I thought it was going to be a lot easier than I’ve actually found it.
I’ve been very lonely and started to use old coping mechanisms.
Today is the first day I’ve felt in control.
So I’ve worked through my todo list, and now I’m having a bath, and listening to my favourite songs.
I’m starting to look after my appearance.
My job has moved a lot further, both references are done and the occupational health assessment has been done. I’m waiting for the report of that to come back and then a start date.
I’m scared in case it doesn’t happen and go through because of my mental health but I feel 100% ready to do this job.
I’ve seen my family this week, which I will admit has been pretty stressful, but it was still nice to see them.
I’ve been the the animal therapy farm and had a cuddle with a ducklings. I had an amazing time.
I’ve started to work on loosing weight and getting healthy.
It’s been so lovely seeing and BBC spending time with my cats.
So overall I think things are going ok and I can’t wait to start living not just surviving!
There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.
Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.
It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.
I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.
I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.
I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!
Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.
My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.
On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.
The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.
So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.
It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.
I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.
Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.
Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.
I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.
The next day I was put in section 2
I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.
I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.
I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.
I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.
I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.
I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.
I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.
I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.
I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.
I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.
I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.
I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.
Will I ever get out of here unharmed?
I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.
It’s started ok until I voiced how much I was struggling and what with.
It ended with us discussing discharge from the adult mental health team service.
Which isn’t helpful considering I called them all week asking for some help and support with struggling and because they aren’t sure how to help we end up with discharge being the option.
I’m struggling to accept the concept that I was asking for help and then it end up with discharge.
I guess maybe it’s for the best but then, I received a text from my new care co-ordinator saying
“So sorry that you found our conversation difficult and you need to talk you can contact us.”
I’m so confused!!! I thought I was being discharged, now I contact them if I need them!
Which one is it?
I don’t know what to do next, should I message back asking what is happening is it discharge or can they help or do just leave it as I have been told I’m getting discharged.
I mean I think it might be the best thing they aren’t able to help in the way I’d find helpful, by changing my medication or adding in a prn that helps.
So maybe I’m meant to end my life, this is just another sign it’s the right thing to do. Only problem is I know I can’t die. (My body won’t die) but it’s worth a try right?
It’s Monday again, if you think about it we are lucky to be here it’s a blessing another chance to start over, another chance to make a change and another chance to make a difference!
I hope you all have a fantastic week and stay safe and well!
I’m going to try and remain positive in such an uncertain world. 🌍
Here is a update about what’s been happening recently!
Weight- I had gained weight but I’ve now lost some again. I worked I’ve lost 10lbs in 38 days but overnight lost another 1lb so it’s -11 lbs in 40 days!
Animal therapy- is going ok. I hadn’t been for a few sessions due to my mental health getting bad but I’m hoping it is starting to stabilise a bit.
Steps- I’ve been doing at least 10,000 steps a day but some days over 20,000 steps!
Plan to get back on track with slimming world. I’m not planning on going to the meetings until it’s the one before my last one. I really want to get my 1 stone loss award!
Bath/self care- has been a little better. I seem to be trying more.
Things that have been going wrong and struggling with…
Saw a man standing on the top of a bus when I was with my sister but it turns out that I was just imagining it!
Struggling with disordered eating thoughts,
The voices are bad on and off,
Having more nightmares,
Having more highs and lows,
Struggling to stick with any direction in life that I’m choosing,
Struggling to accept the weight I’ve lost is good enough.
Things that are going right or that I’m enjoying…
Trying to understand myself better, thinking about things I’m struggling with,
I enjoy spending time with my cats and waking up with all three of them on me,
I’m enjoying trying to start thinking about a career,
Starting yoga and creative writing, with Mind mental health,
Going to animal therapy and cuddling the goats,
My WeightLoss is going ok.
I’m getting braver and I’m trying at life! I’ve got this! (I hope.)
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 