Mental health

Cutting my brothers birthday cake for him in Heaven!

Mental health

Special brother, I’ll be by your grave.

brother Maternity Mental health Miscarriage Past Pregnancy

I felt you kick.

I remember back 14 years ago feeling you kick from inside out mums womb.

I never had any idea you would die soon after.

I feel very responsible it your death, just if I hadn’t cause mum the stress you may be here with us, getting ready for Christmas.

After mum having four girls we were so excited to have you as our brother.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.

Sleep tight little one.

I wish I had held you, given you a great big hug, so you knew how loved you are.

I visit your resting place often, and I always want to come and join you in heaven.

I remember the day you were born, seeing my mum crouched in the corner, shouting that I had killed you, her son.

I love you. I’m sorry,


31 day blog challenge Mental health

Day 19- Meaningful song

I have a lot of meaningful songs. Music is constantly helping me. I listen to music so much. I have songs that represent the time or life I’m living. They all have deeper meanings for me.

But currently one song that is meaningful and inspiring is “I am here” by pink.

It talks about being here and asking the bigger question “where do we go, when we go” to me this means when we die where do we go. This is an important question to me as I hope and pray when I die I can be reunited with my nan and meet my brother. I hope this place is heaven.

31 day blog challenge Mental health

Day 17- Do I believe in heaven and hell

Yes I do, I think.

I think heaven is where you go when you die if you’ve been good and he’ll if your bad.

But I don’t know what I think those places are going to be like. And it still scares me about dying.

I think when I die I will meet those people who I love and that already gone to heaven. My man and brother. But I’m not sure if they will be the same age as when they died or if they will grow up.

Anxiety brother family Mental health Miscarriage Past

You’d be 14 today.

Hey beautiful brother,

You’d be 14 today, in secondary school and no doubt racing with the youngest two sisters.

My heart hurts for you each day, there isn’t a day that goes but that I don’t think of you, and that moment I found out you had died.

You will always be my brother, I’m so sorry.

Today I will visit your grave as always, this year I will light s candle, put this years bracelet on to remind me of you and making you proud, and I will make a wish when I blow the candle out, I will leave you a new plaque and card.

I will make you proud. I will be the kindness in the world that wasn’t there when you were taken away.

Sleep tight little one.

I love you so much baby brother. 💙

anorexia Anxiety Carer Cpn Daily update delusions depression Diary Disappointment Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions Future God hallucinations Health healthy hospital Lonely Medication Mental health Mental health act Nhs Now Past Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis scared Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm spying Support worker Therapy Voices

Cpn today’s appointment. 

My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital. 

I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.

Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control. 

I’m not really sure what my plan is from here. 

The voices have been so bad, I can control them.

I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?! 

Mental health

I need to know you are on my side. I need to know I’m not alone. 

I wish my brother or Nan was here, I need there love and support. I need to know that they are looking down on me and my life will get better. 

I know they won’t leave me to suffer. 

Please keep me in your thoughts and love you, Nan and brother. XxxX 

Mental health

Went on a walk yesterday and found this…

Went for a walk and I found a £1, and a feather. 

The feather was more important as I read a quote before I found it, saying that “if you see a feather a love one who has passed on is thinking of you”.

 I feel it’s from my brother and Nan because I’ve really been struggling these last few weeks, and today I’ve woke up and I feel so much better. I’m so greatful for thier help.