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Animals Cats Mental health

Cat at my local mental health hospital.

I was going for my last blood test for coming off clozapine, and this beautiful cat was outside the hospital. It was very friendly.

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Anxiety blogger clozapine Cpn Daily update delusions Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act mental health blogger Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Therapy Voices Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

Titration time

WARNING…..…….. REALLY REALLY LONG POST!!!!!!

  • Talk of…
    • Self harm,
      Medication,
      Psychosis,
      Blood tests.

    Today Monday 18th of March 2019 my medication of Clozapine Changing to quetiapine. Im spending the next 3 weeks in the day hospital from 9:30-12:30. I hate it here but if it’s the only way to change my medication then I will push through it.

    Why…

    • Weight gain
    • Blood tests
    • Dribbling
    • Constipation
    • Levels were too high at one point

    Day one…..

    75 mg morning clozapine

    50mg morning quetiapine

    Same at 5 and bed time for clozapine

    First day. I’ve been in the day hospital over an hour and they have lost my medication, it took them weeks for them to get the medication together and the due date, which is today! So I’m still waiting for them. I’m a little annoyed. Plus I hated the early start. I was there an hour, because no one knew where I was or what I was doing other than taking medication.

    Day 2………..

    Am- clozapine. 50Mg

    Am- quetiapine 100mg

    5pm and bedtime

    Feel really sick and massive head ache. I went and stayed with my family for some of the day which is a big difference to normal. I don’t normally spend much time with them but I needed their support. I’m going to keep trying to get through this. I am strong!

    Day 3………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 200mg

    5pm – clozapine 125mg

    5pm- quetiapine none

    bedtime- clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I was feeling pretty sick yesterday. I had a head ache and been finding it hard to keep my thoughts and feelings hid. I’m really anxious. I spoke to the reverent at the mental health hospital which Ive been going to for my medication. And I trust her and I spoke about how I feel about the spying. I don’t feel safe from the staff at the hospital and I can’t wait until I don’t have to go. I’m feeling better today and I’ve done some house work.

    Day 4………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50 mg

    5pm clozapine 100mg

    5pm quetiapine 200mg

    bedtime clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine none.

    I went today and got the weekend dose so I don’t have to take it with supervision. I went to collect my new glasses and I’ve been brave and went in a few shops. Currently have a bath. I’ve had my 5pm medication two hours early. I just needed some help so thought it might help.

    Day 5………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm-clozapine 75mg

    5pm- quetiapine 300mg

    bedtime-clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine-none

    Spent some time with my family and sisters. They all talked to me which was nice it was very chaotic. Went shopping and tried to sort out presents for my mum.

    Day 6………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm -clozapine- 50mg

    5pm-quetiapine- 350mg

    bedtime- clozapine- 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none.

    I went to a beach, felt like I wanted to jump off the cliff even though I’m not actively suicidal. When I got home I didn’t feel well at all. I had a head ache and felt like I needed to sleep.

    Day 7………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm -clozapine 25mg

    5pm-quetiapine 350mg

    bedtime clozapine-175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine-none

    Had an okay day, met up with my auntie, I went to the gp about my back pain, she is referring me to physio. The weather is nice. I’m not really sure how I’m feeling, I feel nothing, and everything all in once. I want to drink alcohol for the first time I weeks, but I want to try to get to the gym tonight. The voices are extreme, I’m finding it hard to sort my medications out myself as they all come from different boxes. I hate this. The thoughts and feelings are extreme but also non existent. It’s so confusing. Will the voices ever stop? Will the thoughts stop, will the presence stop. I’m really scared and I don’t know where to turn.

    Day 8 ………..

    Am- clozapine. -none

    Am- quetiapine -50 mg

    5pm clozapine -none

    5pm- quetiapine- 450mg

    bedtime -clozapine- 175mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine- none

    Bedtime

    Struggling a lot, the voices and spying are extreme. The doctor at the hospital talked to me and was worried things are going bad. I don’t know what to do or think. I’m really scared.

