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Words hurt.

When people say words hurt, there right. The words that were and weren’t the said is killing me, did you know you were powerful enough to make me want to die. I’ve always loved you, and done the best to show you that I love and care for you. 

It’s has a big effect on me when I’m blocked from you, your my family, I want to be in contact with you, but it kills me knowing that you don’t want anything to do with me online. 

I really hope you change your mind and I can be the big sister I want to be, I’m sorry I’m not a very good role model. I wish I could be, but who would look up to a sister who’s tried to kill herself more times than she can remember, who wants to look up to a sister who struggles to leave the flat and tell between what’s real and not real. I wish I could be the big sister I want to be but, it’s so tough and my illnesses make it a lot harder to be the sister I want to be. Please let me try again at being your big sister. I love you. Xxx

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Hello March. 

Last month was a very mixed month. There were some good things and achievements, but also I felt at my lowest for some days. 

This month I’m going to try my best to loose weight. I don’t think I e been trying enough. I’m also going to try and not let things hold me back. I want to see my family more, and make sure my sisters know I’m here for them.

Hopefully this month my medication would have changed and by the end of the month, things will be looking much brighter. 

I guess some personal goals I would like to set is to work on my story, and try and blog more. 

It’s day 3 of march and I’ve done really well with the steps and food I’ve been eating. I hope this can continue. I’m determined to make this work. I’m also going to attempt to, drive more, go to the gym and see my family more. These are really important to me. So I need to put plans in place to ensure they happen. 

I’m going to take the correct medication only. It will be a struggle but it will be so worth it, it will mean I feel better and more alert, which will mean I can drive, and therefor go and see my family. This will also mean I’m more motivated and aware so I can go to the gym, which will mean I’m burning calories and loosing weight. I’m going to try this whole month with out harming. I know i can do it. 

I hope you all have a lovely month. 

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Family? 

I texted them all today, saying I loved them. Only dad replied but wanted to know if everything was okay as I don’t normally just text that. I lied and said all was okay.

So they all think I’m okay. My sister has completely blocked me on everything, which has hit me hard. Mum said it’s my fault as I put on Facebook about having to go to hospital. And she isn’t old enough for things like that, by the way she is 16 years old. My sister told me the other day she was talking to a friend who wanted to kill them selves so how can she deal with that but not deal with me saying I was in hospital. It’s just there excuse. To cover up the real reason that they don’t want me in their life! 

I’ve deactivated my Facebook. I will escape everything in there. I rang there home phone about 30 minutes ago and the sister that’s blocked me answered, I asked her a few questions I either got silence or an answer I didn’t want to hear. So from that I decided that actually I don’t get included in anything to do with them as a family, no one really cares or knows whether I’m alive unless I text them first. So I’ve texted mum saying I no long want to be hurt and left out so I’m taking the step to remove myself from my family. It’s the only way I can see things being able to cope. 

Things aren’t great and I hate everything about myself. 

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More bad news. 

So after my mum saying I couldn’t watch my youngest sister first go karting session. Which up set me enough.

The next sister up blocked me on Facebook again, this time because I put that I went to hospital. So that’s made me feel upset, so I deactivated my account. I think I did it to kinda get back at her and others. Especially as she has now sent me a text which it looks like she has had a lot of help to write from mum and probably my next sister up. 

I feel I can’t do anything right, I want to spend time with them and support them but they don’t give me the opportunitys too, but then moan at me for not.

I don’t think have a clue what I go through each day, they are only able to think of them selves which does hurt me. 

I feel like the sister down from me who’s two years younger, ismums perfect child, she is married, baby on the way, and lets mum still control her life. She is always Over our parents house, but that’s her personal choice. I put this sister through a lot and I feel so guilty about this. She was there crying every time I harmed or overdosed, what kind of a big sister does that make me. I really hope she knows I’m sorry. 

I love them all so much, and wish I was a part of there lives more than I am, but reality, I’m not. 

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Living alone with support.

I live alone but rely on a lot of support and help from my carer and (even though I don’t want to admit it,) my care team. 

My carer goes to work and I’m able to call and text anytime I need, which is really helpful with out this my anxiety would be so high and I probably wouldn’t cope. I count down to the hours of when my carer will come and help me. I look forward to the knock on the door. It’s a massive relief. I put a lot of reliance on them. My carer then listens to my day and what I’ve got up too. Then helps me cook dinner, when I say helps me, basically does it for me. If my carer wasn’t here I probably wouldn’t eat and take medication. I look forward to seeing my carer and it’s the highlight of my day. 

