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Discharged off my section. But the hard work is still to come.

The truth of what’s been going on…

So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.

Things got bad real quick.

I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.

I was then sectioned which was horrible.

I hated every second of it.

I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.

It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.

They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.

Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.

I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.

I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.

I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.

Surely it has to get better from here?

This is what I keep reading at the moment.

The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.

Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.

Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!

But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.

I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?

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Please help me loose weight? 😢

I’m really trying but it doesn’t seem to be going right.

I’ve been eating around 1200kcal but yesterday I had 1500 kcal and gained 0.3 kg.

I’ve been doing at least 10,000 steps a day, and around 50 sit ups.

I’m keeping active most of the day.

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO INCREASE MY WEIGHT LOSS?

Please any support or suggestions will help!

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Will I ever be thin enough!

I hate my weight and myself.

I used to be anorexic and now I’m obese!

I’m so upset that I let myself get like this.

I crave and need to be thin, I know I’ve got an obsession about my bones showing, but that’s what I want.

I’m so determined to get this weight off!

I will learn to live myself again!

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Review on the decade. All the good and bad!

Not in any order!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

Self harm, inpatient, suicide attempts, rape,

  • Got a niece,
  • Turned 18
  • Passed my driving test
  • Was sectioned for the first time, so many times after
  • Had my first blood transfusion
  • Was anorexic now obese!
  • Got my own place
  • Was raped
  • Got three cats
  • Being put on antipsychotics
  • First alcohol drink
  • First holiday without parents
  • Sister got married
  • Got my first silicone baby, Dylan
  • Started this blog
  • Been able to eat in-front of people and public
  • Got closer to extended family
  • Been to Ireland
  • Officially got diagnosed with mental health, -schizophrenia, -emotionally unstable personality disorder, -anxiety, -anorexia, -depression, -ocd,
  • Had a seizure
  • Done two dance shows
  • Became a God mother
  • Went to Florida with my family
  • Seen many waterfalls
  • Seen, p!nk, the script, Ed Sheeran, Jess Glynne,
  • Got 6 tattoos
  • Dyed my hair purple

My favourite photos from the last decade…

Cake I made for my sisters 25th birthday.

Had dinner on the beach and watched the sunset!

First ever time being handcuffed, hopefully the last!

It wasn’t an arrest, I had done nothing wrong, it was for my safety and to stop me running away!

Tinker bell my second cat as a kitten!

Tiger my first cat and tinker bell cuddling!

Tiger and a cat I looked after for a bit, called Pepsi!

Tigers first car ride to pets @ home! He was so good!

Feeding alpacas!

One day worth of pills!

Overdose treatment!

Sectioned, unfortunately not the last time!

Taylor my youngest cat, now 4 years old!

Tinker bell thinking of getting in the path with me.

My favourite waterfall!

Tiger and tinker bell cuddling!

Waterfall!

Taylor!

Taylor sleeping on me!

Tinker bell!

All three of my cats together!

Dylan my first silicone baby!

My most recent hospital section a month ago!

So I guess that concludes the end of a decade for me! 2010-2020!

It’s been a rollercoaster of ups and downs!

Reached times in my life I thought I was going to die! But some how I survived, but this next decade I’m determined too live not just survive!

I know it’s cliche but I will make this year count!

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Mental health update.

So I haven’t done a proper mental health update for a while and as it’s coming to the end of the year I’m going too do an update.

I have been sectioned twice in the last few months. I’m now out of hospital after a pretty traumatic time in there!

Since coming out of hospital I’ve stopped my medication.

I’ve put on three stone since being inpatient and put on medication.

I was eating all the foods I fancied and this made me gain so much weight so quickly as well as basically sat on my bed all day everyday. Also put back on too antipsychotic medication.

So since I’ve came out of hospital I weighed myself and I was so shocked! I’ve started diet pills and my gp referred me to slimming world which I start tomorrow.

I’ve stopped the antipsychotic medication and I’m currently doing ok. I’m going to my meetings, keeping myself active everyday and trying to push though all the bad thoughts and voices!

I went too a private Therapist to start therapy but I’ve decided I want to wait a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about my past and trauma, even though I feel it’s holding me back!

Unfortunately I’ve started drinking too much Alcohol. This is probably not helping with my weight!

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year! I’m trying to make it a brilliant time for my family! I know it’s going to be really tricky and I’m going to get upset with my mums behaviour, but I want to make my family happy so I’m going to try my best to stay strong!

I’m really trying so hard to get along with my Family!

So I guess that’s where I’m up too!

I hope you all have a good Christmas and stay safe!

I’m here for anyone if you want to talk or struggling!

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Current update.

Things are really tough.

I’ve stopped my antipsychotic again.

Seriously self harmed which has left me feeling awful still days later.

My care team have no idea.

I hate my body so much I’ve started taking diet pills.

I’m scared about slot of things right now. I’m not sure I want to live but if I do choose to live I want to live a life off medication, helping others, being healthy and skinny, I’d like to be nice and have a family I can look after and put first.

But right now I’m so torn, how do I get that good life?

What do I do to be happy?

I would love so much to be “normal” and get up to look after a family and then have an amazing job working with alpacas and children with special needs.

I need this good motivation to stay.

I’m scared to go to sleep in case I wake up and it’s gone.

I’m sorry to all the people I have hurt, I really do love you and will make it up to you!

I promise!

Ok I better wake up and get on with living this amazing life. I can do this!!!!!

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Goal this year.

I’m now 27, time to get my life on track.

These are goals I want to achieve this year!

I want to work on my Weight, get down to 9 stone minimum, by eating healthy and going on walks!

I’m going to try to get out the flat every day.

I want to get a Job at animal antics, but first go there to volunteer.

I want to work on get driving again.

Family. I want to work on seeing my family more. I want to make the effort to spend time with them!

Be more responsible for my own life and care. Try to make meals for myself. Try to take care of my own medication.

Make friends. I want to go out and make friends. I want to have a good support network.

fit and healthy, is a good thing for my life! I need to be able to go places and see the world. (At least England)

No self harm- one whole year. (nothing!) i can do this!

Save money.

Move to the beach

Get a tattoo designed by my favourite cousin.

I think that is a lot to work on but I can do it.

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Weight gain. Hate myself.

I hate myself so much, and today’s weigh in has made me really determined to loose this weight.

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What size am I?

I know I’m fat but what size am I?

I had to try clothes on today And im so embarrass. Luckily no one saw. But the shorts wouldn’t come over my thighs and they were labels a size bigger than I would normally get.

I hate myself.

I want to loose so much weight and I hope this is the motivation I needed.

So I weight too much and I look fat and disgusting.

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Weight is going down!!!

Yey, finally my weight is going the direction I want.

I’m loosing weight, it’s only been a few days but it’s a big improvement than constantly gaining. It’s posted my mood, and my motivation!

I can do this!!!!