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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

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Mental health

Long awaited update…

Trigger warning ⚠️

Things are really tough.

The voices are controlling me at the moment.

Telling me to harm myself and run away.

I have been asked to go inpatient but I said no I will loose my driving licence.

I’m scared.

I want this to end.

I was given 7 day supply of diazepam to help but it really isn’t helping!

I want this all to end.

The sun is trying to burn me and I need to get more energy to fight it off after all I am God I should be in charge but the voices are taking over.

I’m harming myself in new ways. And I’m scared.

Honestly I do want to die but that’s difficult if you can’t die.

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Mental health

Mental health awareness week my story!

Since age 11 I have had poor mental health.

I started to self harm, and not eat.

I was first sectioned aged 18 after numerous suicide attempts.

Since then I’ve been sectioned too many times. Also in hospital volunteering.

These last two weeks have been awful. I’ve been trying to kill myself a lot. But I’m alive. I’m not sure if that’s what I want or not.

I’m struggling so much. The sun is trying to burn me and I feel I need to get more energy so I’m stronger than the sun.

I’m struggling but there is no help.

I’m hearing voices and Ava is helping me. It’s going to be ok.

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Anxiety blogger borderline personality disorder bpd Cpn delusions Emotionally unstable personality disorder God hallucinations Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis recovery Schizophrenia self harm Support worker Voices

God is my protector!!

They have no idea.

My parents aren’t my next of kin they can’t call them and tell them anything!

God is my next of kin!

They are so far away from me!

Don’t try and say sorry because you have no idea what the voices are telling me about you!

I’m better off keeping all this too myself!

God is my protector!

God will protect me! I believe in you!

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anorexia Anxiety eating disorder Mental health Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

What I gained from loosing my anorexia!

Trigger warning- anorexia! ⚠️

I gained so much from recovering from my anorexia.

Although I’d say I’m weight restored but I still worry about food and weight so much.

I wish I had my anorexic weight back just so I could feel valid having all the anorexia thoughts.

But I’m the short term I’ve gained that I can actually eat in-front if people, I can eat some full fat foods, I enjoy foods including pasta so much,

But

This all comes with guilt, and worry.

I hate how I look but I’ve never liked how I look. Never!

I want to look nice and thin but will it will it be enough.

I want these thoughts to go away.

I’m not longer diagnosed with anorexia although I think I may have atypical anorexia as my weight is restored but I have so many anorexic traits still to this day, will they ever go?

Will it ever be valid enough?

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anorexia Anxiety family Mental health mental health blogger

I’ve moved in with my parents.

Ok so an overdue update…

I’ve moved back in to the family home in my 20’s this feels like a major set but but it’s not, I’m doing this as it’s best for me and my mental health.

I’m taking responsibility.

It’s going ok. I’m hoping to get some craft things finished and spend time with my family.

My cats haven’t moved in because their dog would eat/hurt them so I’m going back every day to spend time with them and feed them of course.

It’s going ok, it’s only been one full day but I think it’s ok, I struggle at night with wanting to go home but it’s ok I know I can if I want too and it’s a few minutes away in the car.

This is the best for my mental health. While I get myself back on track.

I’m finding old things difficult again though my eating is changing, I used to have anorexia and a few things have brought back those negative feelings. And there is a lot of stress at the moment but I’m dealing with these by trying to eat even though I don’t want too and I’m listening to mindfulness podcasts on Spotify.

I’m finding these really helpful the positives are my drinking alcohol has decreased and my mood has increased.

I’m determined to loose some weight while I’m here and I think I can, but I think I need to remember that I’m trying to do it to be healthy and not anorexic again.

How are you all? Xx

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Anxiety borderline personality disorder bpd Emotionally unstable personality disorder Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder

Crisis team!

I finally got somewhere today.

I’ve been struggling and they agreed to give me some prn so I can try and control the panic attacks and anxiety.

I’m getting myself in to such a state!

I need to get control of this.

I took some 💊 diazepam this evening and that helped.

I’m trying to plan things to do over the next 3 weeks on lock down!

I’m going to try to accomplish things I’ve half started!

I’m going to embrace this time in my life to achieve things.

So extra diazepam has helped so far tonight. I just need to try and keep myself safe for a bit longer.

I think I’m starting to make good decisions, I called the crisis team for help, I took prn and I’m going to keep busy!

At the moment I’ve got this, things can only get better, right?

Hope your all keeping well and looking after yourself.

💕I’m here for you all💕

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Mental health

How do I deal with lock down on my own!

I’m completely alone, and I’m scared and bored.

All I do is look through my phone by the end of this i will have phone prints on my hands.

I’m scared it’s scary dealing with all this uncertainty on your own,

I’m bored what should I do?

I have so much I could do but how do I get the motivation to actually do it????

I feel I’m not doing enough to help others.

I can’t get out to do my own shopping and there are no delivery slots available, but luckily today my cousin has offered to do it.

Honestly so scared with this situation, I know people keep saying it’s simple all your being asked to do is stay at hone. How can I feel safe though, how can I not feel alone, how can I not escape this reality I’m living in!

Honestly the fear has got on top of me!

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Health Mental health mental health blogger

I need an end date, it’s too uncertain!

The covid-19 is making me so anxious for so many reasons but mainly due to no end date of the virus it’s self which I know is impossible but there could be an end date to the lock down in the uk!

It will be 3 weeks in lock down on Monday

I just wish I had an end date, this is all too uncertain!

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Anxiety Mental health mental health blogger

Thank you NHS

Having a bit of a tough day, trying to stay in the moment, so did some colouring!

Found out my cousin who’s a paramedic has covid-19. If I’m honest I didn’t think it was going to effect my family but it has. I was naive and thought we were immune!

It turns out it will probably effect someone we know.

I really want to thank the nhs and all key workers! There are so many people coming together in this time of need thank you to all of you! Your all amazing!

We may all loose something or someone to this virus but we are all in this together!

Stay home, stay safe!

I’m here if anyone needs to talk.