So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.
Things got bad real quick.
I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.
I was then sectioned which was horrible.
I hated every second of it.
I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.
It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.
They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.
Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.
I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.
I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.
I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.
Surely it has to get better from here?
The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.
Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!
But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.
I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?
I’ve moved to my family home for a while while the lock down is on.
I feel lonely at my flat, I was struggling with my mental health and to keep myself safe but, at my parents I feel just as bad but sometimes worse sometimes better. But either way right now there is no good choice.
I’m struggling so much with
disorder eating thoughts,
the voices, although Gods talking to me is reassuring,
I’m struggling with a lot.
I’m not sure what to do to help.
Sticking to healthy eating,
Drinking less alcohol, although I find sometimes drinking alcohol helps,
Using things in my self soothe box,
Calling the mental health team,
Using the prn I was given,
Using cbd oil,
Relaxation playlist on Spotify,
Podcasts on relaxation and breathing,
Is there anything else I can try, I’m seriously struggling and and help would be appreciated?
What I need to do while I’m at my parents is…
Ignore the negative comments,
Ignore the negative behaviour,
Ignore the sarcastic comments and faces,
Ignore the attention seeking behaviour from others around me.
Things will be tough while I’m here but it’s ok, it won’t be forever, I need to remember that.
All I do is look through my phone by the end of this i will have phone prints on my hands.
I’m scared it’s scary dealing with all this uncertainty on your own,
I’m bored what should I do?
I have so much I could do but how do I get the motivation to actually do it????
I feel I’m not doing enough to help others.
I can’t get out to do my own shopping and there are no delivery slots available, but luckily today my cousin has offered to do it.
Honestly so scared with this situation, I know people keep saying it’s simple all your being asked to do is stay at hone. How can I feel safe though, how can I not feel alone, how can I not escape this reality I’m living in!
Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.
My care team have no idea.
I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.
I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.
But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?
What do I do to be happy?
I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.
I need this good motivation to stay.
I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.
I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!
Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!