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How inpatient is going.

I’ve been in hospital nearly 3 weeks now.

There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.

Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.

It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.

I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.

I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.

I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!

Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.

My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.

On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.

The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.

So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.

It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.

I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.

Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.

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Mental health update.

So I haven’t done a proper mental health update for a while and as it’s coming to the end of the year I’m going too do an update.

I have been sectioned twice in the last few months. I’m now out of hospital after a pretty traumatic time in there!

Since coming out of hospital I’ve stopped my medication.

I’ve put on three stone since being inpatient and put on medication.

I was eating all the foods I fancied and this made me gain so much weight so quickly as well as basically sat on my bed all day everyday. Also put back on too antipsychotic medication.

So since I’ve came out of hospital I weighed myself and I was so shocked! I’ve started diet pills and my gp referred me to slimming world which I start tomorrow.

I’ve stopped the antipsychotic medication and I’m currently doing ok. I’m going to my meetings, keeping myself active everyday and trying to push though all the bad thoughts and voices!

I went too a private Therapist to start therapy but I’ve decided I want to wait a bit. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about my past and trauma, even though I feel it’s holding me back!

Unfortunately I’ve started drinking too much Alcohol. This is probably not helping with my weight!

I’m looking forward to Christmas this year! I’m trying to make it a brilliant time for my family! I know it’s going to be really tricky and I’m going to get upset with my mums behaviour, but I want to make my family happy so I’m going to try my best to stay strong!

I’m really trying so hard to get along with my Family!

So I guess that’s where I’m up too!

I hope you all have a good Christmas and stay safe!

I’m here for anyone if you want to talk or struggling!

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Update… sectioned!

Sorry for lack of updates and the long post!

I’ve been sectioned on section 2 of the mental health act.

I’m not 100% sure why other than refusing antipsychotic medications!

Since being in this psychiatric hospital on a locked ward I’ve escaped twice and needed escorted to a & e by two members of staff due to concussion!

Day one I was in seclusion with a rip proof dress and blanket, NOTHING ELSE! I was stripped naked in front of lots of staff restraining me! I was in seclusion because I was upset and angry about being in hospital. I was there for over 5 hours in a locked room! IT WAS HORRIBLE!

I only managed to get out if I accepted to take Olanzapine and my other night medications. They said if I didn’t take it I would be injected! So I took it.

I was then showed to my room, EVERYTHING searched! I will admit they were useless I’ve got things I wouldn’t allow a patient to have, but I’ve been strong and not used them yet!

I then threw up the medication on purpose but I don’t think I got it all because I started getting really sleepy and dizzy! I started walking around the ward shouting I want the antidote! I then fell asleep.

When I woke there was spyders everywhere, I was terrified! I don’t know which ones were real. There was one in the light which I think I’ve already posted a photo of!

I don’t remember much about the first week, I know I was scared. I was throwing up the medication, refusing to eat and drink anything that wasn’t sealed and brought in from outside the hospital!

Currently I’m taking all the medication that is prescribed and I’m eating and drinking from sealed drinks and foods.

In the first week I’ve been restrained a number of times, from escaping from the first door and hurting myself due to the voices being too overwhelming. They kept threatening to inject me but thankfully they haven’t!

I am Appealing my section and I’ve met a solicitor.

Care plan is interesting as since I’ve read it it says diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia but earlier in the week I was told I no longer have a psychotic illness, so I’m not really sure what’s going on or whats wrong with me, if anything!

The Voices have been pretty bad. I’m struggling to cope with them, but I’m using prn (lorazepam) and writing all the time. I’ve always got music playing!

Visions are starting me in not sure what is real or not.

Spying feels like it’s got worse probably due to the fact the hospital I’m in I think we’re and are the ones spying on me.

I will try to keep updating regularly.

Hope your all ok! Xxxx

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Medication change. Any experiences?

On Monday my medication is changing. its changing from 500 mg of clozapine to 800mg of quetiapine. i’ve been on quetiapine before but never come of clozapine as well.

They are hoping to do it with in 8 weeks.

For this time i have to stay at the locale mental health day hospital. i hate it there and everyone is telling me they think i will go in to crisis, this is scaring me and making me anxious and i don’t want to  be admitted to the ward and or sectioned. This not going to end well but i need my medication changed. i’m hoping it will help with weight loss and my bad thoughts. i think things are already getting bad, am i the only one who can understand how i feel.

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Voices very inconsistent

Since starting clozapine the voices are very inconsistent.

Before starting clozapine the voices were with me all most every minute of the day, now it’s so inconsistent. I’ve heard the pretty bad yesterday and today.

I’m trying to stay in control.

I feel I need some thing to release then.

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Day 8. Clozapine. 30.10.17

Saw my support work on the way in to the hospital today. She had been off for a week. Hopefully going to catch up with her later on in the week.

Today my blood pressure was up, I heard talking while having it done increases your blood pressure, it worked.

