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Discharged off my section. But the hard work is still to come.

The truth of what’s been going on…

So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.

Things got bad real quick.

I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.

I was then sectioned which was horrible.

I hated every second of it.

I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.

It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.

They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.

Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.

I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.

I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.

I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.

Surely it has to get better from here?

This is what I keep reading at the moment.

The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.

Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!

But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.

I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?

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How inpatient is going.

I’ve been in hospital nearly 3 weeks now.

There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.

Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.

It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.

I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.

I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.

I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!

Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.

My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.

On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.

The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.

So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.

It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.

I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.

Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.

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Overdue honest update.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️

Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.

I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.

The next day I was put in section 2

I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.

I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.

I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.

I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.

I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.

I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.

I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.

I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.

I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.

I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.

I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.

Will I ever get out of here unharmed?

I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.

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Mental health

Do I have Breast cancer?

I’m scared.

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20 days out of psychiatric hospital!

Yey,

It’s been 20 days out of the psychiatric hospital!

I was in section two for a relapse in my mental state!

I suffer from emotionally unstable personality disorder, schizophrenia and anxiety!

I thought the mental health team were after my dna so I took steps to make sure that didn’t happen, and I ended up needing hospital treatment and then I was sectioned from there!

I’m home now and so glad to be. It’s a luxury compared to being in hospital.

I do miss it sometimes, I miss the contact and the support, I miss there always being someone there to help!

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Mental health

Feeling unwell.

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Anxiety Doctors Mental health

Waiting for a call from my doctor causes so much anxiety.

They were meant to call at 9am

It’s currently 11:45 and still no contact but have confirmed they will call me today!

Finally I was able to speak to a doctor.

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How do I tone belly fat and thighs.

!!!!!!HELP!!!!!!

I’ve been loosing weight and I really need to tone my belly fat and thighs.

It wobbles so much. My weight is going down and I’m not sure to help it not wobble like jelly.

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Anxiety Doctors Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health Nhs scared

Is this low blood pressure and High pulse anything to worry about?

I’m worried I’m feeling so unwell.

Is this blood pressure too low?

Is my pulse too high?

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Anxiety blogger clozapine Cpn Daily update delusions Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act mental health blogger Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Therapy Voices Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

Titration time

WARNING…..…….. REALLY REALLY LONG POST!!!!!!

  • Talk of…
      • Self harm,
      Medication,
      Psychosis,
      Blood tests.

    Today Monday 18th of March 2019 my medication of Clozapine Changing to quetiapine. Im spending the next 3 weeks in the day hospital from 9:30-12:30. I hate it here but if it’s the only way to change my medication then I will push through it.

    Why…

    • Weight gain
    • Blood tests
    • Dribbling
    • Constipation
    • Levels were too high at one point

    Day one…..

    75 mg morning clozapine

    50mg morning quetiapine

    Same at 5 and bed time for clozapine

    First day. I’ve been in the day hospital over an hour and they have lost my medication, it took them weeks for them to get the medication together and the due date, which is today! So I’m still waiting for them. I’m a little annoyed. Plus I hated the early start. I was there an hour, because no one knew where I was or what I was doing other than taking medication.

    Day 2………..

    Am- clozapine. 50Mg

    Am- quetiapine 100mg

    5pm and bedtime

    Feel really sick and massive head ache. I went and stayed with my family for some of the day which is a big difference to normal. I don’t normally spend much time with them but I needed their support. I’m going to keep trying to get through this. I am strong!

    Day 3………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 200mg

    5pm – clozapine 125mg

    5pm- quetiapine none

    bedtime- clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I was feeling pretty sick yesterday. I had a head ache and been finding it hard to keep my thoughts and feelings hid. I’m really anxious. I spoke to the reverent at the mental health hospital which Ive been going to for my medication. And I trust her and I spoke about how I feel about the spying. I don’t feel safe from the staff at the hospital and I can’t wait until I don’t have to go. I’m feeling better today and I’ve done some house work.

    Day 4………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50 mg

    5pm clozapine 100mg

    5pm quetiapine 200mg

    bedtime clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine none.

