31 day blog challenge anorexia Anxiety depression Emotionally unstable personality disorder Medication Mental health Personality disorder Schizophrenia Therapy

Day 20- Diagnosis

Over the years my diagnosis have changed, mainly due to recovering from them, when I was younger I was diagnosed with,


ocd and


I was treated with antidepressants and had a lot of cbt, (cognitive behavioural therapy.) and weekly meetings with my child and adolescents services. The crisis team were involved a lot, but never found them helpful.

I recovered from depression and coped with ocd through therapy and medication.

Anorexia took a little bit longer to recover from I guess when I was 19 I would say I started to recover by eating in front of people and learning to eat in public.

But I soon discovered alcohol and my weight was still an issue in my head but I don’t remember being anorexic and then overweight. It felt like it happened overnight. But now I’m able to look back on pictures and see that it was the alcohol. I was drinking so much alcohol that I was having twice the daily limit of calories. I was soon over weight and currently still am. Although I lost 50 lbs since this time last year, I slipped back down the alcohol spiral a few months ago and that 50lbs is back on.

Currently I am diagnosed with


schizophrenia and

emotionally unstable personality disorder.

I’m currently taking medication to keep my symptoms under control, and I am supposed to be started on the strongest antipsychotic currently around. I’m hoping this will help me more. As I’m currently not getting enough relief from the one I’m on. I’ve had a few sessions of therapy but the nhs only give you 20 session and that’s not enough to get into deep emotions, symptoms and behaviours.

So I will carry on fighting.

I’ve only included the diagnosis. I have not included any symptoms. I don’t want to trigger any one, so I won’t be including these and the ways I learn to self cope. If I thought they were helpful I would.

I also haven’t included any physical illnesses as my blog is mainly about mental illness.

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What is a day like on an acute psychiatric ward?

I bet you won’t believe this is an acute psychiatric ward, but let me tell you what this ward is like.

It is a secure locked acute psychiatric ward. It’s where you go if you are quite mentally unwell.
At about 7am we all get woken for breakfast, but honestly most of us go back to sleep, throughout the night someone checks on us every hour, it depends which staff do the checks some just look through the glass frosted window others do that and turn the full bright light on. Helpful I know. Sleep is important to recovery. 

Anyway after that its medication time around 9 am, I like getting there early to miss the cue of 19 other patients.

Then if we want escorted leave we can go to a planning meeting, for a member of staff and a time to be set for escorted leave, which means a member of staff has to come with you, especially if your on a section, for your first few leaves.

There are a lot of Alarms going off, basically if a member of staff who’s doing the hourly checks on patients sees something worrying or bad like agitation or self harm, the alarm will be pulled it’s on every member of staffs keyring, and then staff go running to the room where the alarm was pulled. Usually there’s a lot of shouting especially if the alarm was pulled for someone trashing their room. These alarms happen a lot and are very unsettling.

Then there is visiting time.

Then Lunch, which is usually be pre made sandwiches.

Then Medication again. 

Sometimes if the Occupational therapist is in she will come and open the art room, so we can do something creative or if it’s the day the dog comes in we will pet the dog.

There are also Three tv rooms, one massive one then two more private ones. But if you want to change the channel good luck trying to find the remote.

There are Two quiet rooms

To your surprise we have our own bedroom with own shower/toilet/ sink. With a paper curtain, no doors and a shelf for clothes. We can have a personal key to lock it. We can access it at any time day or night.
Windows strong and mental so can’t get out

There is a beautiful garden which can be accessed through the canteen or through the large to room. It’s got really high metal fences, and there are flower arrangements which are so pretty.

Visiting hours are very strict your only allowed in the dinning room, and through to the garden or the Hub which is a oval shaped room in the middle of the ward, there is sofas, chairs, tables and a table tennis table. It’s pretty relaxed in there. There are three visiting hours a day.

I stress so much about ward round, the days and times are changed nearly every week. It’s very unsettling. I’ve also now been told my consultant is off for two weeks, causes so much anxiety. In ward round your able to talk about possible medication changes, any side effects from medications and about possible leave/discharge.

You can come in to the hospital two ways. Under a Sectioned or as a Voluntary patient. The main difference is leave, if you have chose to be here you can go out on leave alone a lot more than if you are sectioned. Also if your voluntary then you can ask to discharge your self, they can say no and if you still adiment your going, they can section you. I feel there isn’t too much difference.

Leave can be given by your consultant if your sectioned and most likely it will be escorted leave, someone with you at all times. But if your in here voluntary then you can just ask the nurses if you can go when you want between 10am and 8pm, sometimes they may say no and if you are still wanting to go they can section you for a few hours/day to prevent you leaving the ward.

Cleaners come round everyday. They are meant to hoover, and mop the floor and clean the bathroom. And also they do the communal areas too.

Everyday your meant to be offered your One to one with your named nurse for that day.

Care plan is given to you when you’ve been on the ward a few days and the nurses, doctors and consultants can have an input on what needs to be worked on while on the ward and things you may need help with.

Observation levels will depend on how much of a risk the staff think you are. These can change from being 2:1 which is two staff with you at all times. Then 1:1 which is one stag always with you, then level 3 this means every 15 ministers your meant to be checked on, or level 4 is when your checked on hourly. These are good opportunities to ask the staff for help if you aren’t brace enough to leave your room.

What you can and cant have here…

They are very strict about what you can and can’t have. I’m not going to go in to detail because I don’t want to give others any ideas.

Around the ward there are really nice pictures. I think there meant to give hope and to show you beauty.

The ward I was in your allowed to have phones but they get charged in a cupboard.

I know all wards are different, so there may not be the same things I’ve described.

I hope you all stay well and I’m here if you need to talk.

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I can’t live with out this, but it could also kill me. 

