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brother Mental health Miscarriage

I hate walking away from my brothers grave.

I went to visit my brother after not seeing him from a month.

I was in hospital and I missed him so much.

I went to visit him and put this star down.

I hate the feeling I get in my tummy when I walk away.

I love you sweet boy, I miss you!

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Mental health

Cutting my brothers birthday cake for him in Heaven!

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baby Mental health Miscarriage

My brothers memorial box.

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Mental health Miscarriage

Miscarriage

A few weeks ago I was told that one of my family members was expecting a baby.

A few days ago she had her scan and the baby has died.

I tried to be there for her, even though it hit me hard.

But she told me she wants her privacy and space to be respected.

So don’t contact her!

I now feel lost she also told me it wasn’t her first miscarriage this year.

Why do my family hide all these secrets from me?

So now I’m lost, I don’t know what to do thats right or wrong!

I’m too scared to contact my family in case I’m in the way or not wanted!

I just want to shut off and go to sleep!

I really wish I could be there for her in the way she needs me. I really hope she is ok and that she knows I love her.

I’m so sorry.

Categories
brother Mental health

My precious brother.

A feather just blow down in his resting place, I know it’s him saying he is with me.

He is helping me to stay strong and do the best I can.

I love you so much. I hope you know that.

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anorexia Anxiety blogger Emotionally unstable personality disorder Glad God i did it Mental health mental health blogger Miscarriage Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Therapy

Help me… help you.

What do you want? How can I help. My personality helps me be the person I want to be and help others, but how can I help if I don’t know what you want and what’s the best thing to do or say.

So tell me how Can i help?

What do I want? I want to be the person I imagine to be. I want to be known as the person who helps everyone no matter what.

Are we brave enough to tell people what we want and how to help especially as we don’t know each other. But it’s a perfect time to meet, be friends or just someone we know we can turn too.

Achieve-able? I hope.

I guess this leaves me to wait, but remember

I’m here for you.

Categories
Mental health Miscarriage

Not long ago…was the day I can hopefully get rid of the guilt about killing my brother.

I’m sorry. You were just asleep.

And

Mum told me I killed you.

I’m sorry it’s 15 years ago, i wish I could have been there and said a good bye then. But I didn’t take that option.

It was such a special memorial. The weather was shining and the wind stoped while we where at his grave side. We lit a candle and it stayed lite through out the service.

I was able to read a poem I wrote for him. Listen to two songs that mean so much to me and connect me and my brother.

I feel some comfort, a feather came down at the beginning of the service. Which I think it was my brother saying he is there for me and the service is the right time and I feel forgiven to some extent. I will always have the guilt I’ve me but I love you. Xx

Categories
brother family Mental health Miscarriage scared

You should have swapped places!!

I hate that you were born the same day as my brother.

Why did you get to live and he die!!!

you were born opposite my brother, you are my cousin and I know I shouldn’t hate that you lived and he didn’t but I wish my brother was here.

Every birthday you have I wish he was here and not you. It hurts me seeing you and everything you’re achieving.

I wish you were my beautiful baby brother. My heart will never stop hurting for you.

One day we will meet and we can live in heaven together.

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Mental health

To all the mothers out there.

There are mums who can no longer hold there children, or pets who are still mums. Happy Mother’sDay to you all.

Happy Mother’s Day to those here or looking down from above, to those special dads who are both mum and dad and to all the fur baby (pets) Mummy’s.

Massive love and hug to all those Mummy’s.

Special happy Mother’s day to my mum who I will see later and give you a big hug. Thank you for being there for me through the good and bad times. You never gave up on me even when I put you through hell. I love you mummy.

And

Sending love to heaven to my nan that, I never got long enough with you here on earth.

My Mother’s Day card from cats and baby Dylan.

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Anxiety blogger Emotions family Future Health i did it Mental health mental health blogger Miscarriage nature Pregnancy Pregnant self harm Sisters

TRIGGER WARNING-scars

I’ve self harmed for years, every scar has a story and meaning. They are evidence of surviving and my life. I had this tattoo designed by scratch, the flame symbolising my brother who’s not here, and all three of my sisters chose a flower. So my arm has been changed from showing my scars and story to the love of my family

Tattoo covering my scars up.

First pic my scars… second the design…the finished tattoo.