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I had sepsis and didn’t know.

It started with left chest pain,

Then they thought it was a blood clot due to my D Dimmer blood levels being raised, so I had a blood thinning injection and sent home for a ct scan the next day.

But four hours later, I was being sick, shaking, and running a temperature over 40

I was rushed by ambulance to my nearest a&e.

My blood pressure was so low, sometimes it was so low it couldn’t be read.

I had seven litres of fluid, after 13 attempts of getting a cannula in.

Ideas on 3 antibiotics most intravenous. Through my vein.

It took a while but I slowly started to pick up. My blood pressure came back a bit more normal, and my temperature when to a normal temperature.

I was discharged three days later!

There were no indications that I knew of that I had sepsis. But I nearly died and I’m still here.

Widen your knowledge about sepsis about 40% of people with it die! I wasn’t one of them thanks to the quick work of the nhs and my family!

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DNA letter!!!!!!!!!

So… I received this letter in the post.

I’ve known for a long time I’m being spied on from the nhs, mental health team and the government!

I can’t believe how stupid they have been by sending me a letter explaining that they were going to take my DNA.

I don’t trust them at all.

I need to try and keep myself away from them. But it’s harder that you think.

The post before this showed the bugs in my house that was spying on me.

I’m truly terrified.

I just want to be left alone.

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Titration time


  • Talk of…
    • Self harm,
      Blood tests.

    Today Monday 18th of March 2019 my medication of Clozapine Changing to quetiapine. Im spending the next 3 weeks in the day hospital from 9:30-12:30. I hate it here but if it’s the only way to change my medication then I will push through it.


    • Weight gain
    • Blood tests
    • Dribbling
    • Constipation
    • Levels were too high at one point

    Day one…..

    75 mg morning clozapine

    50mg morning quetiapine

    Same at 5 and bed time for clozapine

    First day. I’ve been in the day hospital over an hour and they have lost my medication, it took them weeks for them to get the medication together and the due date, which is today! So I’m still waiting for them. I’m a little annoyed. Plus I hated the early start. I was there an hour, because no one knew where I was or what I was doing other than taking medication.

    Day 2………..

    Am- clozapine. 50Mg

    Am- quetiapine 100mg

    5pm and bedtime

    Feel really sick and massive head ache. I went and stayed with my family for some of the day which is a big difference to normal. I don’t normally spend much time with them but I needed their support. I’m going to keep trying to get through this. I am strong!

    Day 3………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 200mg

    5pm – clozapine 125mg

    5pm- quetiapine none

    bedtime- clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I was feeling pretty sick yesterday. I had a head ache and been finding it hard to keep my thoughts and feelings hid. I’m really anxious. I spoke to the reverent at the mental health hospital which Ive been going to for my medication. And I trust her and I spoke about how I feel about the spying. I don’t feel safe from the staff at the hospital and I can’t wait until I don’t have to go. I’m feeling better today and I’ve done some house work.

    Day 4………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50 mg

    5pm clozapine 100mg

    5pm quetiapine 200mg

    bedtime clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine none.

    I went today and got the weekend dose so I don’t have to take it with supervision. I went to collect my new glasses and I’ve been brave and went in a few shops. Currently have a bath. I’ve had my 5pm medication two hours early. I just needed some help so thought it might help.

    Day 5………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm-clozapine 75mg

    5pm- quetiapine 300mg

    bedtime-clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine-none

    Spent some time with my family and sisters. They all talked to me which was nice it was very chaotic. Went shopping and tried to sort out presents for my mum.

    Day 6………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm -clozapine- 50mg

    5pm-quetiapine- 350mg

    bedtime- clozapine- 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none.

    I went to a beach, felt like I wanted to jump off the cliff even though I’m not actively suicidal. When I got home I didn’t feel well at all. I had a head ache and felt like I needed to sleep.

    Day 7………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm -clozapine 25mg

    5pm-quetiapine 350mg

    bedtime clozapine-175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine-none

    Had an okay day, met up with my auntie, I went to the gp about my back pain, she is referring me to physio. The weather is nice. I’m not really sure how I’m feeling, I feel nothing, and everything all in once. I want to drink alcohol for the first time I weeks, but I want to try to get to the gym tonight. The voices are extreme, I’m finding it hard to sort my medications out myself as they all come from different boxes. I hate this. The thoughts and feelings are extreme but also non existent. It’s so confusing. Will the voices ever stop? Will the thoughts stop, will the presence stop. I’m really scared and I don’t know where to turn.

    Day 8 ………..

    Am- clozapine. -none

    Am- quetiapine -50 mg

    5pm clozapine -none

    5pm- quetiapine- 450mg

    bedtime -clozapine- 175mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine- none


    Struggling a lot, the voices and spying are extreme. The doctor at the hospital talked to me and was worried things are going bad. I don’t know what to do or think. I’m really scared.