I’m on 75mg today. And also they have upped the rate of it increasing so I don’t have to wait an extra day so tomorrow it goes up by 50mg in the evening and 75mg in the morning.

I feel a little bit suspicious about everyone, I’m also struggling with the voices and being told to harm. I’m not sure how long I can hold out.

I’m staying here an hour, and then going home until later when I’m having my weekly blood test and blood pressure check.

I’m trying my best to keep hydrated but it’s difficult, I’m not used to drinking a lot, but I’m trying my best, already had a litre and it’s 9:45am.

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Blog post on schizophrenia for Rethink.

Rethink is a mental health charity mainly based in the uk.

They were asking for information and being able to speak to people who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I thought I’d share my story, with all the good and bad.

I remember I had been sectioned under the mental health act. I was 21, and this wasn’t the first time or the last time I was sectioned. I’ve lost count of which admission it was.

I was sat on my inpatient bed after a ward round. I was so confused about what had been said. A nurse doing the 15 minute checks on me could see I was distressed. I thought I had spiders crawling over me, I was trying to shake them off, then the nurse came and asked if I was okay and what was I distressed about.

She was trying to calm me down by saying there were no spiders, and I was seeing them because I have schizophrenia. Honestly, I really wasn’t sure what was real or not. She could have made it up but it turns out it was the spiders that weren’t real. The nurse asked if I wanted any information on it, I said yes and asked when was I diagnosed?

She said don’t you remember, you were just told in your ward round. I honestly couldn’t remember.

The nurse brought in some information and sat on my bed trying to explain it, I can’t remember any of it. I was so disconnected that I didn’t have a clue what was going on. Looking back on it now I must have been really scared.

Since that day the label of schizophrenia has been pulling me in every direction possible.

There are good and bad days. I speak to God which I see as positive, I feel special and I feel it’s an extra layer of protection from the experiences of being spied on (which I have been told is a delusion and that no one is spying on me, but I don’t believe them).

Some of the other spymptoms I experience due to this illness can be really scary, This makes me feel that I no longer want to live. I won’t go through them one by one as there’s loads of information from charities and the NHS about schizophrenia.

Writing this is taking a lot of concentration and confusion, in trying to work out what’s me and what’s the illness. I’m confused about what are symptoms and what is real life. I’ve had to ask for help from family to help me explain what goes on and what’s symptoms of the illness.

Is it like some physical illnesses where treatment can make you better or worse? This is the question I ask. But recently I was told to prepare to be on medication the rest of my life. I feel this is a major setback but I’m trying to get used to it.

It all started before the age of 21 when I was diagnosed. My symptoms have been going on for years. I’m currently 24 and still getting to grips with medication, and struggling with how to deal with every day situations. However, I have learnt that medication plays a big role in recovery for me. It helps dampen down the psychosis, which means I’m able to tell more what’s real and what’s not. It has taken me many years to figure out what medication to take, it’s been a lot of trial and error. I’ve tried alot of them. Some had really bad side effects, some were okay but didn’t help me enough. I’m currently on quetiapine XR, which is the slow release one. It only has a few side effects and works well for me, although I am on 1000mg which is above the recommended amount. The main side effect which affected me was weight gain. I put on 5 stone, this may also have been because I wasn’t getting enough relief from the medication so I started drinking alcohol to help me deal with it. It worked short term but contributed to me putting on loads of weight. I’ve managed to loose almost all the weight I gained.

Even now four years later my medication is starting to have less effect but I know that if I stop it I will get all the symptoms back. I hear voices, see things that aren’t real. Basically the life that I’m living I’m not sure what’s real and not, like a nightmare which you can’t wake up from or always being on high alert, with fight or flight working. It’s so scary, you think what you’re thinking, seeing and hearing is real, and you lose time. I sometimes can’t remember days or weeks at a time. You don’t question it not being real, there’s no explanation to show you that what you’re experiencing isn’t real. It’s terrifying. It’s a living nightmare, and the worse bit is I know the medication helps me live a more normal life yet I still stop taking it, from listening to the voices or my thoughts thinking it’s not what I’m told it is.

My family and friends really haven’t been that supportive. I think they just couldn’t get to grips with the whole concept of being mentally unwell and how it affected me. This lead to me not being included in a lot of things. And also I started to isolate myself more and more. I’m currently trying to build my relationship back up with my family. Throughout all of this my cousin has been my carer and helped me at times when I’ve pushed my family away and was very unwell.

They don’t know how to act or how to talk to me. I feel pushed out of the family, and events. But I’m working on that.

Although being diagnosed was horrible it’s not the end of the world. I’m getting better at knowing what I need to do and how to accept the help from my local mental health team and family.

I’m looking forward to the future, where I aim to hold down my dream job of helping others with special educational needs and mental health difficulties.

I can see a future now it’s all getting better and under control.

Image shown is from the rethink website.