So living alone is scary and I know I wouldn’t be able to cope without my carer. I wouldn’t know what to do, when or what to organise or sort anything out. But I am greatful I live alone, I really do love my family but it was too stressful to live with them, especially with the anorexia, suicide attempts and self harm. 

I say I live alone but I have three cats, these are so important to me. I would be terrified without them. They bring me great comfort and love. It makes me feel responsible for feeding and looking after them, which makes me feel more like a normal 24 year old. 

My care team and carer, work together to support me to keep me in the community and to be able to live alone. 

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Dear younger me.

Long post warning.

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, alcohol, mental illness, eating disorder, medication, voices, assault, hospitalised, sectioned, diagnosis, blood, injections, blood transfusions, voices, delusions, alone, anxiety, deaths, funerals, cancer.

I’ve decided to write a letter to myself when I was younger. I think it is important to look back on that past and see what I would have changed and what I would have said if I was able to talk to my younger self. This is important as I can learn from what has happened, and it is helpful because I know things now, which I wouldn’t have known when I was younger. 

Dear younger self, 

You will be okay, you will go through some really difficult things and may want to not live, but you will pull through. In the future you will struggle and get scared, and these feelings are valid.

I need you to remember this, don’t ever get a blade and drag in across your skin, your body isn’t here to be cut, and destroyed. You will regret it. There are other ways to cope with feelings. Imagine your body is covered in scars especially your arms, and you can’t even wear a short sleeve top in front of your own family. Or go to work with a short sleeve top on, how that will impact how you feel and what you can wear. Don’t ever self harm, you will put your life in danger and you don’t want that. If you start to harm, you will end up having blood transfusion after blood transfusion, hospital visits, getting sectioned, and your body not being able to repair itself quick enough and you being on even more medication. It’s not worth it. You will self harm in many different ways and they are all as dangerous as each other, there is no safe self harm. If you start self hamming you will find it so difficult to stop and it will be come a way you use to cope but there are much better ways to deal with what is going on in your life.

Don’t worry about eating in front of people, don’t worry about having a treat, don’t worry about your weight. You may loose and gain weight but it is not the end of the world. That’s life. You should eat healthily and drink water, your body is for life so treat it with respect. Don’t put weight loss goals on your body with time limits, it’s a life long project and there is no rush. Just try to be as healthy as you can. Learn to look after yourself and love yourself. 

You will experiment with alcohol, but trust me it is not worth it. It will impair your thinking, and change your behaviour. It is easy for me to say don’t use it to cope with life problems, and self medicate but in reality you will need to learn from your mistakes. Alcohol isn’t healthy, and will make you feel rubbish, be so dizzy you can’t see your hands, be sick everywhere, and make you put on loads of weight. I know I said not to worry about your weight but if you drink too much and put a lot of weight on it will impact your health and make you feel bad. If I told you that you will drink alcohol as soon as you get up just to cope with things in your life, and it may make you do things you wouldn’t normally do, and things you will regret for life. Make your choice now before you get blinded by the effects of alcohol.

Life will be really difficult and you will have to take medication for illnesses and problems you will go through. This is not a sign of weakness, actually the thought that you are willing to take medication to help you, that’s brave and very sensible. Don’t use and abuse medication, take it how you are supposed to and don’t forget to take it. You may be on medication for the rest of your life to help deal with the voices and problems you have when you don’t take medication. You can do it, you are brave. People take medication for so many different reasons, it doesn’t matter why you will take medication, just know that the doctors know what they are doing and giving you. You may begin to question why you are taking medication and think it will harm or poison you, but doctors would loose their job if they were doing that. I know you may not always think rationally but that is why I am writing this. Don’t overdose on medication, it is not good for you, you will be very ill and could die. I know you may feel like you want to die at times but try to challenge this thought and do your best to think about a good future.

I know you may be scared but you will end up in hospital many times, in a mental hospital and a medical hospital. Don’t be afraid, it is probably the best thing while you don’t feel well and you will be safe. You will be sectioned and you will choose to go in voluntarily. You will feel very lonely and scared, but you will pull through. You will have an operation and you will be very scared, and your blood hemaglobin will go down to 4.4 and you will be very ill, you will be sectioned and then made to have a blood transfusion. This will be the first of many and it wont get easier. You will be scared of the thought that someone else’s blood is going in to your body and you will believe you don’t deserve it, but you do. Without it you would die, and although it was through your own actions as to why your blood level got so low this doesn’t meant that you don’t deserve the transfusions. You will also have many iron infusions and be on a lot of medication. You will also be injected with anti psychotic medication and threatened with ECT because you will refuse to eat and drink for days, but you need to try and focus on the positives and the thought that you will live to see age 24.

