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family Mental health

I just don’t fit in.

At my family house and they knew I was coming over but they only made dinner for them and my sisters.

It’s hurt me that I wasn’t included

Now my sister just looked over my shoulder and read the above. I feel really upset by this.

She said that it’s my choice and it makes her feel left out when I go to the beach and days out.

I’m sat here with my family, feeling really left out and it’s all my fault.

One of my other sisters is ignoring me about photos of my niece, she said that she wanted me to do a scrap book about this year but every time I ask for the photos she ignores me.

Categories
Mental health

Left out?

I’ve been getting on well with my family, which is a big difference to how it’s been in the past.

But I’m still not good enough. For them, or who I should be.

I’m useless, what do I bring to this family? NOTHING!

They are all pretending It’s okay me being at there’s but, im still the only one without s key, im not allowed to take photos of my niece and I haven’t gave them a child so I’m less worthy or I haven’t given them something to be proud of me for.

I feel low, but oh well!

Categories
Mental health

I feel like no one.

Can you hear me when I’m talking to you?

Can you see me trying to get your attention?

Can you feel my presence?

I’m here, hello?!

Categories
Anxiety Emotionally unstable personality disorder family Mental health Mum Personality disorder Schizophrenia Sisters

I’m completely lost.

I don't know about you but my mum is amazing at leaving me out and making me feel guilty for being alive.
I wanted to take my 2 youngest sisters to the cinema as mum has asked my sister who's just had the baby, to baby sit her sisters. I'm older and wasn't asked and plus I have the benifit of not just having a newborn baby to look after too.

Yesterday I was really pleased she asked me to go clothes and food shopping with her but even then with out my sister that has the baby, she left me out completely.

Anyway, I wanted to take my two youngest sisters to the cinema and give my sister who's "baby sitting" (a 16, and 10 year old.) a break and I get quality time with the other two, received a text from mum this morning, " I've decided you can't take your sisters to the cinema, it's not fair on *name of sister baby sitting*. "

I wanted to reply…
No your right.
It's not fair on asking her to baby sit at all, she has her own family to care for.

BUT didn't reply to her.
I just don't get it.
Can anyone shine any light to me of why my mother is like this?

I feel so rubbish.

Categories
angry Anxiety Dad Daily update Disappointment Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family Future Lonely Mental health Mum scared self harm Sisters

Family? 

I texted them all today, saying I loved them. Only dad replied but wanted to know if everything was okay as I don’t normally just text that. I lied and said all was okay.

So they all think I’m okay. My sister has completely blocked me on everything, which has hit me hard. Mum said it’s my fault as I put on Facebook about having to go to hospital. And she isn’t old enough for things like that, by the way she is 16 years old. My sister told me the other day she was talking to a friend who wanted to kill them selves so how can she deal with that but not deal with me saying I was in hospital. It’s just there excuse. To cover up the real reason that they don’t want me in their life! 

I’ve deactivated my Facebook. I will escape everything in there. I rang there home phone about 30 minutes ago and the sister that’s blocked me answered, I asked her a few questions I either got silence or an answer I didn’t want to hear. So from that I decided that actually I don’t get included in anything to do with them as a family, no one really cares or knows whether I’m alive unless I text them first. So I’ve texted mum saying I no long want to be hurt and left out so I’m taking the step to remove myself from my family. It’s the only way I can see things being able to cope. 

Things aren’t great and I hate everything about myself.