I’ve been sectioned under section two of the mental health act.
I was going to a routine appointment with my psychiatrist and cpn, then they went out the room and brought mental health act assessments in. And you guessed it I’m now detained under the mental health act. In a mental hospital that I can’t leave, I could be here for 28 days, one day down.
I’ve not been taking the full does of medication. It’s making things reallly difficult but I’m still not in the belief that the medication will fix how I feel and things that are going on.
I’ve nearly halved my antipsychotic medication, I’ve been messing round with anxiety medication and my hear medication.
Honestly, I’m struggling more than I show to everyone. Every second of every minute the voices are really tournamenting me, commanding me to hurt myself, and to end my life. As you can probably guess I’m still alive so I haven’t listened to them as much as they would like.
I’m scared, and I can not cope any more, but I’m not willing to do what everyone thinks will help and take the medication, I don’t believe it will help or solve the problems I’m up against right now.
No one understands!
They are spying on me through the windows and spyders and bugs somehow getting in.
These are reporting to the mental health team, government and the devil. They are in control of the spying. They know what there looking for.
There after my DNA to clone me. And will probably keep me in some kind of prison. They wouldn’t want me escaping it’s to risky for them, for there cover to be exposed.
They want me because my body is invincible. I can’t die. It’s physically impossible for my body to die.
I’m terrified because where ever I go I’m in danger. I’m scared.
They want me to take medication but I’m not sure why. Maybe to put bugs in my body to record where I am. And to make me not realise what there up too. I’m not ill so why would I need medication. My body works differently from others.
The Voices are warning me and telling when I’m being followed, they are also telling me to cut and drain. I’m scared of them because they want me to do things I don’t want to do. I’m glad there warning me, maybe they are helping me!
God is really important, he talks to me. He gives me hope that they will stop spying on me and that God can fight off the devil.
STOP SPYING ON ME!!!!! 
My cpn turned up 50 minutes late as it was a home visit. And stayed 9 minutes. A record. Also not seeing her next week because I have an ecg and blood test, so collecting medication from the mental hospital.
I know she is plotting against me all of the above is proof of what’s going on.
Spoke to the reverent at the hospital today over the phone. We talked about harming. Which today I did. I didn’t tell my cpn, she didn’t ask, and I need to stay in control.
I’m not really sure what my plan is from here.
The voices have been so bad, I can control them.
I want no contact with anyone, I don’t trust them! Who can I trust, I’m scared?!
This safe space is currently in the bed room although I’m hoping to make it so that it’s easy to move depending on where I feel safe at the time.
So far it’s got a massive Bean bag, it’s so comfy and it mould a to my body so i feel safe and held.
I’m adding my blanket to it. I’ve got a really soft big blanket with the writing saying “Rosie, Fearless and Free.”
I’ve included a Teddy that I got when I went on holiday years and years ago with my family to Florida. It’s simba from the lion king, wrapped in a leaf. It’s so soft and perfect to cuddle.
The Pillow I’m including is a personalised pillow if my cats, with love typed on to it.
I’ve got a nightlight cat which is always on at night, it’s got teo settings that it can be on white light which is the option I choose or it can be changing multicoloured. I also have a relaxing water and wave light which you can choose the colour.
Relaxing music, I have a play list that I’m still adding to of songs that help me to relax and be calm. I’m choosing them carefully because it’s very easy to get memory’s and flashbacks of things my brain has related to a song.
I’m planning on adding Photos that are calming and nice. Especially ones if family and cats. Probably mostly just photos I’ve taken, and when I look at them they take me to a good place.
Is my anxiety caused by my schizophrenia and psychotic symptoms? Or something else which then makes my psychosis worse.
There’s a lot of debating in my care team to the questions above?
Since my antipsychotic medication has been upped I had this burst of confidence, I went out alone a few times, I’ve taken my newspaper down at most windows, and I don’t feel paranoid about being spyed on and in danger all the time. So I guess the medication is doing what it should be. But after about four weeks my anxiety is creeping up again, I feel scared to go out, I’m feeling anxious in my flat about any noise or movement. I feel really on edge, much different to a few weeks ago. But I’m not sure why I am anxious?
What is making me anxious?
Is it knowing there’s loads of changes coming up or am I getting paranoid again?
The voices are making me anxious about certain things, they are warning me about the pain I cause others and that others would be better off with out me. They are saying people are out to get me, which does make me anxious, but is this the only/main thing making me anxious?
If you have any insight in to this please message me I’m feeling really alone and uncertain.
Why am I anxious?
What makes me anxious?
Is it the psychosis and schizophrenia making me anxious?
Or is it the anxiety making my schizophrenia and psychosis worse?
Which medication is best?
Is there any other methods or things I can try that isn’t medication to help sort my anxiety?
Please help. Feel free to messsge me, I really need support,
rosiestar11@yahoo.co.uk
I went in to a very busy shop, a triggering song came on, I just had to continue to look at my list and focus on getting the shopping. There were people everywhere. Too much going on. Very anxious.
When I get in to situations like these, I panic. I need someone beside me to tell me everything is okay and help keep me focused. If there’s no one I trust next to me I panic even more. My mind goes in to a world of its own, I get scared to move, and can’t decide what I should do next. I get really flustered and worked up. I hate it. I wish I could do things like go to a shop on my own but I just can’t cope. One day maybe. But anyway I’m home now and today’s shopping experience can go behind me.
I managed to do it, I got out the flat. I went to my local shop, on my own! I did it. I haven’t done that in years. I was scared the whole time, nearly fainted multiple times, because of my anxiety, breathing and shaking. I’m still in shock. I can’t believe I’ve done it.
Had an okay day spoke to my gp, need an untrasound scan for my tummy and I saw my cpn for the first time in weeks, spoke about maybe going on clozapine, lots of anxiety around that, so I need some research and any advice is welcome? Went to see my family. Think I’m going to harm voices really driving me crazy tonight. 
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 