There will be many arguments in your life, but they are not the end of the world, you need to try and not let them get to you. It’s important that you are able to learn from them and not let it get you down. I would like you not to take it to heart. It’s normal for sisters to argue, and you need to remember they are learning as they grow up too.They may make mistakes just like you. It’s okay to make mistakes, but just remember, you need to learn from them and make changes in life. 

I know you have probably heard some voices already and I know you must be scared and I wish I could say it will get better but it won’t. The voices will control your thoughts and how you feel. You will be put on medication to try and help with them, it might help a bit but you need to find other ways to cope and deal with them. They will tell you to harm yourself and carry out tasks, and i know you will believe you have to do them. That is okay but you need to try and challenge them. You cannot let them control things you do, for example, they will tell you to harm, but you will need to do the best thing and not to do what they say. You have your own mind and I’m telling you it is okay to think for yourself. I know what it is like and I know it is hard, but you need to believe in yourself and have faith that you can do things right. The voices may scare you and be horrible to you, don’t let that hold you back. It will be difficult when they are telling you to do things, mainly harming, especially when they tell you bad things will happen if you don’t do what they are saying, but try and remember that they can’t do anything, you’re in control, they are in your head, they have no powers. I know this will be really hard and it will be difficult to think like this when they are strong. God will talk to you, but it’s a really positive voice. He will help you and giude you through some tough times. Best thing is don’t be afraid. Try not to let the voices wind you up, they will get too much and stop you from sleeping some times. They will also pick on you when you are feeling most vulnerable. Don’t be ashamed about your voices. It doesn’t make you a weak person, actually you are really strong to deal with this and carry on living. You will talk to them out loud and this may scare the people around you and you will learn to talk to them in your head, but this isn’t as effective. Also don’t get angry at them and swear at them this makes them worse and they know how to get on your neves if you do this, try not to show them how they make you feel.

This is a really difficult thing to talk about, as I know whatever I am writing and telling you right now will be reallly hard to remember or even think about when you are thinking of delusions. You will believe things that other people will say aren’t true. This will be really difficult as you trust the people that are telling you the things you believe aren’t true but you believe it really strongly with all your heart. People will try and prove to you that the thoughts you are having are delusions and it’s part of your illness. You will believe that people are spying on you, and that your care team are trying to get your DNA. You will also believe that your mum is trying to poison you but these beliefs will be challenged. I know this will be confusing and I will tell you a little secret, I’m finding it really difficult to talk to you about it now even though I have lived with these feelings for a long time, and I still find it really tough to talk about. I still find it difficult to tell what is real and not, especially when you trust the people that are telling you it’s true and equally trust the people telling you it’s not true. I try to think about it but it’s so difficult. Try not to get hung up about what you believe. It will take over your life and you will be afraid to leave your home alone, you will be extremely anxious and not trust people but you need to try to not let your anxiety take control.

You will have some bad experiences in your life, but right now I want to give you some tips which will mean you will be more in control. Don’t let alcohol change your judgement, don’t think the best in everyone, people may have other ideas and may take advantage. Don’t let him in, don’t get involved with him, he is a horrible man, who will hurt you, which will stay with you for life and change how you feel about people. It will mean you have nightmares, flashbacks, and feel physically sick, You will feel hurt and scared. I would like to say things will get better but at the moment I haven’t seen any evidence of that. I hate him so much, but I also hate myself because I let him in and I wasn’t strong enough to take him to court, if he hurts anyone else, I will never forgive myself. Ishould have been stronger. The main bit of advice I want to give you right now is don’t trust him or let him in.

Family is important to you although you don’t think that they love you or care about you. You try your best not to tell them how you are and about your life. There may be many arguments and things you get left out of, but you need to try and keep your prospective on them and your life. They will be there when you need them to be and they do love you. They just find it difficult to show love in the way you want them to and how you expect them too. There will be times where they leave you out and there will also be times when they show you so much love that you aren’t sure how to deal with it. You will take many overdoses and this will be hard for you but even harder for your family. When they find you unconscious in your own sick, and you have seizures in front of one of your younger sister, imagine how your sister and parents will feel. It will traumatise them for life. You love them and I need you to think about how your actions may effect others.

