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Spiders and being spyed on!

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For a long time now i have had a fear of spiders spying on me and taking this knowledge and evidence to a head quarters as they are after my body because it repairs its self too well. my body is impossible of dying. This has gone on for as long as i can remember, when i see the spiders they dont always look like normal spiders, they sort of have a robotic look a like to them. i think the man i see and the spiders are working together so i have to be careful not to leave any DNA left around or any of my thoughts and ideas. I have thoughts and ideas about how to get rid of them but i know the man can hear them so its not going to well. I hate seeing spiders because i know as soon as i see one they are taking data about how i act and behave, as they want to make me a clone, as im invincible. 

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My Lack Of Motivation…

I find motivation a very hard thing to deal with. Most days i dont have any motivation to even get out of bed let alone change clothes or wash or clean my teeth. I find these normal everyday things really difficult to do. I have been in these clothes for the last four days and nights and still have no motivation to change them. And i dont know why. I dont understand why i do what i do and dont do what i dont do. Most days i just stay in bed not sleeping or doing anything just laying in bed. I try to meet up with past friends and do the shopping on-line but i just cant do it. I will make arrangements to meet up with friends and then cancel at the last minute because of my anxiety. I also have to do almost all my shopping on-line because im too scared to go to shops.

I make lists to encourage myself to do something but most of the time it just sits there unable to do any of them. I only just about mange to get up for my appointments and luckily i dont have to leave the flat for them as they come to me.

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Self harm. MAY BE TRIGGERING!!

 

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I have self harmed from around the age of 13. I self harm in many different ways,

I self harm by:

Not eating and drinking,

Cutting,

Hitting myself with or without a hammer,

Draining my blood,

Banging my head,

drinking lots of alcohol,

overdose.

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I hear Voices…

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I look like a half normal 22 year old but what you would know is that i hear voices. They are usually bad and horrible to me but i start to miss them when the medication starts to work and takes them away and dulls them. I usually listen to their advice and its usually bad advice for example hurting my self or attempting suicide. I hear six voices both male and female, there is one who is more dominant than the others and she is the meanest. I hear a lot of your fat, your ugly, poisoned food dont touch, they spying on you, they hate you, there laughing at you. people are going to think you are stupid writing this. I hear them most of the time. I do get distracted when people are talking to me or im in a crowded places as i get confused as to who is saying what. at the moment they are pretty relaxed and not to hurtful to me. But they are still here. I think i would be lost if the voices went completely, i sort of see them as my friends as they look out for me, with being poisoned and stuff like that. But on the other hand when im walking along a path and they tell me to jump in front of the car its hard to resist.I do try to understand that others cant hear them but i find that hard to believe most of the time, i believe people can hear my thoughts and the voices coming out of my ears and everyone who says they cant is clearly lying to me.

I used to see this girl who was about 6 years old wearing a Victorian style dress and she used to talk to me in a soft voice asking for help, where as other times she would be screaming so loud asking for my help it was hard to ignore her. i didnt know how to help her or what i should do but on occasions she asked me to cut to let the voices free, i did cut but the voices werent freed.

Now a days i see this man, he talks to me just like anyone else talks to me. he is mainly in my life when i am anxious and scared and helps me out of those situations normally from harming. Most people dont know that i see this man and the only way i know he is no longer real is that he gets in my flat with the door locked and no one else sees him. He scares me some times as im not fully sure what he is capable of but i try to be the one to stay in control.

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Being Sectioned under section 2 and 136

I have been sectioned loads of times under section 2 which is for a month at a time. My first ever admission was under a section 2 and i was in hospital just over a month this was very close after my 18th birthday. It was very scary you werent allowed phones and i was missing out on loads of school. When i did eventually go back to school i couldnt catch up with all the work i had missed so i left and re did my ALevel in college a few years later. At this time i was still living with my parents and sisters but soon after i moved out in to my own bedsit. It was a very bad place but at least i had my own space. This left more time to stop eating and start harming more as there was no one to stop me. I did have some very good care workers and they tried there best to help me but how can you help some one who doesnt want the help. I realise now nearly ages 23 that i do want the help and i do want to get better and stop having these unplanned hospital admissions but i know it is going to be a long road. I dont really remember much about being sectioned other than yu had no rights to leave the hospital unless the psychiatrist and the doctors agreed you could have escorted leave which was either with a family member or staff.

I have been sectioned under section 136 by the police numerous amounts of time as well which is really humiliating although i didnt need to be handcuffed which is a bonus, i suppose. The police can section you under 136 which is where they can take you to a place of safety against your will. I did try running on many occasions but they were a lot faster than me. The last time i was sectioned under a 136 was when i had just been assaulted in my own flat and i took a blade to my neck, luckily i wasnt alone and had a family member with me who stopped me a called my care worker who then called the police. But we didnt know she had called the police and had just left to go for a drive so they ended up smashing my door down. Which i was so angry about. and then i was taken to local hospital once again and then i stayed in involuntarily until i felt better and had got over the shock of what had happened.

I have also been in hospital many times under my own judgement. Which is involuntarily. This is a lot better as you can leave for walks and home visits if the nurses see your not a danger to your self. I have learnt over the years this is the best way to be put in hospital as you get more privileges they cant force you to have medication or eat. also it seems that you get out of hospital a lot quicker if you have chosen to go in to hospital. sometimes i have only been there a day or two. although them admissions of days dont help in any way i get what i want by being at home.