    Day 9………..

    Am- clozapine. -none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm -clozapine- none

    5pm- quetiapine- 500mg

    bedtime clozapine-150mg

    Bedtime quetiapine-none

    Had an appointment with my care co-ordinated, psychiatrist and a nurse about my symptoms and medication. They have decided to slow the clozapine down as I’m experiencing side effects, like the spying and voices. I’m really not happy with this but at least the quetiapine is continue to increase daily.

    I’m at the sanctuary now ready for a spiritual session. Which went really well, there was a lot of people so I was very uncomfortable but the reverent was very reassuring and helped me through it. I just picked up the medication from the reception at the mental health hospital. I wish things went the way I want them too.

    Day 10………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm-clozapine none

    5pm-quetiapine 550mg

    bedtime-clozapine 125mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I got the new medication timetable today. I’m really not happy about it but the psychiatrist is not happy that I’m refusing the blood test next week. I spent the day with my one nearly two year old niece and my sister. I actually had a good time. Got some good pictures. I felt like part of the family. Have really had much time with the nurse that gives me medication and I left straight away I know the plan was to go to a group but I was just too scared too. I might try harder tomorrow. The voices are really strong today but I’m trying to block them out which I think I’ve done really well. No one is aware of what I’m hearing. It’s not pleasant.

    Day 11 ………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine-none

    5pm quetiapine- 550mg

    bedtime clozapine-175mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    I went to the day hospital today to collect my morning medication. I was very scared as there were ants on the floor spying on me and when I was at the bus stop the flies were trying to get in my ears, nose and mouth. It’s made me very parinoid. I also saw an ambulance waiting outside my house I thought they were going to section me and take me away. I’m very suspicious about everything today.

    Day 12………..

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine-none

    5pm quetiapine- 600mg

    bedtime-clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine-none

    I went to the Beach and it was lovely, it helped to keep the voices at bay. I did experience a draining feeling in my body which usually means my blood pressure is low.

    Day 13……….. sunday

    Am- clozapine. none

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 650mg

    bedtime- clozapine 175mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    Today was Mother’s Day, I felt guilty as my family wanted us all to go swimming but I didn’t want them to see my self harm scars so I made up an excuse. I had a ok day spend it with my sister teaching me her favourite song, my niece wanting to play and then pinching me. She wasn’t in a good mood, I’ve never seen her like that before. I don’t think mum liked her presents, but we tried. I came home to some beautiful flowers and four cards, one each for my cat and then one from my baby Dylan. I’m so grateful.

    Day 14……….. Monday 1st

    Am- clozapine .none

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 700mg

    bedtime- clozapine 150mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    Today I went for my morning medication, which I took fine, but they let their guard down and gave me the whole lot. This does mean I could play it and not go in the rest of the week, but I have therapy tomorrow so I think I will tomorrow and then seeing my cpn on Wednesday so I’ve got to go in then too. We will see how I feel.

    Day 15……….. Tuesday 2nd

    Am- clozapine. Mg

    Am- quetiapine mg

    5pm and bedtime

    I had an appointment with my therapist and it went really well. I think it was the best one yet. She really listened to me and my problems. It was chucking down with rail. My sister picked me up afterwads with my niece and uncle. I hardly see my Uncel but he always says I’m the strongest person he knows. We went to a play centre and it was really good. Then we all went to my parents home. We all had pizza and then chilled. I felt pretty low by the end of the day. The voices were really bothering me.

    Day 16……….. Wednesday 3rd

    Am- clozapine-none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm clozapine-none.

    5pm- quetiapine-750mg

    bedtime-clozapine 125mg


    I was meant to see my community psychiatric nurse but I was too late. Then I went to the hospital to take my medication. I said to them I don’t want to come in any more and I’m refusing my blood test. My cpn then called me we had a little chat she said she thinks I’m getting ill again. And asked if I will go into hospital voluntarily, I said no. I then went to the spiritual service. Which I always connect with.

    Day 17……….. Thursday 4th

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm – clozapine none

    5pm- quetiapine 750mg

    bedtime- clozapine- 125mg

    Bedtime- quetiapine none

    I went and took my medication at the hospital and then I left, I then saw my support worker coming out of the road I just walked she went the opposite way and the turned round looking and I hid in the bus stop. And then there was police with there sirens on, following me I just kept hiding and then got on the bus and got home as quick as I could. I’m home right now but I’m really scared.

