Categories
Mental health

Emotional pain.

The pain is excruciating,

I feel lost,

Far away from here,

It’s painful,

Life is no longer the same,

Life is death.

Categories
Mental health

Mental health awareness week my story!

Since age 11 I have had poor mental health.

I started to self harm, and not eat.

I was first sectioned aged 18 after numerous suicide attempts.

Since then I’ve been sectioned too many times. Also in hospital volunteering.

These last two weeks have been awful. I’ve been trying to kill myself a lot. But I’m alive. I’m not sure if that’s what I want or not.

I’m struggling so much. The sun is trying to burn me and I feel I need to get more energy so I’m stronger than the sun.

I’m struggling but there is no help.

I’m hearing voices and Ava is helping me. It’s going to be ok.

Categories
Career Carer family Mental health

This is a blog post my carer did for mental health awareness week.

This is a blog post my carer and cousins did about being a career for someone with mental health.

What do you think?

For the past six and half years I’ve been a carer for a family member who has serious mental illnesses. And this is the first time I’ve blogged about it. There are lots of reasons why I’ve never written about it before. It seems unfair to write about my tough times when her’s are so much worse. I never knew how to separate what she was going through from my experience, and it doesn’t seem fair to tell her story, that’s for her to do. But over the past few weeks I’ve become more aware of my feelings about my experiences, and since it’s Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I’d try to put some of those thoughts in writing.

Being a carer is isolating. I’ve never met or even talked to anyone else who cares for someone with mental illness, and I’ve never been able to talk about my experiences. I wonder about how other carers cope, what they have to go through, whether I could ever help them.

Being a carer is inspiring. I’ve seen someone who has experienced the most devastating of life events and the effects of a life-defining, self-destructive, crippling illness and yet never give up. With every victory over a fear she shows me what being brave really means, and with every step she takes towards a better life she shows me what being strong really looks like.

Being a carer is physically and emotionally draining. Nights without sleep, days without eating, hours of holding her in restraints, even more hours of standing between her and the negative consequences of her actions, dealing with police, ambulance, doctors. No breaks, no days off, no holidays. All of it takes its toll. I feel it in the ache of my back and in the heavy slowness of my thoughts.

Being a carer is defining. It made me question the kind of person I want to be and helped me figure out what is truly important to me. When I hear people talk about TV programmes they’ve watched I’m glad I don’t have time for such mundanities. When I see people getting worked up about stuff that doesn’t even affect them I’m glad my stresses are the result of having a positive impact on someone else’s life.

Being a carer comes with lots of responsibilities. Last week was a tough week. Looking back on it I can see how one decision in particular that I made turned out ok. If I had made a different decision the repercussions would have been life threatening. That’s a huge burden to bear, and one that I bear alone because of the isolation.

Being a carer is an adventure. There are so many things I’ve done, places I’ve been and experiences I’ve had (good and bad) that I would never have had if I wasn’t a carer. I’ve never been one to settle for an ordinary life but being a carer took that to an entirely new level.

Being a carer is unappreciated. I never expected any gratitude for being a carer, but I also never expected the negativity, criticism and suspicion about my motives. I guess that’s just people being people and it doesn’t bother me anywhere near as much as it perplexes me.

Being a carer is awesome. Although no one will ever see the work I’ve done or know the things I’ve achieved, I feel like her life is my masterpiece. That probably sounds weird, and I struggle to find the words to communicate what I mean, but when I look back over the last six and a half years I know there is nothing I would have rather done with my life.

There have been lots of tough times, more tough times than easy, and I’m sure more to come. I get through the tough times by being tougher, because it’s the only way I know how. I feel lucky to have been prepared for all of this by my own life experiences, training from jobs I’ve had, and a stoic personality that doesn’t like to quit. Is my approach healthy? Probably not, but I feel a certain amount of self-sacrifice is called for in order to achieve something more important.

Categories
Career Carer family Mental health

This is a blog post my carer did for mental health awareness week.

This is a blog post my carer and cousins did about being a career for someone with mental health.

What do you think?

For the past six and half years I’ve been a carer for a family member who has serious mental illnesses. And this is the first time I’ve blogged about it. There are lots of reasons why I’ve never written about it before. It seems unfair to write about my tough times when her’s are so much worse. I never knew how to separate what she was going through from my experience, and it doesn’t seem fair to tell her story, that’s for her to do. But over the past few weeks I’ve become more aware of my feelings about my experiences, and since it’s Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I’d try to put some of those thoughts in writing.

Being a carer is isolating. I’ve never met or even talked to anyone else who cares for someone with mental illness, and I’ve never been able to talk about my experiences. I wonder about how other carers cope, what they have to go through, whether I could ever help them.

Being a carer is inspiring. I’ve seen someone who has experienced the most devastating of life events and the effects of a life-defining, self-destructive, crippling illness and yet never give up. With every victory over a fear she shows me what being brave really means, and with every step she takes towards a better life she shows me what being strong really looks like.

