Categories
brother Mental health Miscarriage

I hate walking away from my brothers grave.

I went to visit my brother after not seeing him from a month.

I was in hospital and I missed him so much.

I went to visit him and put this star down.

I hate the feeling I get in my tummy when I walk away.

I love you sweet boy, I miss you!

Categories
brother Mental health

My precious brother.

A feather just blow down in his resting place, I know it’s him saying he is with me.

He is helping me to stay strong and do the best I can.

I love you so much. I hope you know that.

Categories
Mental health Miscarriage

Not long ago…was the day I can hopefully get rid of the guilt about killing my brother.

I’m sorry. You were just asleep.

And

Mum told me I killed you.

I’m sorry it’s 15 years ago, i wish I could have been there and said a good bye then. But I didn’t take that option.

It was such a special memorial. The weather was shining and the wind stoped while we where at his grave side. We lit a candle and it stayed lite through out the service.

I was able to read a poem I wrote for him. Listen to two songs that mean so much to me and connect me and my brother.

I feel some comfort, a feather came down at the beginning of the service. Which I think it was my brother saying he is there for me and the service is the right time and I feel forgiven to some extent. I will always have the guilt I’ve me but I love you. Xx

Categories
brother family Mental health Miscarriage scared

You should have swapped places!!

I hate that you were born the same day as my brother.

Why did you get to live and he die!!!

you were born opposite my brother, you are my cousin and I know I shouldn’t hate that you lived and he didn’t but I wish my brother was here.

Every birthday you have I wish he was here and not you. It hurts me seeing you and everything you’re achieving.

I wish you were my beautiful baby brother. My heart will never stop hurting for you.

One day we will meet and we can live in heaven together.

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Anxiety blogger Emotions family Future Health i did it Mental health mental health blogger Miscarriage nature Pregnancy Pregnant self harm Sisters

TRIGGER WARNING-scars

I’ve self harmed for years, every scar has a story and meaning. They are evidence of surviving and my life. I had this tattoo designed by scratch, the flame symbolising my brother who’s not here, and all three of my sisters chose a flower. So my arm has been changed from showing my scars and story to the love of my family

Tattoo covering my scars up.

First pic my scars… second the design…the finished tattoo.

Categories
Mental health

Special brother, I’ll be by your grave.

Categories
brother Maternity Mental health Miscarriage Past Pregnancy

I felt you kick.

I remember back 14 years ago feeling you kick from inside out mums womb.

I never had any idea you would die soon after.

I feel very responsible it your death, just if I hadn’t cause mum the stress you may be here with us, getting ready for Christmas.

After mum having four girls we were so excited to have you as our brother.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.

Sleep tight little one.

I wish I had held you, given you a great big hug, so you knew how loved you are.

I visit your resting place often, and I always want to come and join you in heaven.

I remember the day you were born, seeing my mum crouched in the corner, shouting that I had killed you, her son.

I love you. I’m sorry,

💙

Categories
Anxiety brother Mental health Miscarriage Pregnancy

How can you miss someone you never met?

I never got the pleasure of meeting my brother. He died in a miss carriage.

I often wonder what he would look like.

I visit your grave often, but it doesn’t stop me wishing you were here.

I wish I’d never had that sleep over, you might still be here.

When I meet you in heaven I’ve got things I want to say to you, my main word would be sorry. And give you a massive hug.

I look forward to the day I’m finally reunited with you. 💙💫

Categories
Anxiety brother family Mental health Miscarriage Past

You’d be 14 today.

Hey beautiful brother,

You’d be 14 today, in secondary school and no doubt racing with the youngest two sisters.

My heart hurts for you each day, there isn’t a day that goes but that I don’t think of you, and that moment I found out you had died.

You will always be my brother, I’m so sorry.

Today I will visit your grave as always, this year I will light s candle, put this years bracelet on to remind me of you and making you proud, and I will make a wish when I blow the candle out, I will leave you a new plaque and card.

I will make you proud. I will be the kindness in the world that wasn’t there when you were taken away.

Sleep tight little one.

I love you so much baby brother. 💙

Categories
brother Mental health Miscarriage

My brother. 💙

Thinking of my brother today as I do everyday. 

Sleep peacefully little one. 

💙