Animals Anxiety Mental health Therapy

New challenge!

Today I’m off to animal therapy in a taxi instead of my carer taking me!

I do not feel I can do it! I’m so scared. How can I do it?

How do I get through the panic.

I’m scared about being alone, scared of being in public especially on my own.

I’m scared they will be late or I will be late, or too early!

What if it goes wrong!

What if I harm,

What it the edges to jump out get too high,

What if I have to talk what if it goes wrong

But my dear what if it goes RIGHT!!!

I’m going to try! Xxx

I can do this.

Fear will not get the better of me!

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The Spying Spider is back

This is a photo in Took from my window in the mental health unit. It just proves that they are spying on me. I’m always scare and this is the reason why…

They are always spying on me. I dont feel safe from the one place i should. The mental health hospital just down the road

Please save me.

31 day blog challenge Mental health

Day 6- What I’m afraid of

This is a difficult one as I’m afraid of a lot.

I’m nearly always anxious and scared but I think this is a more in-depth feeling of afraid.

So the biggest one is I’m afraid of myself or my family dying. I’ve had a lot of people die in my life time maybe more than a usual amount, and I find this really soul destroying. I’m so grateful I’ve got amazing people in my life I know there’s a lot of good and bad but I’m happy that I got to meet them and then they die rather than just never having met them if that makes sense.

So I’m most afraid of death, I don’t think I can die, I think I’m invisible but I’m not sure if this is just to protect my thoughts of being afraid to die. I love my family and every time I leave there’s I have to kiss them all once and all the same amount of times or I think they will die and it will be my fault.

Anxiety Daily update Doctors Mental health spying Voices

Plan A

I need to get the device out of my body, so they can no longer track me, and see where I’m going. That way I will feel safer as they won’t be able to prepare to get my DNA if they don’t know where I am and where I’m going. How do I get it out, I’m going to have to get it somewhere that’s easy to get out, I can feel it in my head at the moment, I can’t get it out while it’s in there. 

Then I will Run away, I will be free, I can go where ever I want and be a bit safer than what I was with the device in. 

To keep myself protected, I will need to keep a Bible, my personalised bracelet and necklace, and any candel, these will all make the devil stay away from me personally. I think I will be safe. Unfortunately there’s no guarantee. So I’m glad I’m documenting it on here, if anything happens, at least someone knew, and they can look back on these and know I was telling the truth, and tried to warn people. 

I’m unsure what to do about the voices, do I listen to them or ignore them? It’s a difficult one as they are mean most of the time, but sometimes they do give some good advice and solutions. I think my plan right now would be to ignore the bad voices and bad things they are saying and just listen to Gods voice, and maybe listen when the devil speaks to me Incase he gives clues to what is happening. It will be difficult to choose which ones to listen too, it’s so much easier if I don’t listen to any of them, or choosing that I will listen to them, and then I get overwhelmed. 

I don’t have a Medication plan at the moment. I keep feeling different about it, my mind changes too many times, and never stick to what I’ve previously thought. Also no plan of what to do about alcohol, I think I’m going to have to leave this one to decide what’s best at the times I want it. 

I’m writing everything down, this is my proof of the spying. I’m not safe anywhere, all I want is to feel safe.
Mislead the devil, don’t tell him the plan. Will this work? I have no idea, but I’m going to try. I feel as though the more blood I get out the more control I have over the devil and voices. They voices and spying is causing me so much pain and anxiety. I wish I could get rid if them so I don’t have to feel anxious. I keep hearing unusual noises, it’s making me worried, I’m not sure what I can do about it though. 

I want to be free, I need some help. I want a break, please just a little break from my head, thoughts, voices and the spying. Help me please. No one understands, help me. 

Mental health

Busy shop

I went in to a very busy shop, a triggering song came on, I just had to continue to look at my list and focus on getting the shopping. There were people everywhere. Too much going on. Very anxious. 

When I get in to situations like these, I panic. I need someone beside me to tell me everything is okay and help keep me focused. If there’s no one I trust next to me I panic even more. My mind goes in to a world of its own, I get scared to move, and can’t decide what I should do next. I get really flustered and worked up. I hate it. I wish I could do things like go to a shop on my own but I just can’t cope. One day maybe. But anyway I’m home now and today’s shopping experience can go behind me. 

Anxiety Emotionally unstable personality disorder Health Medication Mental health Mental health act Personality disorder Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Therapy Voices Weight

I hate reality. 

I can’t do this, when I take all my medication it’s too difficult to deal with life. At least when I don’t take the medication I don’t feel here, reality is horrible. I like being in my own world. I miss the non-existence caring. I hate knowing everything that’s going on, I like feeling out of it. I need that break to survive. I know I had made the decision to take the correct medication but it’s so tough trying to deal and understand life. Help me please, I don’t want to know and worry about everything that’s going on. 

I’m checking out.