    Day 18……….. Friday 5th

    Am- clozapine. None

    Am- quetiapine 50mg

    5pm clozapine- none

    5pm – quetiapine- 750mg

    bedtime clozapine- 125mg

    Bedtime quetiapine- none

    The hospital was bad and scary, there was a Spyder watching me. I was as quick as possible and I got home really quickly. I’ve found the best of that really scary. I don’t feel settled. I had to re cut my arm and insert the chip. I’m really anxious about them spying on me. A Bug spying on me at my own home. Im scared.,

    Day 19….. Saturday 6th



    5pm-clozapine- none

    5pm-quetiapine – 750mg

    Bedtime-clozapine – 100mg

    Bedtime-quetiapine- none

    Had an okay day. I went to a supture park. I had also tried to get the chip inside my body. It’s really sore now. I went and had dinner at my parents and found out that my family were going away tomorrow without telling me. I feel pretty bad about that. But I hope they have a safe time. It’s been a mixed emotional day.

    Day 20… Sunday 7th

    am- clozapine -none

    Am- quetiapine -50mg

    5pm- clozapine-none




    I lost track of all blog posts and everything really.

    I was told on the Monday I had a mental health act assessment the next day and this three everything up in the air.

    I’m not finished the whole titration now. I’m on 900mg of quetiapine again. So far it’s working well. I feel better than clozapine.

    The staff were a nightmare. It was also a big problem to try and get my medication to take home sorted. No one knew what was happening and who was giving the medication and how much.

    Now my doctor is meant to be taking over with prescribing my medication, I don’t think she will be able to do it but if not some one from the mental health hospital will have to take over.

    I had also forgot to take my pregabline for over two weeks I think this made my anxiety worse and I had a few withdrawal symptoms while also Changing medication. It’s difficult to know if it was the medication change or withdrawals.

    It also took 5 weeks instead of the original 3 weeks that we thought!

    anorexia Anxiety exercise Food Health healthy Mental health Nhs Over weight Overweight Weight weight gain weight loss weightloss

    When did I get this big?

    I’ve gone from a low weight to overweight and then normal weight… but guess what Im over weight again.

    I hate how I look, I’m really going to try to loose the weight and keep it off this time.

    From right now I’m going to try to loose the weight, I want to loose at least 20pounds. I want to be well in to the healthy weight according to the nhs bmi chart.

    Mental health

    My cpn is amazing.

    I saw my care co-ordinatior today, she was really please to have come second in the staff award ceremony. I nominated her and she going out, she was really grateful.

    She gave me theses mints, and asking if I would be worried about her giving them to me. She is so thoughtful. I gave her a hug to show my gratification, I’m not sure if I’m meant to hug her but I don’t care, she is amazing. I’m so grateful she is involved in my care.

    If you read this…. thank you.

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    Thank you for giving blood, you saved mine and my sisters life.

    Giving blood is so important to saving lives, you never know when you or a relative is going to need it to save lives.

    Your a hero if you give blood, it’s live saving. That makes you a hero in my eyes.

    At 2 my sister was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. (Cancer.) and a blood transfusion saved her many times. So a massive thank you to you!

    I’ve also needed a few blood transfusions and without them I wouldn’t be here right now writing this blog post. I thank you from my heart for saving my life.

    Even though at times I’ve wanted to die, I’m still 100% grateful for you saving my life. I only had my first blood transfusion under a section, and really resisted it, but it made a massive impact to how I physically felt and then my mental health got better.

    I had one a few days ago, and this has made me think about all the hero’s out there. I know I can’t give blood myself but I’m motivated to fundraise for charities and help others in any other way I can.

    Im hoping that, that’s my last blood transfusion and I can help others in any possible way.

    Don’t worry if you can’t give blood you can still be a hero, there are many other ways to save life’s, fundraising, donating to charity, volunteers, working on research or working for charity’s that fund research.

    anorexia Anxiety Carer Cpn Daily update delusions depression Disappointment Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder hallucinations Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis scared Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Therapy Voices

    What is a day like on an acute psychiatric ward?

    I bet you won’t believe this is an acute psychiatric ward, but let me tell you what this ward is like.

    It is a secure locked acute psychiatric ward. It’s where you go if you are quite mentally unwell.
    At about 7am we all get woken for breakfast, but honestly most of us go back to sleep, throughout the night someone checks on us every hour, it depends which staff do the checks some just look through the glass frosted window others do that and turn the full bright light on. Helpful I know. Sleep is important to recovery. 

    Anyway after that its medication time around 9 am, I like getting there early to miss the cue of 19 other patients.

    Then if we want escorted leave we can go to a planning meeting, for a member of staff and a time to be set for escorted leave, which means a member of staff has to come with you, especially if your on a section, for your first few leaves.

    There are a lot of Alarms going off, basically if a member of staff who’s doing the hourly checks on patients sees something worrying or bad like agitation or self harm, the alarm will be pulled it’s on every member of staffs keyring, and then staff go running to the room where the alarm was pulled. Usually there’s a lot of shouting especially if the alarm was pulled for someone trashing their room. These alarms happen a lot and are very unsettling.

