her hand but she doesn’t want me there, plus I think something is going to go wrong. 

I feel left out but in reality I need to not think about me. I just feel that my mum is taking control, as she texted me basically telling me to leave them alone. 

I really hope all goes well. 

Fingers crossed. X 

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One week until my sisters baby is due.

I’m feel I should be scared or anxious, but I actually don’t feel anything at all. 

I hope it all goes okay, and they are both healthy and well. 

I wish her all the best. I love her loads and I’m really proud of her.

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Old gp, compared to new gp? 

I’ve been very lucky with all of my gps/doctors. 

We had a family gp at a doctors surgery near where we use to live. We all saw the same gp and she was really good and understanding. I remember her diagnosing me with anorexia, I was so relieved to hear her say the words your dangerously underweight. I saw myself as fat so this was brilliant to hear for me but my mum broke down in tears, there was so much emotion in that room. I saw the same gp for years and years. I would go on my own and with parents.

One thing is that I’ve always gone to the doctors at many different times, most of the time I probably didn’t need to go but I have a really good relationship with them. 

I haven’t seen my current gp for a while, and I’m doing this on purpose. I know if I go to see my current gp he will probably notice my weight gain and my hb levels and then it could take a turn of where I need to go to hospital so I’m staying well away. 

I really do appreciate the NHS and the doctors that work so hard. 

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Felt my niece or nephew move inside my sister womb.

It’s was a very special experience. I’m really looking forward to meeting it. I love it with all my heart already. 

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Had an exhausting day.

Got up and didn’t weigh myself, but since then weighed myself with clothes and trainers on and I weighed what I did the other day, so in my head that means I’ve lost weight. Will weigh myself tomorrow morning and update. I’ve got 20lbs to loose till I get to my goal weight. Not too far off now, really need to put the extra effort in. 

I did a bit of cleaning and tidying. And spent time brushing the cats, I try and do it every week and they love it. Bless them. Had a move around in the front room and it looks better now. Definitely cleaner. 

Received a parcel and really pleased with it, it’s for my sister who’s about to give birth it’s a bag with some essentials in for the birth, hope she likes it, haven’t managed to give it her yet. Also done a list of everything she could need, hopefully it helps. 

Also harmed again. And actually got a feeling from it this time, I feel satisfied with what I’ve done. 

I tried to tip my vodka down the sink but I couldn’t. So it’s still in my cupboard but going to try not to drink it. 

Done a fair bit of exercise, and toning. I really want to start to love my body. Found a dress I want for my goal weight. 

Looking forward to bed, I’m looking forward to sleep. 

Hope you’ve all had a lovely day. XxX