Being a carer is physically and emotionally draining. Nights without sleep, days without eating, hours of holding her in restraints, even more hours of standing between her and the negative consequences of her actions, dealing with police, ambulance, doctors. No breaks, no days off, no holidays. All of it takes its toll. I feel it in the ache of my back and in the heavy slowness of my thoughts.

Being a carer is defining. It made me question the kind of person I want to be and helped me figure out what is truly important to me. When I hear people talk about TV programmes they’ve watched I’m glad I don’t have time for such mundanities. When I see people getting worked up about stuff that doesn’t even affect them I’m glad my stresses are the result of having a positive impact on someone else’s life.

Being a carer comes with lots of responsibilities. Last week was a tough week. Looking back on it I can see how one decision in particular that I made turned out ok. If I had made a different decision the repercussions would have been life threatening. That’s a huge burden to bear, and one that I bear alone because of the isolation.

Being a carer is an adventure. There are so many things I’ve done, places I’ve been and experiences I’ve had (good and bad) that I would never have had if I wasn’t a carer. I’ve never been one to settle for an ordinary life but being a carer took that to an entirely new level.

Being a carer is unappreciated. I never expected any gratitude for being a carer, but I also never expected the negativity, criticism and suspicion about my motives. I guess that’s just people being people and it doesn’t bother me anywhere near as much as it perplexes me.

Being a carer is awesome. Although no one will ever see the work I’ve done or know the things I’ve achieved, I feel like her life is my masterpiece. That probably sounds weird, and I struggle to find the words to communicate what I mean, but when I look back over the last six and a half years I know there is nothing I would have rather done with my life.

There have been lots of tough times, more tough times than easy, and I’m sure more to come. I get through the tough times by being tougher, because it’s the only way I know how. I feel lucky to have been prepared for all of this by my own life experiences, training from jobs I’ve had, and a stoic personality that doesn’t like to quit. Is my approach healthy? Probably not, but I feel a certain amount of self-sacrifice is called for in order to achieve something more important.

Categories
Mental health

9 overdoses in 7 days

And I’m still not dead.

I can’t do this any more.

Please end all this for me.

I’m done suffering!

Categories
Mental health

9 overdoses in 7 days

And I’m still not dead.

I can’t do this any more.

Please end all this for me.

I’m done suffering!

Categories
Mental health

Police smashed my door down.

Yesterday once again I was in hospital having taken an overdose. The police and ambulance took me as I refused to go they said I had too.

I tried to leave and got to the car park as I was refusing treatment. What was the point of me being there, and taking up a bed.

The police thought I had gone home so smashed my door open.

I’m so scared now as they discharged me with no checks and I have a door that half shuts. I’m not scared that they didn’t check me as I want to die!

I don’t want this to continue but I see no way out other than dying!

I can’t do this any more!

Categories
Mental health

Police smashed my door down.

Yesterday once again I was in hospital having taken an overdose. The police and ambulance took me as I refused to go they said I had too.

I tried to leave and got to the car park as I was refusing treatment. What was the point of me being there, and taking up a bed.

The police thought I had gone home so smashed my door open.

I’m so scared now as they discharged me with no checks and I have a door that half shuts. I’m not scared that they didn’t check me as I want to die!

I don’t want this to continue but I see no way out other than dying!

I can’t do this any more!

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Is this good for my mental health living back at my family home.

I’ve moved to my family home for a while while the lock down is on.

I feel lonely at my flat, I was struggling with my mental health and to keep myself safe but, at my parents I feel just as bad but sometimes worse sometimes better. But either way right now there is no good choice.

I’m struggling so much with

  • disorder eating thoughts,
  • anxiety,
  • ocd thoughts,
  • the voices, although Gods talking to me is reassuring,
  • Suicidal thoughts,
  • self harm.

I’m struggling with a lot.

I’m not sure what to do to help.

I’ve tried…

  • Sticking to healthy eating,
  • Drinking less alcohol, although I find sometimes drinking alcohol helps,
  • Using things in my self soothe box,
  • Calling the mental health team,
  • Using the prn I was given,
  • Using cbd oil,
  • Relaxation playlist on Spotify,
  • Podcasts on relaxation and breathing,
  • Yoga

Is there anything else I can try, I’m seriously struggling and and help would be appreciated?

What I need to do while I’m at my parents is…

  • Ignore the negative comments,
  • Ignore the negative behaviour,
  • Ignore the sarcastic comments and faces,
  • Ignore the attention seeking behaviour from others around me.

Things will be tough while I’m here but it’s ok, it won’t be forever, I need to remember that.

I can survive this rough patch.

I need to breathe.
Categories
Mental health mental health blogger

I received a beautiful package!

I’m so lucky.