    Day 9………..

    Am- clozapine. -none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm -clozapine- none

    5pm- quetiapine- 500mg

    bedtime clozapine-150mg

    Bedtime quetiapine-none

    Had an appointment with my care co-ordinated, psychiatrist and a nurse about my symptoms and medication. They have decided to slow the clozapine down as I’m experiencing side effects, like the spying and voices. I’m really not happy with this but at least the quetiapine is continue to increase daily.

    I’m at the sanctuary now ready for a spiritual session. Which went really well, there was a lot of people so I was very uncomfortable but the reverent was very reassuring and helped me through it. I just picked up the medication from the reception at the mental health hospital. I wish things went the way I want them too.

    Day 10………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm-clozapine none

    5pm-quetiapine 550mg

    bedtime-clozapine 125mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I got the new medication timetable today. I’m really not happy about it but the psychiatrist is not happy that I’m refusing the blood test next week. I spent the day with my one nearly two year old niece and my sister. I actually had a good time. Got some good pictures. I felt like part of the family. Have really had much time with the nurse that gives me medication and I left straight away I know the plan was to go to a group but I was just too scared too. I might try harder tomorrow. The voices are really strong today but I’m trying to block them out which I think I’ve done really well. No one is aware of what I’m hearing. It’s not pleasant.

    Day 11 ………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine-none

    5pm quetiapine- 550mg

    bedtime clozapine-175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    I went to the day hospital today to collect my morning medication. I was very scared as there were ants on the floor spying on me and when I was at the bus stop the flies were trying to get in my ears, nose and mouth. It’s made me very parinoid. I also saw an ambulance waiting outside my house I thought they were going to section me and take me away. I’m very suspicious about everything today.

    Day 12………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine-none

    5pm quetiapine- 600mg

    bedtime-clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine-none

    I went to the Beach and it was lovely, it helped to keep the voices at bay. I did experience a draining feeling in my body which usually means my blood pressure is low.

    Day 13……….. sunday

    Am- clozapine. none

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 650mg

    bedtime- clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    Today was Mother’s Day, I felt guilty as my family wanted us all to go swimming but I didn’t want them to see my self harm scars so I made up an excuse. I had a ok day spend it with my sister teaching me her favourite song, my niece wanting to play and then pinching me. She wasn’t in a good mood, I’ve never seen her like that before. I don’t think mum liked her presents, but we tried. I came home to some beautiful flowers and four cards, one each for my cat and then one from my baby Dylan. I’m so grateful.

    Day 14……….. Monday 1st

    Am- clozapine .none

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 700mg

    bedtime- clozapine 150mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    Today I went for my morning medication, which I took fine, but they let their guard down and gave me the whole lot. This does mean I could play it and not go in the rest of the week, but I have therapy tomorrow so I think I will tomorrow and then seeing my cpn on Wednesday so I’ve got to go in then too. We will see how I feel.

    Day 15……….. Tuesday 2nd

    Am- clozapine. Mg

    Am- quetiapine mg

    5pm and bedtime

    I had an appointment with my therapist and it went really well. I think it was the best one yet. She really listened to me and my problems. It was chucking down with rail. My sister picked me up afterwads with my niece and uncle. I hardly see my Uncel but he always says I’m the strongest person he knows. We went to a play centre and it was really good. Then we all went to my parents home. We all had pizza and then chilled. I felt pretty low by the end of the day. The voices were really bothering me.

    Day 16……….. Wednesday 3rd

    Am- clozapine-none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm clozapine-none.

    5pm- quetiapine-750mg

    bedtime-clozapine 125mg

    Bedtime-

    I was meant to see my community psychiatric nurse but I was too late. Then I went to the hospital to take my medication. I said to them I don’t want to come in any more and I’m refusing my blood test. My cpn then called me we had a little chat she said she thinks I’m getting ill again. And asked if I will go into hospital voluntarily, I said no. I then went to the spiritual service. Which I always connect with.

