Is that I would really like to pop to a near by shop to get a few things. But because of my anxiety can not do alone. So I’m left in the flat alone. It’s horrible having to rely on someone to do silly things like this. I wish I would just get up and go out like most people my age. I feel so trapped and alone.
That’s a challenging question but one I believe will be good to think about. First of all what are my diagnoses…
Currently struggling with
- Emotionally unstable personality disorder
I know I say I’m recovered from anorexia but it still does trouble me to this day, I struggle to eat infront of people and some foods, I still stick to some of the actions, beliefs and rituals that come with this controlling illness. I am just over healthy weight with my bmi but my brain still thinks and acts like an anorexic. I am currently trying to loose weight and I’m not doing it in a sensible way. But that’s me all or nothing. I piled on the weight of 5 stone in a matter of months, this was due to my antipsychotic medications and lots of alcohol which I used to self medicate when my medication wasn’t working and controlling my symptoms.
I believe I’m fully recovered from the depression, sometimes I do think I’m heading back down that road but I always manage to pull myself back.
And OCD currently does not control my life, I do have something’s like checking my plate before food goes on to it, and the door being a certain place to sleep, but I don’t believe these effect my daily living too much.
Anxiety, well I’ve lived with anxiety since I was very younger my family members have commented on how anxious I was from a very young age. I suffer with debilitating anxiety most days. I am unable to leave my flat alone and do tasks people my age to, for example, going shopping, or talking to people. It effects every corner of my life and it’s very distressing. I do have medication to help me, but some days the anxiety is just so high it doesn’t help. I’m very paranoid, I listen out for every sound and any noises I can hear from outside my door. People must think I’m nosy but in reality I’m so fearful of being hurt I’m just always on high alert. I would say anxiety is a massive factor in my life right now.
Personality disorder, I’m not really sure how this effects me, I think I need to do some research on what are the symptoms and why I was diagnosed with it. In bold is what I found on mind website, I will write below what I believe I have from this discription.
- feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
- have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident in the morning to feeling low and sad in the afternoon).
- not have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you’re with.
- find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
- have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour.
- feel empty and lonely a lot of the time.
- get very angry, and struggle to control your anger.
- When very stressed, sometimes you might:
- feel paranoid.
- have psychotic experiences, such as seeing or hearing things that other people don’t.
- feel numb or ‘checked out’ and not remember things properly after they’ve happened
I do not feel worried about people abondoning me, I guess I’m really the opposite I like to be alone. I do have a range of emotions, that can change,I know who I am, but I do change compared to who I am with, I think that is down to feeling more comfortable with some and not others. I have stable relationships. I do sometimes act impulsively. Yes I get suicidal and self harm. I do not struggle to control anger as I rarely feel anger. I do feel paranoid, I’ve been told I see and hear things that others don’t, which I’m not sure if they are lying and can really hear the voices, and spiders. I do sometimes feel checked out but I do that on purpose it’s not something that I’m out of control with. I can see that I do relate to some of the criteria in which they have probably diagnosed me with, but in all honesty I don’t believe I have this illness.
Schizophrenia, this is what mind say about schizophrenia.
- a lack of interest in things
- feeling disconnected from your feelings
- difficulty concentrating
- wanting to avoid people
- hearing voices
- feeling like you need to be protected.
I do have a lack of interest in some things, I used to love dance and drawing, which I have no interest for any more. I do sometimes feel disconnected from my feelings, which is hard to explain. I definitely have difficulty concentrating, it’s taking me hours to do this, because I keep loosing my train of thought, and the voicesinterrupting. I do want to avoid most people. I have been told that some of the things I see others can’t. People tell me that they can’t see the spyders I see and sometimes the people following me. I do hear voices and I’ve heard them for a very long time, but recently God has been speaking to me, which is so special, I love it when we have a conversation. I have got used to them although sometimes it does get unbearable. Delusions, I’ve been told again that I have delusions, they said the spying isn’t real, and that my body isn’t invincible, although I know it is, so they must be lying to me, the only reason I could think they would lie to me about it is because they are part of the spying. I do feel like I need protection but I don’t really feel protected that is why I don’t put myself in situations where I would need to be protected, for example leaving my flat alone, I know there are too many spies that I wouldn’t be able to fight off.
