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What I gained from loosing my anorexia!

Trigger warning- anorexia! ⚠️

I gained so much from recovering from my anorexia.

Although I’d say I’m weight restored but I still worry about food and weight so much.

I wish I had my anorexic weight back just so I could feel valid having all the anorexia thoughts.

But I’m the short term I’ve gained that I can actually eat in-front if people, I can eat some full fat foods, I enjoy foods including pasta so much,


This all comes with guilt, and worry.

I hate how I look but I’ve never liked how I look. Never!

I want to look nice and thin but will it will it be enough.

I want these thoughts to go away.

I’m not longer diagnosed with anorexia although I think I may have atypical anorexia as my weight is restored but I have so many anorexic traits still to this day, will they ever go?

Will it ever be valid enough?

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“You’ve lost weight but it’s not enough to notice!”

I’ve just been told this!

I went out with my sister and niece/ God daughter to a play group.

It was good I haven’t seen them in two weeks so she hasn’t seen me in about two weeks. I’ve lost a fair amount of weight In that time.

What I heard in my head is her saying…

“You’ve lost a little weight but your still hugh! Your fat and need to loose more.”

She didn’t say that but I guess that’s what I want to hear to fule my obsession about loosing weight it gives me an extra motivation.

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I know, I shouldn’t have!

I was with family and I really wanted to spend time with them, I didn’t want to leave. So I ate dinner with them.

I hate myself for eating but my sister already worries about my eating and she is only 11.

I don’t want her to grow up with the food issues I had at her age. I was suffering with anorexia at the age of 11. It took years of my life. I was still 18 and suffering.

It was nearly impossible to eat in-front of people, well really eat at all.

I’m now 26 and i still have eating issues.

I no longer have anorexia,

I’m very fat now and I’m trying to loose weight but the old ways of how to loose it is starting to take over!

I keep telling myself it’s ok to eat.

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I did it…

I ate out In public and it was a McDonald’s.

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Swallowing trouble … is it anxiety?

I’ve had a problem swallowing (mainly food) for a while now, it fluctuates. Sometimes I can swallow fine and other times I’m chocking.

Is it anxiety or is there something wrong?

I don’t feel like there is anything stopping the food other than swallowing the food. I do panic and try to cough the food back up.

Any ideas?

My doctor knows but isn’t sure what it is.

I did have anorexia a while back but in recovery from that. Although I still want to watch my weight and food.

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I’m awful at making decisions, I swing to the two extremes. There’s no grey area. It’s all or nothing. 

So I’ve been thinking about how physically unwell I am at the moment and how and what can I do to help myself feel better. 

So I can take iron supplements to help with my low iron and anemia or harm more, the two extremes. 

So the plan is to make smaller changes I’m going to start with my diet, I only really eat dinner and even then I don’t eat a lot. So I’m going to see if there are dinners that are healthy but still no meat, I do have five vegetables with dinner but they are always the same ones. 

So I’ve got to find healthy vegetarian meals that I will attempt to eat more of. 

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Doctors appointment on Friday. 

I went to my doctor because I keep collapsing, but instead I got a lecture. 

He noticed how much weight I had lost but when he found out my bmi is okay he wasn’t bothered. 

He said that I need to find my path and focus in life. I came to talk to him about collapsing and I get a lecture on life. He said you have your driving licence and been on holiday (which was years ago) why are you still struggling… I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS…. a holiday and licence doesn’t cure it! He just doesn’t get this! 

He told me I should move out of the area, thinks that will help. And told me to turn to religion. 

He told me it’s really hard to get in the health bmi so I should be happy but wanted to give me steroids to make me hungry so I would eat more and not go down in to underweight. I haven’t got a problem with being hungry, I’ve got a problem with eating calories. 

In the end he told me I keep collapsing because lack of food, the fluid diluted my blood. Low blood sugar and low blood pressure and low heamaglobin and iron. 

Even though I told him I can’t let myself eat fatty foods he continued to tell me to eat more. I’m sat in front of you physically telling you I’m scared of calories and all I get it eat more. 

Wow that was a really awful appointment. 

I used to get on really well with him but now he just doesn’t understand. 

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Weekend away

Went for a weekend away. To somewhere we’d never been. It was me and my carer. It’s his birthday next week so I planned for us to go somewhere nice. It was nice. Where we stayed was a 5 minute walk to in he beach.

When we go away, sometimes something bad happens, but not this time. Which is good for both of us. 

We watched the sunset over the beach which was so nice. 

We put our feet in the sea, as we do when ever we go to a beach. But it was so frezzing, the coldest I’ve ever felt. It felt like it was burning it was so cold. 

 I achieved some good things while we were away, with eating, no harming, taking the correct medication without a fight, and I organised it mostly myself. All things to be proud of.