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Mental health mental health blogger

You have no idea how much emotional pain I’m in.

I’m really struggling, can you not see that.

Am I here, can you see me.

Can you hear my thoughts.

Can you save me,

Please.

Categories
Mental health mental health blogger

Pain but not the same as self inflicted.

I burnt myself cooking soup. Yes it is possible.

But I self harm, the pain from the soup didn’t satisfy me.

I don’t really know where I stand.

Why ?

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brother family Mental health Miscarriage scared

You should have swapped places!!

I hate that you were born the same day as my brother.

Why did you get to live and he die!!!

you were born opposite my brother, you are my cousin and I know I shouldn’t hate that you lived and he didn’t but I wish my brother was here.

Every birthday you have I wish he was here and not you. It hurts me seeing you and everything you’re achieving.

I wish you were my beautiful baby brother. My heart will never stop hurting for you.

One day we will meet and we can live in heaven together.

Categories
Mental health

I saw him!!!!

I’ve dreaded this day since the day you hurt me. I know there would be the day but not this soon.

I saw you and I know you saw me.

I will not give in to you. I’m scared of you but I don’t want to let that control me or my actions.

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angry Anxiety Dad Daily update Disappointment Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family Future Lonely Mental health Mum scared self harm Sisters

Family? 

I texted them all today, saying I loved them. Only dad replied but wanted to know if everything was okay as I don’t normally just text that. I lied and said all was okay.

So they all think I’m okay. My sister has completely blocked me on everything, which has hit me hard. Mum said it’s my fault as I put on Facebook about having to go to hospital. And she isn’t old enough for things like that, by the way she is 16 years old. My sister told me the other day she was talking to a friend who wanted to kill them selves so how can she deal with that but not deal with me saying I was in hospital. It’s just there excuse. To cover up the real reason that they don’t want me in their life! 

I’ve deactivated my Facebook. I will escape everything in there. I rang there home phone about 30 minutes ago and the sister that’s blocked me answered, I asked her a few questions I either got silence or an answer I didn’t want to hear. So from that I decided that actually I don’t get included in anything to do with them as a family, no one really cares or knows whether I’m alive unless I text them first. So I’ve texted mum saying I no long want to be hurt and left out so I’m taking the step to remove myself from my family. It’s the only way I can see things being able to cope. 

Things aren’t great and I hate everything about myself. 

Categories
Anxiety Health Medication Mental health

10th December 2004.

I remember this date very well. It was the date I finnally agreed to go to the doctors after being sick for over a week. It was the day the doctor contacted the hospital and I needed to go straight there. My parents gave me the option of telling my sister aged 9 who was at her school disco and I said no, my other sister was only 3 going through cancer. I remember asking her if cannulas hurt as she had had so many. It was the day I had my burst appendix removed. I was so scared, and In so much pain, but no one would believe me even though I was throwing up bile all the time. My mum still said to me just before the opperateion, if your not telling the truth you need to say now because they are going to cut you open. I was terrified enough without my mum scaring me more. I wasn’t 100% aware of what was going on I was given morphine and taken down to theatre. It was there I asked the nurse when can I have a drink and she said when you wake up. Then counting down from 10, I got to 7 and was asleep. The next thing I know is I was waking up at 3am, wanting to see my sister. I don’t remember being in much pain. I slept on and off that night, I was only 11 and mum was able to stay in hospital with me. I remember the next morning my dad and sisters and cousin came to see me, I was so happy to see them, my sister aged 9 was a little upset I didn’t get her from the disco so she didn’t get to see me before I went to theatre. She went to sit on the bed and I had to ask her to get off I was in so much pain when the bed moved. I then remember the Surgon coming over and saying there were some complications. It had been burst for a few days and the poison from the appendix was destroying my inside, but they manage to wash most of it out and they were hopeful for no complication, but that’s not how it went. I remember them coming to change the dressing and I went to sit up and look and he pushed me back down and said don’t look, you can see inside of you, where it hadn’t healed well. Then a week later I was discharged just before Christmas, I was back in I had pockets of fluid in my stomach which were causing pain and infection, from where they cleaned me out, luckily they were able to sort that out and I was home a few days before Christmas. Then the day after Boxing Day I was back in hospital, I had caught the super bug clostridium difficile, which meant back in to hospital and I couldn’t see my 3 year old sister with cancer, after a few weeks of being treated I was allowed to see her again, and it was a massive shock I cried she had no hair and looked really ill. From there I had a few days off school then back to normalish family life.