You don’t really have many friends but that isn’t important to you. You have a few special ones and they mean the world to you. Don’t take them for graunted they wont always be there, but you need to be there for them. They will go through difficult times and be ther for you and you have to do the same for them. 

Don’t get hung up about diagnosis you will be given. They are not important. They don’t mean you’re a bad person, it is just an illness, you can learnt to cope with it and take medication which will help. Don’t get the idea that the diagnosis will change your life, it’s just a label and labels aren’t meant for people they are meant for food and clothes. 

You will need to change your expectations about your life and family. You will grow up thinking about having children young in life and you will be the first of you sisters to be married and have children but that is not the case. You need to think about this as you should be happy for your sisters and not focus on your own life. Don’t get so drunk at your sisters wedding that your sister who has got married has to catch you from falling down the stairs, and you won’t remember a thing. It isn’t fair to do that to her. I know you will be upset and emotional as you may feel like you are losing your sister but in reality she is growing up and you will become a lot closer. Your sister will also be pregnant before you, and you will remember the day she told you. You were so upset and you believed your life was over, but it is the beginning of a new story. You will be able to love and support your whole family, you will all grow closer than you have ever been before and it will be such and important thing for you and them.

There will be many traumatic events in your life, you sister will have cancer at only 2 years old, she will fight it and will win. Your brother will also die and you don’t go to his funeral as your still young yourself but you will regret this for life. I know it might be scary but you will regret not going more than going. You will go to your nan’s funeral and you will be terrified as it is your first but you will be okay and nan will be there looking over you and after you. Nan loves you, all your family tell you that a lot, and you will have some really special memeroies with her, and you get to say good bye at her hospital bed just before she dies, she knows you love and care for her. 

At age 23 you will go through 20 sessions of therapy with the NHS and you will learn a lot about yourself and your family. You wont always look forward to going but you will get so much out of the sessions. You will also start private therapy when you are 24 and so far you’ve only had a few sessions but they are helping already. Things will be better if you talk about things your going through and your past. You will have some not good experiences with your mental health care team and your GP but as of today things are going well you have a really good community psychiatric nurse, support worker, psychiatrist and a brilliant GP. They all support you so well and although you will sometimes push them away, it is important to try and remember that they want what is best for you and are there for you when you need help and support. 

You have always been an anxious person and your anxiety with grow with your age. A lot of your family and friends know you are anxious and can see it. You will be put on medication to help with your anxiety and you may find at times there are moments of relief. You will decide to stop taking it many times but in the back of your head you know you need it. You try to stop it and replace it by other ways of coping. You are so anxious that you are unable to leave your home alone and that you aren’t able to go in to shops on your own. But you will keep working on this, you will get there. 

Don’t be afraid you will get through this. Stay strong.

You are strong and will have to deal with so much but you will pull through. 

Love yourself. XxX

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I need to vent.

Don’t you just hate it when someone only thinks of them selves, it’s even worse when it’s your mum!

 I really wanted to go and see my sister in her first time in a go kart today but she told me yesterday that she wouldn’t be in the kart. So I accepted that, but now I just text mum to see how it’s going, and she did go in the go kart. I missed her first time, because of my mum wanting control, and to push me out. I love her, but she mainly thinks about herself. 

Everyone thinks she is amazing and will do anything for anyone but it’s so wrong, they don’t see the truth and that is because she hides it from them. She never comments on anything I put on social media but likes and comments on all my friends post… why? I know she loves them more than, she will ever love me. Like I said in a previous post I’m the trial child. 

I’m really angry and upset. She seriously can not push me out of this family any more. I bet none of them even think of me as family because of how things have been made to be. 

It’s purely selfish. I’m having a vent on here because I know otherwise I will write a Facebook status aimed at her and create a massive argument, that’s the problem I just have to accept her horrible behaviour and how she makes me feel, because she has the power and ability to make things so much harder. 

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Snow on my car. 


My car, this photo was taken yesterday. I’m in the uk and this is thevamount of snow we had. Not alot at all. 

I remember when my sisters and I were kids we use to go sledging and have fun in the snow. I remember throwing snowballs and our dog fudge would run after them. I miss him so much. 

I remember the first time it snowed for my younger sister, and she was around 1 1/2 years old and she hated the feel under her feet, she would want to be cuddled the whole time. We used to all go out as a family. And then we would come back in to the House and stand by the fire. I miss these times. When I was a kid I wanted to be a grown up and now I’m classed as an adult I wish I was back to being a kid.