    I went today and got the weekend dose so I don’t have to take it with supervision. I went to collect my new glasses and I’ve been brave and went in a few shops. Currently have a bath. I’ve had my 5pm medication two hours early. I just needed some help so thought it might help.

    Day 5………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm-clozapine 75mg

    5pm- quetiapine 300mg

    bedtime-clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine-none

    Spent some time with my family and sisters. They all talked to me which was nice it was very chaotic. Went shopping and tried to sort out presents for my mum.

    Day 6………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm -clozapine- 50mg

    5pm-quetiapine- 350mg

    bedtime- clozapine- 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none.

    I went to a beach, felt like I wanted to jump off the cliff even though I’m not actively suicidal. When I got home I didn’t feel well at all. I had a head ache and felt like I needed to sleep.

    Day 7………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm -clozapine 25mg

    5pm-quetiapine 350mg

    bedtime clozapine-175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine-none

    Had an okay day, met up with my auntie, I went to the gp about my back pain, she is referring me to physio. The weather is nice. I’m not really sure how I’m feeling, I feel nothing, and everything all in once. I want to drink alcohol for the first time I weeks, but I want to try to get to the gym tonight. The voices are extreme, I’m finding it hard to sort my medications out myself as they all come from different boxes. I hate this. The thoughts and feelings are extreme but also non existent. It’s so confusing. Will the voices ever stop? Will the thoughts stop, will the presence stop. I’m really scared and I don’t know where to turn.

    Day 8 ………..

    Am- clozapine. -none

    Am- quetiapine -50 mg

    5pm clozapine -none

    5pm- quetiapine- 450mg

    bedtime -clozapine- 175mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine- none

    Bedtime

    Struggling a lot, the voices and spying are extreme. The doctor at the hospital talked to me and was worried things are going bad. I don’t know what to do or think. I’m really scared.

    Day 9………..

    Am- clozapine. -none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm -clozapine- none

    5pm- quetiapine- 500mg

    bedtime clozapine-150mg

    Bedtime quetiapine-none

    Had an appointment with my care co-ordinated, psychiatrist and a nurse about my symptoms and medication. They have decided to slow the clozapine down as I’m experiencing side effects, like the spying and voices. I’m really not happy with this but at least the quetiapine is continue to increase daily.

    I’m at the sanctuary now ready for a spiritual session. Which went really well, there was a lot of people so I was very uncomfortable but the reverent was very reassuring and helped me through it. I just picked up the medication from the reception at the mental health hospital. I wish things went the way I want them too.

    Day 10………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm-clozapine none

    5pm-quetiapine 550mg

    bedtime-clozapine 125mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I got the new medication timetable today. I’m really not happy about it but the psychiatrist is not happy that I’m refusing the blood test next week. I spent the day with my one nearly two year old niece and my sister. I actually had a good time. Got some good pictures. I felt like part of the family. Have really had much time with the nurse that gives me medication and I left straight away I know the plan was to go to a group but I was just too scared too. I might try harder tomorrow. The voices are really strong today but I’m trying to block them out which I think I’ve done really well. No one is aware of what I’m hearing. It’s not pleasant.

    Day 11 ………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine-none

    5pm quetiapine- 550mg

    bedtime clozapine-175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    I went to the day hospital today to collect my morning medication. I was very scared as there were ants on the floor spying on me and when I was at the bus stop the flies were trying to get in my ears, nose and mouth. It’s made me very parinoid. I also saw an ambulance waiting outside my house I thought they were going to section me and take me away. I’m very suspicious about everything today.

    Day 12………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine-none

    5pm quetiapine- 600mg

    bedtime-clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine-none

    I went to the Beach and it was lovely, it helped to keep the voices at bay. I did experience a draining feeling in my body which usually means my blood pressure is low.