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Blood transfusions and iron infusions.

IMG_0979 IMG_6105 IMG_6106 IMG_8516 IMG_8517 IMG_8518Think i have had four separate blood transfusions with in one year and the last one was 5 months ago, which is a record for me at the moment. Although my blood level has dropped to 10.4 again hopefully it wont go below 7 as that is when a blood transfusion is considered as you are considered anaemic enough. I remember my  first blood transfusion it was terrifying i had just been admitted to the psychiatric hospital when my haemoglobin eg: HB level was at 4.4. i was dying basically. And i loved the thought that i was dying but not the thought that i was in hospital and feeling so weak. i couldnt walk or stand up with out fainting, which was scary. I remember i was there one night and then deemed to physically unwell to stay on the ward so i was taken to the nearest hospital. Where i stayed always with one member of staff as i was under a section. section 2. Then i was moved to a bed and i refused the blood transfusion for hours, and then they said that they would force me to have it, at this point i gave up fighting and accepted the blood transfusion i think i had about 4 units of blood, which was a lot, and i can remember how much better i felt just after one bag of blood, i could think and the pains i was having had gone. I was getting better and i hated it but i knew it was my only option at that time. I dont really remember the other blood transfusions all i can remember is that some of them i chose to have due to how unwell i was and others i was sectioned and being forced to have one. But like i said at the top i havent had a blood transfusion in five months at the moment and that is a record for me. Although my blood is slowly dropping again im hoping to stay out of hospital. I remember some times choosing to have an iron infusions as i knew that took a lot longer to get my HB back up to a normal level and i could carry on harming and loosing blood. You may ask how i got my self in these situations and its through self harm, i was harming through cutting and draining my own blood. I know that may sound a bit weird but i got the emotional release i need through taking risks with my life.

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Medication I’ve been on and side effects from them! 

I’ve been on loads of different medications. Mainly antidepressants, antipsychotic, sleeping medication and anxiety medication. 

Most of them either didn’t work very well or had horrible side effects. 

I remember when I was 13 starting fluoxetine an antidepressant, I didn’t take it as prescribed I stock pilled them and over dosed this lead to me being taken out of school by an ambulance and having seizures. This was so horrible in front of my family and younger sister. I feel awful but it didn’t stop me over dosing! Once I took a paracetamol overdose and was being sick in my sleep luckily my mum found me otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now! 

I have taken sleeping tablets and anxiety medication on and off for a year now and it really helps. Without the sleeping medication I have a very broken night sleep and have horrible nightmares. And without the anxiety medication I can hardly leave the flat! I don’t often leave the flat at all unless I’m with someone I really trust. But the anxiety medication lorazepam and clonazapam work really well for me and the sleeping tablets are either zopiclone or trazadone. 

The next medication I’m going to talk about is the antipyscotic. When I get a good one it really helps with my muddled thoughts, visions and voices but it’s at a price. The medication all mainly have weight gain as there side effect and high prolactin level which is very uncomfortable. I have put on loads of weight since being in these medications but I think I have found one that works with the bad experiences I feel and isn’t adding to my weight its quetiapine. I’ve only been on it about three months and I’m now on the dose of 600mg but it seems to be really helping me! 

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Psychology appoinment

I’ve been offered an assessment to see if I can go in to pyschologic treatment for my problems the appointment is on 31st September. I’m very nervous about this but hope I get accepted as it could completely change my life! for the appointment i have to fill out a few questionnaires and they look pretty easy but i suppose it is always hard thinking about how you feel and how you have felt in the past.

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Hospital admissions a&e and mental hospital

My experiences with both a and e and a mental health hospitals that i have been too.

Oxford x2- these were both very short admissions one was voulentarily and the other by section it was the first hospital I went too when I was 18. I had just taken a paracetamol overdose and been given the medically all clear and then I went and hung myself in the toilets whilst a cutting my arm with a needle that had been left on my bed table. That was the most scariest time of my life. I missed loads of school which was probably a good thing as I didn’t get on very well with friends! The other time in Oxford was for a night after a failed suicide attempt. But the doctor said I was no longer a risk and discharged me within 24 hours of being there! 

tindal x 10+ = after being moved to tindal from wintle ward this was still my fist admission I was sectioned and stayed in tindal just over a month. No clear diagnosis given! Since then I have had loads of sectioned and non-sectioned admissions some because of how I felt others because of self harm and others from suicudal attempts. Tindal was a night mare there were dorms where you had to share which didn’t go down very well! I never went down to the canteen to eat. You were only allowed phones outside in the smoking area even if you don’t smoke! 

 newest psychiatric hospital where I live x4- and I have been an impairment here about four times. It’s now a non smoking hospital and there are no shared rooms. All got seperate toilets and showers. And my last to inpatient visits your allowed your phone.

A and E – endless amounts.

   
 

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; project and where you can by merchandise to support suicide awareness.

  http://www.galloree.com/Project-Semicolon-1750.htm

Project Semicolon Project Semicolon is a faith-based movement dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love and inspire.