Tag: antipsychotic medication

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Discharged off my section. But the hard work is still to come.

The truth of what’s been going on…

So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.

Things got bad real quick.

I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.

I was then sectioned which was horrible.

I hated every second of it.

I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.

It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.

They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.

Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.

I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.

I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.

I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.

Surely it has to get better from here?

This is what I keep reading at the moment.

The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.

Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!

But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.

I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?

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How inpatient is going.

I’ve been in hospital nearly 3 weeks now.

There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.

Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.

It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.

I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.

I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.

I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!

Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.

My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.

On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.

The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.

So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.

It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.

I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.

Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.

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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

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Mental health

Mental health awareness week my story!

Since age 11 I have had poor mental health.

I started to self harm, and not eat.

I was first sectioned aged 18 after numerous suicide attempts.

Since then I’ve been sectioned too many times. Also in hospital volunteering.

These last two weeks have been awful. I’ve been trying to kill myself a lot. But I’m alive. I’m not sure if that’s what I want or not.

I’m struggling so much. The sun is trying to burn me and I feel I need to get more energy so I’m stronger than the sun.

I’m struggling but there is no help.

I’m hearing voices and Ava is helping me. It’s going to be ok.

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God is my protector!!

They have no idea.

My parents aren’t my next of kin they can’t call them and tell them anything!

God is my next of kin!

They are so far away from me!

Don’t try and say sorry because you have no idea what the voices are telling me about you!

I’m better off keeping all this too myself!

God is my protector!

God will protect me! I believe in you!

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First week on haloperidol.

I’ve had a blip of depression which I finally think I’m coming out of!

  • I’m struggling with motivation.
  • Feeling tired.
  • Not any noticeable weight gain.
  • No changes in the voices or the scary faces and spiders I keep seeing!
  • I’ve had an increase in my anxiety, I’m on 6mg diazepam daily at the moment!

Nearly week 2 on haloperidol,

  • I’ve had moments of extreme energy and anxiety!
  • I’ve been pretty hyper.

But in my opinion it’s been the best antipsychotic I’ve been on in terms of less side effects!

I am starting to think it’s a placebo, it’s not really helping too much?

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First haloperidol medication!

I feel so anxious, I think from reading everything that people have said about it!

I think it’s been ok so far it’s been an hour!

I’m scared!

Will it be ok?

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Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Not in any order!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,

  • Got a niece,
  • Turned 18
  • Passed my driving test
  • Was sectioned for the first time, so many times after
  • Had my first blood transfusion
  • Was anorexic now obese!
  • Got my own place
  • Was raped
  • Got three cats
  • Being put on antipsychotics
  • First alcohol drink
  • First holiday without parents
  • Sister got married
  • Got my first silicone baby, Dylan
  • Started this blog
  • Been able to eat in-front of people and public
  • Got closer to extended family
  • Been to Ireland
  • Officially got diagnosed with mental health, -schizophrenia, -emotionally unstable personality disorder, -anxiety, -anorexia, -depression, -ocd,
  • Had a seizure
  • Done two dance shows
  • Became a God mother
  • Went to Florida with my family
  • Seen many waterfalls
  • Seen, p!nk, the script, Ed Sheeran, Jess Glynne,
  • Got 6 tattoos
  • Dyed my hair purple

My favourite photos from the last decade…

Cake I made for my sisters 25th birthday.

Had dinner on the beach and watched the sunset!

First ever time being handcuffed, hopefully the last!

It wasn’t an arrest, I had done nothing wrong, it was for my safety and to stop me running away!

Tinker bell my second cat as a kitten!

Tiger my first cat and tinker bell cuddling!

Tiger and a cat I looked after for a bit, called Pepsi!

Tigers first car ride to pets @ home! He was so good!

Feeding alpacas!

One day worth of pills!

Overdose treatment!

Sectioned, unfortunately not the last time!

Taylor my youngest cat, now 4 years old!

Tinker bell thinking of getting in the path with me.

My favourite waterfall!

Tiger and tinker bell cuddling!

Waterfall!

Taylor!

Taylor sleeping on me!

Tinker bell!

All three of my cats together!

Dylan my first silicone baby!

My most recent hospital section a month ago!

So I guess that concludes the end of a decade for me! 2010-2020!

It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs!

Reached times in my life I thought I was going to die! But some how I survived, but this next decade I’m determined too live not just survive!

I know it’s cliche but I will make this year count!

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Mental health update.

So I haven’t done a proper mental health update for a while and as it’s coming to the end of the year I’m going too do an update.

I have been sectioned twice in the last few months. I’m now out of hospital after a pretty traumatic time in there!

Since coming out of hospital I’ve stopped my medication.

I’ve put on three stone since being inpatient and put on medication.

I was eating all the foods I fancied and this made me gain so much weight so quickly as well as basically sat on my bed all day everyday. Also put back on too antipsychotic medication.

So since I’ve came out of hospital I weighed myself and I was so shocked! I’ve started diet pills and my gp referred me to slimming world which I start tomorrow.

I’ve stopped the antipsychotic medication and I’m currently doing ok. I’m going to my meetings, keeping myself active everyday and trying to push though all the bad thoughts and voices!

I went too a private Therapist to start therapy but I’ve decided I want to wait a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about my past and trauma, even though I feel it’s holding me back!

Unfortunately I’ve started drinking too much Alcohol. This is probably not helping with my weight!

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year! I’m trying to make it a brilliant time for my family! I know it’s going to be really tricky and I’m going to get upset with my mums behaviour, but I want to make my family happy so I’m going to try my best to stay strong!

I’m really trying so hard to get along with my Family!

So I guess that’s where I’m up too!

I hope you all have a good Christmas and stay safe!

I’m here for anyone if you want to talk or struggling!

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Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!