    Then there is visiting time.

    Then Lunch, which is usually be pre made sandwiches.

    Then Medication again. 

    Sometimes if the Occupational therapist is in she will come and open the art room, so we can do something creative or if it’s the day the dog comes in we will pet the dog.

    There are also Three tv rooms, one massive one then two more private ones. But if you want to change the channel good luck trying to find the remote.

    There are Two quiet rooms

    To your surprise we have our own bedroom with own shower/toilet/ sink. With a paper curtain, no doors and a shelf for clothes. We can have a personal key to lock it. We can access it at any time day or night.
    Windows strong and mental so can’t get out

    There is a beautiful garden which can be accessed through the canteen or through the large to room. It’s got really high metal fences, and there are flower arrangements which are so pretty.

    Visiting hours are very strict your only allowed in the dinning room, and through to the garden or the Hub which is a oval shaped room in the middle of the ward, there is sofas, chairs, tables and a table tennis table. It’s pretty relaxed in there. There are three visiting hours a day.

    I stress so much about ward round, the days and times are changed nearly every week. It’s very unsettling. I’ve also now been told my consultant is off for two weeks, causes so much anxiety. In ward round your able to talk about possible medication changes, any side effects from medications and about possible leave/discharge.

    You can come in to the hospital two ways. Under a Sectioned or as a Voluntary patient. The main difference is leave, if you have chose to be here you can go out on leave alone a lot more than if you are sectioned. Also if your voluntary then you can ask to discharge your self, they can say no and if you still adiment your going, they can section you. I feel there isn’t too much difference.

    Leave can be given by your consultant if your sectioned and most likely it will be escorted leave, someone with you at all times. But if your in here voluntary then you can just ask the nurses if you can go when you want between 10am and 8pm, sometimes they may say no and if you are still wanting to go they can section you for a few hours/day to prevent you leaving the ward.

    Cleaners come round everyday. They are meant to hoover, and mop the floor and clean the bathroom. And also they do the communal areas too.

    Everyday your meant to be offered your One to one with your named nurse for that day.

    Care plan is given to you when you’ve been on the ward a few days and the nurses, doctors and consultants can have an input on what needs to be worked on while on the ward and things you may need help with.

    Observation levels will depend on how much of a risk the staff think you are. These can change from being 2:1 which is two staff with you at all times. Then 1:1 which is one stag always with you, then level 3 this means every 15 ministers your meant to be checked on, or level 4 is when your checked on hourly. These are good opportunities to ask the staff for help if you aren’t brace enough to leave your room.

    What you can and cant have here…

    They are very strict about what you can and can’t have. I’m not going to go in to detail because I don’t want to give others any ideas.

    Around the ward there are really nice pictures. I think there meant to give hope and to show you beauty.

    The ward I was in your allowed to have phones but they get charged in a cupboard.

    I know all wards are different, so there may not be the same things I’ve described.

    I hope you all stay well and I’m here if you need to talk.

    Anxiety Cpn Mental health

    I’ve nominated you.

    I know you may never find out, but your a brilliant community psychiatric nurse. That’s why I’ve voted for you.

    You’ve changed my life in a positive way.

    I hope you win. Your the best.

    Mental health

    Hey followers, I need your help?

    Hey, hope your well? 

    Do you have any ideas of tag and catagories I could/should use? I need help want to reach more people. My posts are realated to mental health, and cats. 
    Keep fighting. Xxxx

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    Day 4 of being sectioned.

    My first few days started off okay was a few blips, but I felt with it okay. 

    On day two at night things came to much it all built up so much with the thoughts going around and around and the voices taking control that I could no longer control it. I harmed and the alarms were pulled, I did it four times, they had to literally drag me away from the wall. I hate myself for that choice. Since I’ve been put back on level 3 which is where you have no privacy and your followed everywhere, always a member of staff with you one to one. 

    Yesterday I spoke to my main nurse she was great and had a brilliant idea of when you get worked up go in to the garden and listen to music, shower etc, some good points which I had not thought about. I have no thoughts of harming I just want my medication to be better and then to get out. I want to do a skydive when I get out to make a statement that I want to live my life to the fullest.

    I had my first shower last night, it felt amazing. I’m in clean clothes and I’m sat writing this post hoping they will get a doctor so my observations can be re thought about, I would like some privacy. 

    I need my medication to be sorted, there’s no point being here if they won’t even put me on the correct medication. I’m hoping by getting an advocate this will really help. My point just doesn’t seem to get listen too. Feeling a bit confused at what the point of me being here is if they don’t up my medication.
    I miss my cats.