    Day 17……….. Thursday 4th

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 750mg

    bedtime- clozapine- 125mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I went and took my medication at the hospital and then I left, I then saw my support worker coming out of the road I just walked she went the opposite way and the turned round looking and I hid in the bus stop. And then there was police with there sirens on, following me I just kept hiding and then got on the bus and got home as quick as I could. I’m home right now but I’m really scared.

    Day 18……….. Friday 5th

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine- none

    5pm – quetiapine- 750mg

    bedtime clozapine- 125mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    The hospital was bad and scary, there was a Spyder watching me. I was as quick as possible and I got home really quickly. I’ve found the best of that really scary. I don’t feel settled. I had to re cut my arm and insert the chip. I’m really anxious about them spying on me. A Bug spying on me at my own home. Im scared.,

    Day 19….. Saturday 6th

    Am-Clozapine-none

    Am-quetiapine-50mg

    5pm-clozapine- none

    5pm-quetiapine – 750mg

    Bedtime-clozapine – 100mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine- none

    Had an okay day. I went to a supture park. I had also tried to get the chip inside my body. It’s really sore now. I went and had dinner at my parents and found out that my family were going away tomorrow without telling me. I feel pretty bad about that. But I hope they have a safe time. It’s been a mixed emotional day.

    Day 20… Sunday 7th

    am- clozapine -none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm- clozapine-none

    5pm-quetiapine-750mg

    Bedtime-clozapine-125mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine-none

    I lost track of all blog posts and everything really.

    I was told on the Monday I had a mental health act assessment the next day and this three everything up in the air.

    I’m not finished the whole titration now. I’m on 900mg of quetiapine again. So far it’s working well. I feel better than clozapine.

    The staff were a nightmare. It was also a big problem to try and get my medication to take home sorted. No one knew what was happening and who was giving the medication and how much.

    Now my doctor is meant to be taking over with prescribing my medication, I don’t think she will be able to do it but if not some one from the mental health hospital will have to take over.

    I had also forgot to take my pregabline for over two weeks I think this made my anxiety worse and I had a few withdrawal symptoms while also Changing medication. It’s difficult to know if it was the medication change or withdrawals.

    It also took 5 weeks instead of the original 3 weeks that we thought!

    Categories
    Anxiety blogger clozapine delusions Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations hospital Mental health Mental health act mental health blogger Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm spying Support worker Therapy Voices

    The chip…

    TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

    Talk of self harm, psychosis and mental health act assessment.

    This is the chip I believed to be connected with the mental health staff.

    I believed it helped me escape the mental health staff by telling me when they were near and how to escape. I tried to insert it in to my skin.

    I found it on the floor at the mental health hospital that I was attending every day for 5 weeks as a day patient.

    I was on a medication change. And I think this effected my mental health. I believe looking back on how I felt I was in a bad place.

    This all lead to a mental health act assessment. But I know what to say to not get sectioned and the out come was me not being sectioned. I know the process too well.

    Categories
    Anxiety blogger clozapine delusions Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health mental health blogger Over weight Overweight Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia Voices Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

    My last clozapine tablet.

    I was on clozapine for just over a year. I put 3 stone in this time. I’m currently trying to lose the weight but I’ve changed my antipsychotic medication to quetiapine. I’ve been on quetiapine before and it worked well for me but I’m on a really high dose. I know one of the side effects of quetiapine is weight gain but I’m going to try my hardest to loose the weight. Since changing I seem to have more energy and I’m sleeping less.

    Categories
    anorexia Anxiety clozapine depression Emotionally unstable personality disorder Food Health healthy Mental health mental health blogger Over weight Overweight Personality disorder Schizophrenia Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

    Can’t believe this use to fit me.