Trigger warning:
I’m willing to take that risk. 


” you have so much to live for.”

“You can’t leave your family behind to deal with your death.”


Does anyone care about me, and how I feel. I don’t choose to be or feel like this. So unless you understand what it’s like to hear voices that want you to kill yourself and have so much anxiety you are terrified of everything, then please don’t say anything to me! You haven’t lived my life. 

anorexia Anxiety Cpn delusions depression Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions hallucinations Health healthy hospital Medication Mental health Mental health act Nhs Personality disorder psychiatrist Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Support worker Therapy

Treating mental illness.

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with a mental illness, what treatment was offered to you?  Did you have to find your own private support, or was it available on the NHS? Was it long or good enough? Was it what you expected? 

Many of the things the NHS says they offer for most mental illnesses are,

  • TalkingTherapy, 
  • Medication,
  • Inpatient Hospital treatment,
  • Regular cpn meetings,
  • Crisis teams,
  • Day hospitals,
  • Support workers,
  • Calls,
  • Smaritains/ phone call.

What is the best, what have you been offered, were you offered anything else, did you go privately or through NHS?

What was the thing that helped you the most? Are you in to recovery and If so how did you start/reach recovery. 

Stay strong. 

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Which diagnosis affects me the most…?

That’s a challenging question but one I believe will be good to think about. First of all what are my diagnoses…

Recovered from:

  • Anorexia
  • OCD
  • Depression

Currently struggling with

  • Anxiety
  • Emotionally unstable personality disorder 
  • Schizophrenia.

I know I say I’m recovered from anorexia but it still does trouble me to this day, I struggle to eat infront of people and some foods, I still stick to some of the actions, beliefs and rituals that come with this controlling illness. I am just over healthy weight with my bmi but my brain still thinks and acts like an anorexic. I am currently trying to loose weight and I’m not doing it in a sensible way. But that’s me all or nothing. I piled on the weight of 5 stone in a matter of months, this was due to my antipsychotic medications and lots of alcohol which I used to self medicate when my medication wasn’t working and controlling my symptoms. 

I believe I’m fully recovered from the depression, sometimes I do think I’m heading back down that road but I always manage to pull myself back.

And OCD currently does not control my life, I do have something’s like checking my plate before food goes on to it, and the door being a certain place to sleep, but I don’t believe these effect my daily living too much. 

Anxiety, well I’ve lived with anxiety since I was very younger my family members have commented on how anxious I was from a very young age. I suffer with debilitating anxiety most days. I am unable to leave my flat alone and do tasks people my age to, for example, going shopping, or talking to people. It effects every corner of my life and it’s very distressing. I do have medication to help me, but some days the anxiety is just so high it doesn’t help. I’m very paranoid, I listen out for every sound and any noises I can hear from outside my door. People must think I’m nosy but in reality I’m so fearful of being hurt I’m just always on high alert. I would say anxiety is a massive factor in my life right now.

Personality disorder, I’m not really sure how this effects me, I think I need to do some research on what are the symptoms and why I was diagnosed with it. In bold is what I found on mind website, I will write below what I believe I have from this discription. 

  • feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening. 
  • have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident in the morning to feeling low and sad in the afternoon). 
  • not have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you’re with. 
  • find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships. 
  • act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously). 
  • have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour. 
  • feel empty and lonely a lot of the time. 
  • get very angry, and struggle to control your anger. 
  • When very stressed, sometimes you might:  
  •  feel paranoid. 
  • have psychotic experiences, such as seeing or hearing things that other people don’t.
  •  feel numb or ‘checked out’ and not remember things properly after they’ve happened

I do not feel worried about people abondoning me, I guess I’m really the opposite I like to be alone. I do have a range of emotions, that can change,I know who I am, but I do change compared to who I am with, I think that is down to feeling more comfortable with some and not others. I have stable relationships. I do sometimes act impulsively. Yes I get suicidal and self harm. I do not struggle to control anger as I rarely feel anger. I do feel paranoid, I’ve been told I see and hear things that others don’t, which I’m not sure if they are lying and can really hear the voices, and spiders. I do sometimes feel checked out but I do that on purpose it’s not something that I’m out of control with. I can see that I do relate to some of the criteria in which they have probably diagnosed me with, but in all honesty I don’t believe I have this illness. 

, this is what mind say about schizophrenia.

  • a lack of interest in things
  • feeling disconnected from your feelings
  • difficulty concentrating
  • wanting to avoid people
  • hallucinations
  • hearing voices
  • delusions
  • feeling like you need to be protected.

I do have a lack of interest in some things, I used to love dance and drawing, which I have no interest for any more. I do sometimes feel disconnected from my feelings, which is hard to explain. I definitely have difficulty concentrating, it’s taking me hours to do this, because I keep loosing my train of thought, and the voicesinterrupting. I do want to avoid most people. I have been told that some of the things I see others can’t. People tell me that they can’t see the spyders I see and sometimes the people following me. I do hear voices and I’ve heard them for a very long time, but recently God has been speaking to me, which is so special, I love it when we have a conversation. I have got used to them although sometimes it does get unbearable. Delusions, I’ve been told again that I have delusions, they said the spying isn’t real, and that my body isn’t invincible, although I know it is, so they must be lying to me, the only reason I could think they would lie to me about it is because they are part of the spying.  I do feel like I need protection but I don’t really feel protected that is why I don’t put myself in situations where I would need to be protected, for example leaving my flat alone, I know there are too many spies that I wouldn’t be able to fight off.

So after looking up what the symptoms are and connecting with most of them, is abit scary but I really don’t know what I have and don’t have. 

Anyway coming back to the question of which diagnosis affects me the most, I don’t really know. I guess they all play there own parts.