So after looking up what the symptoms are and connecting with most of them, is abit scary but I really don’t know what I have and don’t have.
Anyway coming back to the question of which diagnosis affects me the most, I don’t really know. I guess they all play there own parts.
People are starting to notice Ive lost weight which is great because I’ve lost 2 stone. But the next two weeks I’m going to really push myself, I can do it. The plan is to loose 7ilbs in 12 days, that’s half a stone in under two weeks, any advice on how Too? I’ve worked out that means I need to burn 6000 kcal more than I eat every two days, impossible? Maybe but I’m going to give it the best shot I have. Ive been motivated a little today but maybe not as much as I was hoping. I guess I’m just thinking it will happen but it won’t unless I put the work in.
Today was day one and it was a good start, I did fancy some bad foods but I denied myself them. Strong willed. I will loose this weight. I’ve had three hot drinks today, I actually enjoyed them and felt good after drinking them, yes they were low kcal. I did have the urge to burn myself with it, but bravely chose to drink it instead.
Tomorrow’s plan, try not to sit down, try to keep as busy as possible. I can do it. Try to finish everything on the list of things I need to do. That’s two challenges. To keep very active and finish off todo list.
Mondays plan is to attempt to go to the gym, and stay there as long as physically possible. I have it all set up. Then the plan is to go to the gym everyday for as long as possible but going to aim for it to be a week.
I’m planning on doing an exercise routine that I will do everyday at least once, I’ve got to work out what to add too it. I would like some stretching and some that gets my heart beating faster.
I woke up quite startled by my cats being loud, so was feeling pretty anxious and wasn’t a good way to wake up, but I’m awake now. I have got out of the pj clothes I’ve been wearing for the past two weeks in to the clothes I’ve been wearing for the past two weeks, without them being washed. That’s normal for me, I hardly wash or change my clothes, that’s just how it is. Im waiting for a parcel and that’s making me very anxious. I’ve taken my morning quetiapine even though I really don’t want to take it any more. I haven’t had a wash or bath since Monday, I know that might sound gross but I just don’t even think about it or do it. It’s partly to do with lack of motivation and partly not even considering it. Is this because I have mental illness? The voices have been going on since I got up. I try to ignore them but it’s not always possible. I’ve had a few minutes here and there where they are quiet, but mainly they have been telling me that I’m being spied on and I need to keep things to myself. Sometimes I listen to them and carry out what they want but I try to not give them the control. I feel not to bad about my weight, I still got fat to go but I can do this. I’ve come out of the dehydrating myself phase. And I’m planning on trying to keep active but it is a challenge as there’s a limit to how much I can handle. I haven’t self harmed in a while. Which I’m pleased about but the voices aren’t. I’m sat with my cats right now and they give me a sense of calm and responsibility. I know I’m still being spied on, that’s why my windows are covered in newspapers, and I’m debating whether I should see my care worker and support worker. But I normal still do and nothing bad has happened yet. I’ve just wrote a massive list of things I need to do, but that’s probably as far as it will go, and stay in the list, until I want to do them. I’m not seeing the man which is nice, I don’t have to have my guard up all the time and be careful about what I do or say. I’m still listening out for any sounds of neighbours or the doors being opened and shut, but I believe I’m a little safe behind all the locks and chains on the door. Picture of my cat giving me hugs.
Had an okay day spoke to my gp, need an untrasound scan for my tummy and I saw my cpn for the first time in weeks, spoke about maybe going on clozapine, lots of anxiety around that, so I need some research and any advice is welcome? Went to see my family. Think I’m going to harm voices really driving me crazy tonight.
