I had Ward round yesterday, didn’t go as planned I was 100% hopeful I was going to be discharged. I was on level three someone with me at all times. I went in to the ward round believeing I was going home because all the staff that had been me told me I could probably go home. So going in there and coming out with better medication plan, and a plan to possibly someleave if my level two goes okay, so now I’m only checked every 15 minutes, but honestly they don’t keep to that they do it when ever they want roughly around once an hour. So I finally have Privacy to go to the toilet, it’s seriously a luxury.
It will only take one stone to fall and destroy all current progress.
My first few days started off okay was a few blips, but I felt with it okay.
On day two at night things came to much it all built up so much with the thoughts going around and around and the voices taking control that I could no longer control it. I harmed and the alarms were pulled, I did it four times, they had to literally drag me away from the wall. I hate myself for that choice. Since I’ve been put back on level 3 which is where you have no privacy and your followed everywhere, always a member of staff with you one to one.
Yesterday I spoke to my main nurse she was great and had a brilliant idea of when you get worked up go in to the garden and listen to music, shower etc, some good points which I had not thought about. I have no thoughts of harming I just want my medication to be better and then to get out. I want to do a skydive when I get out to make a statement that I want to live my life to the fullest.
I had my first shower last night, it felt amazing. I’m in clean clothes and I’m sat writing this post hoping they will get a doctor so my observations can be re thought about, I would like some privacy.
I need my medication to be sorted, there’s no point being here if they won’t even put me on the correct medication. I’m hoping by getting an advocate this will really help. My point just doesn’t seem to get listen too. Feeling a bit confused at what the point of me being here is if they don’t up my medication.
I miss my cats.
I’ve been sectioned under section two of the mental health act.
I was going to a routine appointment with my psychiatrist and cpn, then they went out the room and brought mental health act assessments in. And you guessed it I’m now detained under the mental health act. In a mental hospital that I can’t leave, I could be here for 28 days, one day down.
I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on.
I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication.
Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like.
I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.
No one understands!
They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in.
These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for.
There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed.
They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die.
I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared.
They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others.
The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me!
God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil.
My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital.
I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.
Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control.
I’m not really sure what my plan is from here.
The voices have been so bad, I can control them.
I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?!
I’ve had so many terrible things happen with the emergancy services being involved.
I’ve never been arrested or in trouble in that sense, just being 136 sectioned by them, which is a section police can use to get you to a place of safety if your in the community and they think your suffering with a mental illness. This has happen countless amount of times.
It makes me very anxious and had flashbacks when I see them. Even if I know they aren’t coming for me I still get this horrible sinking feeling in my body. It’s terrifying.
I’ve had ambulances pick me up after drinking so much I was unconscious, so many because of overdoses, and times where the courts got involved and took me to my local mental health hospital.
The police have been envolved with sectioning me, I’ve had dog units around me waiting to get taken to hospital, I’ve had them smash my front door down thinking I was harming in my flat, (I wasn’t even in the flat.) I’ve called them for incidents that I thought were really happening but according to cctv there was no one there, I was hallucinating people outside my window with guns. I really thought it was real. I can’t trust anything I see now.
I get so scared when I see the emergency services especially when the sirens and blue lights are on.
I don’t think I will ever get over this.
I’m falling deeper and deeper in to this cycle of things getting so much worse. The voices,the thoughts, the sleep, the fatness… it’s all too much.
So first is first, medication. I’ve been taking a lot of different medications to get through the day. I’ve literally been overdosing every day for the last two weeks. But I don’t feel any physical effects from it. But today, so far I’ve only taken the correct medication. I don’t know if this is the right choice, I’m not sure how I’m going to cope, or what I might feel. I’m really scared
I’m meant to be seeing my support worker soon, and I don’t know if I should tell her what’s been going on, or not, she is the only person available from my whole care team.