I did it.
The last shopping trip I made to the supermarket was in February 2020.
It was horrible and so confusing, this is when the one way systems care in and all the rules and changes. It caused a panic attack.
I hadnt been in to a shop since then.
But on Sunday. I did it. I went to a shop with support from a family member.
It was still scary but I did it. I felt so good walking out of that shop !
I got some cool things,
Blackjack ice lollies, galaxy bed sheets and an alpaca charging lead.
The truth of what’s been going on…
So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.
Things got bad real quick.
I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.
I was then sectioned which was horrible.
I hated every second of it.
I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.
It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.
They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.
Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.
I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.
I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.
I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.
Surely it has to get better from here?
The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.
Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!
But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.
I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?
I drove from my house to my parents on my own, overtaking 4 bikes, a person on a zebra crossing, overtaking a lorry and an ambulance on blue lights. I got home safely!
So proud it’s been a long time since ive felt brave enough to drive on my own let alone take over all the bikes and deal with the obstacles!
So proud! Yey!!!!
Hi,
It’s Monday again, if you think about it we are lucky to be here it’s a blessing another chance to start over, another chance to make a change and another chance to make a difference!
I hope you all have a fantastic week and stay safe and well!
I’m going to try and remain positive in such an uncertain world. 🌍
Today was my first time on a bus alone in years and it was also meant to be my last farm therapy because I just can’t afford it!
But I spoke to the manager and I’m staying on one more month. I’m so happy!
I plan to bake cookies for Monday to share out as a thank you!
I did it. Xx
I seriously surprise myself sometimes!
I’ve got this!
I can do this!
I’m brave!
I hope today does ok I haven’t been for a few sessions! I’m really anxious and scared!
But I can do this. I know I will get some benefit from it.
Ive finished my self soothe box.
What do you think of it? All done by me!
What else can I add too it?
It’s my alternative to harming, or when I am in crisis.
I’m not sure what else I can add?
I started with eye drops for one of the alpacas.
Then got them all out for a feed then brushed
I kept some of there wool we hitch I’m going to add to the sketches I’m going to do if them!
Then this afternoons I cleaned out the goats, guini pigs and rabbit and then I got the straw ready for the weekend!
I was called chief alpaca groomer and I got a real contact!
Today has been a good day, but very tiring!
I’m looking forward to bed! 🛌
Not in any order!
TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,
My favourite photos from the last decade…
Cake I made for my sisters 25th birthday.
Had dinner on the beach and watched the sunset!
First ever time being handcuffed, hopefully the last!
It wasn’t an arrest, I had done nothing wrong, it was for my safety and to stop me running away!
Tinker bell my second cat as a kitten!
Tiger my first cat and tinker bell cuddling!
Tiger and a cat I looked after for a bit, called Pepsi!
Tigers first car ride to pets @ home! He was so good!
Feeding alpacas!
One day worth of pills!
Overdose treatment!
Sectioned, unfortunately not the last time!
Taylor my youngest cat, now 4 years old!
Tinker bell thinking of getting in the path with me.
My favourite waterfall!
Tiger and tinker bell cuddling!
Waterfall!
Taylor!
Taylor sleeping on me!
Tinker bell!
All three of my cats together!
Dylan my first silicone baby!
My most recent hospital section a month ago!
So I guess that concludes the end of a decade for me! 2010-2020!
It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs!
Reached times in my life I thought I was going to die! But some how I survived, but this next decade I’m determined too live not just survive!
I know it’s cliche but I will make this year count!
Things are really tough.
I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.
Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.
My care team have no idea.
I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.
I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.
But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?
What do I do to be happy?
I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.
I need this good motivation to stay.
I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.
I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!
I promise!
Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 