    This is a really nice dress that fitted me, it was even a bit big.

    I was suffering with anorexia which is a eating disorder and one symptom is being under weight.

    I’m now a lot bigger and I’m over weight. I would need a large now and that’s so embarrassing to actually tell someone. I’m really trying my best to loose weight.

    I look back at pictures of when I was anorexic and I wish I had that size body again, but I don’t want all the other suffering. I was really depressed.

    I put weight on due to my antipsychotic medication because I also suffer from schizophrenia, emotionally unstable personality disorder, and anxiety.

    Categories
    Anxiety clozapine Emotionally unstable personality disorder hospital Medication Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder Schizophrenia Therapy

    I’ve finished the titration!!!!

    I’m so glad it’s over.

    I was changing from clozapine to quetiapine which I’ve been on before.

    I was changing because I hated the blood tests for clozapine and I had some horrible side effects.

  • I’m now on
    • 900mg of quetiapine,
      600mg pregabline,
      2mg diazepam,
      100mg lamotrogine,
      1000mg Metaformin,
      5mg procycladine,
      25mg promethazine,

    Which is rather a lot to take!

    I’m feeling a lot better than I have felt.

    Categories
    Anxiety clozapine Cpn delusions Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations Medication Mental health mental health blogger Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia self harm spying Support worker Therapy Voices

    Why do I take the medication.

    What I take…

    • Pregabline,
    • Diazepam,
    • Clozapine,
    • Quetiapine,
    • Promethazine,
    • Lamotrgine
    • Metaformine,

    Im diagnosed with

    • Anxiety,
    • Emotionally unstable personality disorder,
    • Schizophrenia,

    I’m not 100% sure whether I believe them, I don’t even know why I take the medication. I’m being controlled by them. What should I do?

    Categories
    clozapine hallucinations Medication Mental health Voices

    Medication time

    Medication time. Clozapine to quetiapine.

    Anyone have any stories on quetiapine I would love to hear them.

    Categories
    Anxiety hallucinations Mental health mental health blogger psychosis Schizophrenia spying Voices

    28th March update.

    I got the new medication timetable today. I’m really not happy about it but the psychiatrist is not happy that I’m refusing the blood test next week.

    I spent the day with my nearly two year old niece and my sister.

    I actually had a good time. Got some good pictures. I felt like part of the family.

    Haven’t really had much time with the nurse that gives me medication and I left straight away I know the plan was to go to a group but I was just too scared too. I might try harder tomorrow.

    The voices are really strong today but I’m trying to block them out which I think I’ve done really well. No one is aware of what I’m hearing. It’s not pleasant

    I’m hoping my weight will have gone down yesterday, I’ve tried really hard to be active today. But currently laying in bed with recurring back ache.

    The presence that I feel over my left shoulder feels like it’s demanding my attention and it’s making me fearful. I’m concerned it’s going to break me and go in to a full meltdown.

    Flower from the walk today.

    Categories
    Anxiety clozapine delusions Mental health mental health blogger Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia self harm spying Support worker Therapy Voices

    Day 9 on titration clozapine to quetiapine!

    Had an appointment with my care co-ordinated, psychiatrist and a nurse about my symptoms and medication. They have decided to slow the clozapine down as I’m experiencing side effects, like the spying and voices. I’m really not happy with this but at least the quetiapine is continue to increase daily.

    I’m at the sanctuary now ready for a spiritual session. Which went really well, there was a lot of people so I was very uncomfortable but the reverent was very reassuring and helped me through it. I just picked up the medication from the reception at the mental health hospital. I wish things went the way I want them too.

    I’ve decided that I’m refusing the blood test next week, to do with me clozapine. Hopefully that means they will have to stop it. But the reason I am refusing it is because I’m afraid of the staff taking my dna from the blood test. I’m scared about what may happen.

    I’m struggling, why are they spying on me and why are the voices really bad. I’m scared.