Category: scared

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Discharged off my section. But the hard work is still to come.

The truth of what’s been going on…

So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.

Things got bad real quick.

I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.

I was then sectioned which was horrible.

I hated every second of it.

I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.

It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.

They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.

Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.

I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.

I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.

I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.

Surely it has to get better from here?

This is what I keep reading at the moment.

The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.

Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!

But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.

I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?

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I want to help you?

Email me at rosiestar11@yahoo.co.uk

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Trying to deal with the memories of trauma!

⚠️ trigger warning ⚠️

Honestly I’m struggling so much.

Im not really sure how to deal with this, I harmed myself yesterday and feel really poorly today.

I hardly slept.

I’m trying to resist the urges to harm again. Especially as I’m in a car right now as a passenger but we’re moving! I need to control my thoughts and voices!

My heart hurts, my brain hurts, my body hurts! Physically and emotionally!

I’m struggling!

Just taken some prn diazepam. Hoping this will help!

It’s my last hope!

😢

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Then she broke.

I thought I could hold on to this positivity.

But

I can’t!

I’m struggling so much, so many thing finally broke me and I don’t feel I can take any more!

I’m sorry for the negative post but I guess that’s mental illness for you.

Anything can happen and so many emotional changes!

Mental illness is a struggle.

Self soothe box it is.

Rose bath bomb.
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First haloperidol medication!

I feel so anxious, I think from reading everything that people have said about it!

I think it’s been ok so far it’s been an hour!

I’m scared!

Will it be ok?

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Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

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Mental health tribunal!

I’m so scared!

Has anyone been through one? What’s it like?

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Ward round update.

I got two hours escorted leave if I take the medication (quetiapine) .

I will take it but I won’t keep it in me. I’m not going to be poisoned by them and be rewarded like a dog!

I’ve got my tribunal next week! They could discharge me!

And if not

I have my managers hearing on the 6th November.

My section is due to end on the 10th November.

I just want to go home.

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Update… sectioned!

Sorry for lack of updates and the long post!

I’ve been sectioned on section 2 of the mental health act.

I’m not 100% sure why other than refusing antipsychotic medications!

Since being in this psychiatric hospital on a locked ward I’ve escaped twice and needed escorted to a & e by two members of staff due to concussion!

Day one I was in seclusion with a rip proof dress and blanket, NOTHING ELSE! I was stripped naked in front of lots of staff restraining me! I was in seclusion because I was upset and angry about being in hospital. I was there for over 5 hours in a locked room! IT WAS HORRIBLE!

I only managed to get out if I accepted to take Olanzapine and my other night medications. They said if I didn’t take it I would be injected! So I took it.

I was then showed to my room, EVERYTHING searched! I will admit they were useless I’ve got things I wouldn’t allow a patient to have, but I’ve been strong and not used them yet!

I then threw up the medication on purpose but I don’t think I got it all because I started getting really sleepy and dizzy! I started walking around the ward shouting I want the antidote! I then fell asleep.

When I woke there was spyders everywhere, I was terrified! I don’t know which ones were real. There was one in the light which I think I’ve already posted a photo of!

I don’t remember much about the first week, I know I was scared. I was throwing up the medication, refusing to eat and drink anything that wasn’t sealed and brought in from outside the hospital!

Currently I’m taking all the medication that is prescribed and I’m eating and drinking from sealed drinks and foods.

In the first week I’ve been restrained a number of times, from escaping from the first door and hurting myself due to the voices being too overwhelming. They kept threatening to inject me but thankfully they haven’t!

I am Appealing my section and I’ve met a solicitor.

Care plan is interesting as since I’ve read it it says diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia but earlier in the week I was told I no longer have a psychotic illness, so I’m not really sure what’s going on or whats wrong with me, if anything!

The Voices have been pretty bad. I’m struggling to cope with them, but I’m using prn (lorazepam) and writing all the time. I’ve always got music playing!

Visions are starting me in not sure what is real or not.

Spying feels like it’s got worse probably due to the fact the hospital I’m in I think we’re and are the ones spying on me.

I will try to keep updating regularly.

Hope your all ok! Xxxx

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I was sectioned!

They came to my place. We had a chat I was drunk, I listened to the voices and their plan worked.

They let me stay at home!

But I got told I would be assessed again because I’m so unwell from my cousin!

I believed him so I tried to jump out of my window! So that I can damage myself and run away so I can’t be tortured.

The police came they said she wasn’t sectioned she has capacity and left.

The mental health team were then called back and said an ambulance in on its way and she is now sectioned.

They showed up and I tried to do a runner but got caught both times. But one was before I got to hospital and one walking in.

I got restrained, and put in seclusion. I was stripped naked with everyone watching.

Given a dress and blanket both rip proof.

And left there for 7 and a half hours on my own in a locked room!

Then they agreed if I took the meds I could leave the room.Olanzapine, zopicone and pregabline.

I didn’t want to take olanzapine the antipsychotic but they said the would inject me and I would stay in the cell all night.

So I agreed and went to my room and swiftly threw up!

I now have no olanzapine in me and I’m out of the room!

They said I was aggressive and abusive and possibly hurt someone!

I don’t remember I don’t even remember my cousin leaving! I miss him so much but it must have been horrible to see what they did!