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What I gained from loosing my anorexia!

Trigger warning- anorexia! ⚠️

I gained so much from recovering from my anorexia.

Although I’d say I’m weight restored but I still worry about food and weight so much.

I wish I had my anorexic weight back just so I could feel valid having all the anorexia thoughts.

But I’m the short term I’ve gained that I can actually eat in-front if people, I can eat some full fat foods, I enjoy foods including pasta so much,

But

This all comes with guilt, and worry.

I hate how I look but I’ve never liked how I look. Never!

I want to look nice and thin but will it will it be enough.

I want these thoughts to go away.

I’m not longer diagnosed with anorexia although I think I may have atypical anorexia as my weight is restored but I have so many anorexic traits still to this day, will they ever go?

Will it ever be valid enough?

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I know, I shouldn’t have!

I was with family and I really wanted to spend time with them, I didn’t want to leave. So I ate dinner with them.

I hate myself for eating but my sister already worries about my eating and she is only 11.

I don’t want her to grow up with the food issues I had at her age. I was suffering with anorexia at the age of 11. It took years of my life. I was still 18 and suffering.

It was nearly impossible to eat in-front of people, well really eat at all.

I’m now 26 and i still have eating issues.

I no longer have anorexia,

I’m very fat now and I’m trying to loose weight but the old ways of how to loose it is starting to take over!

I keep telling myself it’s ok to eat.

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I’m disgusting!!!!!

Look at that.

I’m horrible.

I hate myself.

That double chin is so horrible.

I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT!!!!!!

I’ve never felt so gross and fat. I’m so embarrassed that I can see how fat I actually am!

I hate myself so deeply, I feel I no longer want to be here. I know that’s not the solution but i hate myself so much that I think I don’t deserve to be here.

I used to be anorexic, I bet you would never guess or think I used to be under weight. I’m now extremely overweight!!!

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Day 28- Something you hope to change about yourself and why?

My weight.

I want my weight to be in the underweight band, on the bmi.

I know what it’s like to be fat, normal and thin. I’ve gone through a mixture of weight differences and I know I want to loose weight from where I currently am.

I’m 145lbs, I’m so ashamed about my weight. My goal is to get to 100 lbs.

To change my weight I need to drink water, exercise more and don’t eat too many sweets and calories.

I wang to change my weight so I’m happy with my body and don’t feel ashamed I feel I will be happier at a lower weight, so that’s the plan.

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31 day blog challenge Mental health

Day 18- What would I change if I could go back in time

Everything!!!

If I was able to know then what I know now I would change a lot.

I would never have self harmed, I would have looked after my body, and I would have wished not to have mental illness.

I guess having mental illness is why my life is currently the way it is. If I was able to not suffer from mental illness I would have nothing in my way. I would have been able to do my dream jobs.

I’m willing to accept in this statement about what I would change, mental illness isn’t one of those things.

But changing the way I look after my body is in my control. I wouldn’t have staved it for years and then drink double the amount of calories a day in alcohol and go to anorexic to over weight in a matter of a year. I would keep up my fitness and not damage my body in the ways I have in self harming.

I would have learnt to be more assertive a lot earlier, I think this would have helped me to not sit back when I was being bullied and leave it until it gets to the very end when police were involved.

I would have been brave. I would have been me!

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Invited to dinner with my family.

My dad texted me inviting me to a meal with them, this is just how things are now, I don’t feel welcome around there without an invite.

It brightened my day he even came and picked me up. Had a lovely time with them.

I haven’t had a roast since last Christmas, so 10 months. I really enjoyed it and dad was happy to see a clean plate from me, as the times I’ve eaten over there I’ve either been in the grips of anorexia or thinking my food has been poisoned.

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When did I get fat?

It feels like yesterday I felt thin and was at my lowest weight this year, the next thing I know I’m back into the overweight category.

I hate myself. I see all or nothing.

What I see in the mirror changes everything time even if I saw it seconds ago, it will be different a second later.

I need to get back down to that weight, it means so much to me to try and loose the weight and feel good about myself.

I’m fat, what I see in the mirror is fat, devil, and distorted. It’s scary.

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Weight loss 

I got past my lowest weight for the first time in years. 

I put so much weight on with my antipsychotic medication and drinking alcohol to self medicate when my medication wasn’t working very well. The voices were uncontrollable and I couldn’t live with my thoughts. I was and still am suicidal but the alcohol helped me forget, or at least not concentrate on it. But I was also anorexic before this, one extreme to the other. 

I’m at 9:4 stone currently, I’m in the middle of the healthy weight for my age and height, But I want to loose more weight. I’m not happy with how I look or feel. But I’m going to put a lot of effort in to keep loosing weight. 

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Weight loss plan

My personal weight loss plan… (I will make this work, I have too.) 

Only count calories that I’ve actively burnt. This way I will feel more motivation to keep exercising. 

Do not count resting calories. These burn whether I exercise or not. It’s cheating calculating these. 

Always try to have a -net calorie by the end of the day. Burn more than I eat. 

Your not hungry, you don’t need food, don’t eat!!!

Count every single calorie consumed and burnt.

No late time eating, no snacks. Fill up on water.

Progress pictures of self and scale, pictures of myself in clothes I want to fit. Find clothes that will look good on and buy them smaller. To motivate me to loose weight.

Find clothes out that you want to fit, and take pictures of them. And myself wearing them, so I can see how much better I will look when I’ve lost the weight.

Put weight online, so I’m ashamed and work harder at burning it off.

Try to only weigh myself once a week.

Get at least 6-8 hours sleep.

Eat something tiny to get metabolic burning. Or / and exercise cardio for at least 40 minutes, this will burn my fat through out the day. 

Get up early and exercise, 

Try to complete to do list for the day, keeps me busy and burning calories. 

Always complete step goal for the day. 

Go shopping try on clothes i want to fit. 

Loads of water, water is my best friend. 

Use internet and pictures to not eat, when I get the urges to eat. 

Try more than yesterday, work harder! 

Burn as much calories as possible. 

Focus on loosing weight more than anything else. I have 27 days roughly. 

This is my personal plan. I do not encourage others. 

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Can I trust my scales?

I got on my scales and every time I get on them they say something different. Literally it change each time, between half a stone!!!! 

Yer I’m serious I got on and was gob smacked, It said had “lost” 7lbs, that’s half a stone. Then I got off and on again with them in the same position and it went up and down. Completely changing each time! 

I want to get some new scales, any suggestions on the best/ accurate ones? 

I’ve got dial ones and electronic ones. 

Are ones that do your fat measurement any good?