Last night I had a disagreement with a family member. I got really upset and worked up. When I thought all I was trying to do was help. Anyway I got myself so worked up I smashed my head on the wall as hard as possible repeatedly. The weird thing is I felt no pain. Anyway I told the family member to leave. And I was still crying and I’m such a state of anger, I tried calming myself down but I couldn’t. So I fed the cats, grabbed loads of warm clothes, drinks, and medication. You n the view of going for a drive and overdosing. Grabed for my car keys and jumped in. I started driving with no destination. I went around In a few circles, not being able to decide where to go. I was low on fule and needed to fill up, so I drove in to the nearest garage and filled up, I’ve never done that before. Firstly going out alone and secondly in then to fill up my car. I was so worked up about what had happen all anxiety and worry went out the window. In matter of fact I couldn’t have cared less what happened. I found a nice place to sit and watch fireworks, and tried to calm myself down. I managed to, I then drove back home after 2 hours, I got really scared with fireworks being set off both sides of where I live, so I parked my car down the road, and went and sat with my cats.
What a emotional night!
Mental health teams, do they really give the support you need before it gets to dramatic or too much suffering. In my experience I don’t receive the help I want and need at the time of crisis. The mental health team wait and wait, and it causes so much pain and until I get to a place where I’m so ill I’m in so much danger. I know they can’t section you until your a danger to youself or others, which is basically a state I’m constantly in. When things get so much worse everyone seems to back off. I need help why are you not listening. What help could be useful…
- A review with psychiatrists,
- May be increase in medication,
- More frequent visits,
- Or calls,
It doesn’t all have to be dramatic and sectioning and involving the police. I hate all that.
At the moment I can tell I’m slipping, I feel so low and I probably won’t get listened too or offered any extra help. The voices aren’t helping as they are telling me I can’t tell my cpn what’s going on. I’m so scared. Nothing at the moment seems to be helping. But please mental health workers listen to your patients,,, we know when we need extra help. And the times we can’t tell for our selves please be gentle and not dramatic it only causes us more panic and upset.
Behind the mask I put on is a terrified, anxious, and a girl falling apart. I try to hide this so much just because it doesn’t fit in to today’s norm of society. If I let it show who I am and how I feel you wouldn’t recognise me. I try to keep myself to myself, with the talking support of my care team and family. Who am I, does anyone really know the truth. No they don’t. I don’t want anyone to know. They will see me as weak and not a valid member of society. I need to show that I can challenge myself even though my thoughts are telling me not too. If I had my choice I would stay home alone all day everyday, with no appointments and never needing to eat or drink. I think my medication also helps to hide the real me. I hate this, but I also like it, confused? Yer me to. I want and need the medication some days but other times I see it as a chore to take.
Today was a busy day with appointments. First I went to see my gp about some tummy pains I’ve been having he thought it was another kidney infection but my sample was clear, I thought it would be, I think something else is wrong it’s a different pain in a different area. Oh well if it carries on I will go back to see him. I also asked about discharging myself from my mental health team but he wasn’t to keen on that, but he can prescribe the medication I’m on so if I do I can stay on the same medication. Then I had a little nap and then woke up from my appointment with my psychiatrist, I was expecting it to go really bad, he was running pretty late and my cpn also joined in with the meeting, I was very anxious but it went okay they listened and helped me. It was good to get all my feelings out and for them to understand what’s going on in my head. They agreed about helping and changing medication. I’m on quetiapine 800mg xr, and I will be on clonazepam for a few weeks then back down to diazepam. The mention of pregabline was there and clozapine. But I know there are a lot of risks with that. So I guess we will look in to it. Then I came home I was still full of adrenaline and felt quite restless. Then one of my sisters came over for a few hours, was so nice to see her, and talk openly. I’m so glad I’m able to spend the time with her as it’s very special as in the past we have had our differences but now we’re both older and more mature we are getting on really well. I’m now linking my blog to my tumblr, so I can post the same post to my followers.