I thought it was going to be a lot easier than Iāve actually found it.
Iāve been very lonely and started to use old coping mechanisms.
Today is the first day Iāve felt in control.
So Iāve worked through my todo list, and now Iām having a bath, and listening to my favourite songs.
Iām starting to look after my appearance.
My job has moved a lot further, both references are done and the occupational health assessment has been done. Iām waiting for the report of that to come back and then a start date.
Iām scared in case it doesnāt happen and go through because of my mental health but I feel 100% ready to do this job.
Iāve seen my family this week, which I will admit has been pretty stressful, but it was still nice to see them.
Iāve been the the animal therapy farm and had a cuddle with a ducklings. I had an amazing time.
Iāve started to work on loosing weight and getting healthy.
Itās been so lovely seeing and BBC spending time with my cats.
So overall I think things are going ok and I canāt wait to start living not just surviving!
So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.
Things got bad real quick.
I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.
I was then sectioned which was horrible.
I hated every second of it.
I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.
It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.
They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.
Either way Iāve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.
I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering Iāve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess Iām still a fat ugly creature.
I need to work on my weight so much now as Iāve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily itās all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon Iām just scared as I think Iāve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove Iām stable. But Iām still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.
Iām hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am Iām not sure I can get through this.
Surely it has to get better from here?
This is what I keep reading at the moment.
The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but havenāt heard from them at all.
Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.
Honestly, Iām not even sure Iām going to go and have it. I donāt want to be injected and I hate the fact itās out of my control. Iām going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They canāt force me to have the depot now that Iām not sectioned!
But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.
I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?
There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but Iām starting to feel better.
Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.
Itās only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, Iām no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.
I hadnāt eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot Iāve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasnāt eating, I am scared that now Iām going to put all that weight back on but now Iāve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.
I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didnāt win it as Iām still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and whatās wrong with me and why Iām not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldnāt see each other. Anyway I lost and Iām still here under section 2.
I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. Itās horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, itās my cate talk to me!!!!
Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which Iām happy about but I donāt think itās going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.
My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.
On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which Iām so great full for.
The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.
So as it stands now. Iām hopefully going home one day this week, I hope itās really soon as I canāt wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.
Itās amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.
I will admit I didnāt realise Iāve been here this long, and luckily I donāt remember much about the distressing times.
Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.
Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.
I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.
The next day I was put in section 2
Iāve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which Iām scared of.
I havenāt eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. Iām able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although Iām limiting what I drink to dry and die.
I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.
Iāve been injected by restraint 3 times and itās so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.
Iāve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.
Iām so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I canāt die.
Iāve been here over a week but feels like a few hours Iām loosing track of time.
Iāve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.
Iām so low at the moment and my head is so busy.
Iāve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.
I canāt concentrate much and itās taken me days to write this.
Iām not ill and donāt need to be kept against my will and medicated! Itās not fair. Iām so scared.
Will I ever get out of here unharmed?
I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but itās not through choice If they werenāt poisoning my food I could eat. Iām scared.