    Day 13……….. sunday

    Am- clozapine. none

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 650mg

    bedtime- clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    Today was Mother’s Day, I felt guilty as my family wanted us all to go swimming but I didn’t want them to see my self harm scars so I made up an excuse. I had a ok day spend it with my sister teaching me her favourite song, my niece wanting to play and then pinching me. She wasn’t in a good mood, I’ve never seen her like that before. I don’t think mum liked her presents, but we tried. I came home to some beautiful flowers and four cards, one each for my cat and then one from my baby Dylan. I’m so grateful.

    Day 14……….. Monday 1st

    Am- clozapine .none

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 700mg

    bedtime- clozapine 150mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    Today I went for my morning medication, which I took fine, but they let their guard down and gave me the whole lot. This does mean I could play it and not go in the rest of the week, but I have therapy tomorrow so I think I will tomorrow and then seeing my cpn on Wednesday so I’ve got to go in then too. We will see how I feel.

    Day 15……….. Tuesday 2nd

    Am- clozapine. Mg

    Am- quetiapine mg

    5pm and bedtime

    I had an appointment with my therapist and it went really well. I think it was the best one yet. She really listened to me and my problems. It was chucking down with rail. My sister picked me up afterwads with my niece and uncle. I hardly see my Uncel but he always says I’m the strongest person he knows. We went to a play centre and it was really good. Then we all went to my parents home. We all had pizza and then chilled. I felt pretty low by the end of the day. The voices were really bothering me.

    Day 16……….. Wednesday 3rd

    Am- clozapine-none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm clozapine-none.

    5pm- quetiapine-750mg

    bedtime-clozapine 125mg

    Bedtime-

    I was meant to see my community psychiatric nurse but I was too late. Then I went to the hospital to take my medication. I said to them I don’t want to come in any more and I’m refusing my blood test. My cpn then called me we had a little chat she said she thinks I’m getting ill again. And asked if I will go into hospital voluntarily, I said no. I then went to the spiritual service. Which I always connect with.

    Day 17……….. Thursday 4th

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 750mg

    bedtime- clozapine- 125mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I went and took my medication at the hospital and then I left, I then saw my support worker coming out of the road I just walked she went the opposite way and the turned round looking and I hid in the bus stop. And then there was police with there sirens on, following me I just kept hiding and then got on the bus and got home as quick as I could. I’m home right now but I’m really scared.

    Day 18……….. Friday 5th

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine- none

    5pm – quetiapine- 750mg

    bedtime clozapine- 125mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    The hospital was bad and scary, there was a Spyder watching me. I was as quick as possible and I got home really quickly. I’ve found the best of that really scary. I don’t feel settled. I had to re cut my arm and insert the chip. I’m really anxious about them spying on me. A Bug spying on me at my own home. Im scared.,

    Day 19….. Saturday 6th

    Am-Clozapine-none

    Am-quetiapine-50mg

    5pm-clozapine- none

    5pm-quetiapine – 750mg

    Bedtime-clozapine – 100mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine- none

    Had an okay day. I went to a supture park. I had also tried to get the chip inside my body. It’s really sore now. I went and had dinner at my parents and found out that my family were going away tomorrow without telling me. I feel pretty bad about that. But I hope they have a safe time. It’s been a mixed emotional day.

    Day 20… Sunday 7th

    am- clozapine -none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm- clozapine-none

    5pm-quetiapine-750mg

    Bedtime-clozapine-125mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine-none

    I lost track of all blog posts and everything really.

    I was told on the Monday I had a mental health act assessment the next day and this three everything up in the air.

    I’m not finished the whole titration now. I’m on 900mg of quetiapine again. So far it’s working well. I feel better than clozapine.

    The staff were a nightmare. It was also a big problem to try and get my medication to take home sorted. No one knew what was happening and who was giving the medication and how much.

    Now my doctor is meant to be taking over with prescribing my medication, I don’t think she will be able to do it but if not some one from the mental health hospital will have to take over.

    I had also forgot to take my pregabline for over two weeks I think this made my anxiety worse and I had a few withdrawal symptoms while also Changing medication. It’s difficult to know if it was the medication change or withdrawals.

    It also took 5 weeks instead of the original 3 weeks that we thought!