I thought it was going to be a lot easier than I’ve actually found it.
I’ve been very lonely and started to use old coping mechanisms.
Today is the first day I’ve felt in control.
So I’ve worked through my todo list, and now I’m having a bath, and listening to my favourite songs.
I’m starting to look after my appearance.
My job has moved a lot further, both references are done and the occupational health assessment has been done. I’m waiting for the report of that to come back and then a start date.
I’m scared in case it doesn’t happen and go through because of my mental health but I feel 100% ready to do this job.
I’ve seen my family this week, which I will admit has been pretty stressful, but it was still nice to see them.
I’ve been the the animal therapy farm and had a cuddle with a ducklings. I had an amazing time.
I’ve started to work on loosing weight and getting healthy.
It’s been so lovely seeing and BBC spending time with my cats.
So overall I think things are going ok and I can’t wait to start living not just surviving!
There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.
Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.
It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.
I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.
I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.
I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!
Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.
My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.
On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.
The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.
So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.
It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.
I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.
Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.
Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.
I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.
The next day I was put in section 2
I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.
I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.
I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.
I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.
I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.
I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.
I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.
I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.
I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.
I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.
I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.
I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.
Will I ever get out of here unharmed?
I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.
I gained so much from recovering from my anorexia.
Although I’d say I’m weight restored but I still worry about food and weight so much.
I wish I had my anorexic weight back just so I could feel valid having all the anorexia thoughts.
But I’m the short term I’ve gained that I can actually eat in-front if people, I can eat some full fat foods, I enjoy foods including pasta so much,
But
This all comes with guilt, and worry.
I hate how I look but I’ve never liked how I look. Never!
I want to look nice and thin but will it will it be enough.
I want these thoughts to go away.
I’m not longer diagnosed with anorexia although I think I may have atypical anorexia as my weight is restored but I have so many anorexic traits still to this day, will they ever go?
All I do is look through my phone by the end of this i will have phone prints on my hands.
I’m scared it’s scary dealing with all this uncertainty on your own,
I’m bored what should I do?
I have so much I could do but how do I get the motivation to actually do it????
I feel I’m not doing enough to help others.
I can’t get out to do my own shopping and there are no delivery slots available, but luckily today my cousin has offered to do it.
Honestly so scared with this situation, I know people keep saying it’s simple all your being asked to do is stay at hone. How can I feel safe though, how can I not feel alone, how can I not escape this reality I’m living in!
I had granola, muller light banana and custard yogurt and a banana.
It was actually nice.
Someone in Holland and Barrett yesterday said having breakfast in the first 30 minutes of waking up increased your metabolism by 30% so it burns more calories through out the day?
Which means you loose weight quicker… is this true????
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 